Found this perfect timing. I am 31 and have a family of my own. We need to start making real big decision that help course of our lives. I am also the daughter of a single mother who is in her 70's. It always been us. Now that I have a family of my own obligations have changed. she needs help with somethings. But I always feel stuck in the middle of helping her and doing things for my family. Sometimes doing stuff for her can get in the way, When I say no. I catch attitude. Some time I feel like I do things just so she doesn't get mad. She does help me with my children; I am very thankful. We may decide to move out of state to a more affordable area. I scared to have that convo with her cause I know she will be crushed. But it the best for my little family. As an adult daughter do, I still have obligations, or do I take care of family and hope she understands?
A few years ago, I realized that I didn't HAVE TO do the family traditions (especially Thanksgiving or Easter). My son's dad and I are divorced. The Thanksgiving weekends I'm not with my son, I used to get so mad and frustrated and sad that my son and I couldn't spend the holiday together. But, then I realized I had some agency and could shift my mindset. I decided that the years my kiddo is with his dad for Thanksgiving, instead of wallowing for the weekend, I'd take myself on a solo beach vacation. At first, I was nervous to tell my family that I was bailing on Thanksgiving dinner, but then I realized I needed to do what's best for me. Now, instead of being sad every other year, I look forward to those trips to the beach and I come back recharged and more present.
It was hard to sidestep the feeling of obligation, but it was necessary and definitely worth it! Reading your article helps me remember that it's ok to go against the familial grain!
As a therapist myself, this is an area I am still growing in in my own personal life. It's been a struggle at times to say the least. My parents are aging, and I have minimal communication with them at this time. It has been years and years in the making, but the realities of that obviously bring up a lot of grief. The grief is often times coupled with guilt because the relationship has taken on a new form as I moved away and they grew older. When I read this article, I experienced a sense of freedom I haven't felt in a long time. I have felt such obligation because they are as you say "my parents," but my heart is not in a place to care for them, move back to the state they live in, or to be available in the way they potentially need. I feel I've been searching and searching to find some magic answer out there to tell me I am okay to continue to live my own life with not feeling guilt in doing so or regret. There is also grief in their absence from my own life and for the choice they made in that matter and their grandson's life as well. They have missed watching him grow up. Very impactful article.
Excellent piece! Only thing I would add is that regarding parents responsibility to children, I don’t necessarily agree that that has to extend to your adult children.
Support for them should not be an obligation, and I believe not letting them learn how to live life and experience the bumps in the road of the realities of life, robs them of the chance to grow.
Thank you for this! I’m the oldest of five and feel this obligation deeply but I’ve already really been learning to take care of myself and say no when I don’t have capacity but it literally makes me sick to do so sometimes because it feels like it’s in such opposition- needed this clarity and reminder thank you!
Ouch!! You hit the nail smack bang on the head, Nedra; I love it!! Coming from a large family, the last line needs to be framed, as it applies not only to family but everyone we have close ties with: "When we do something for someone, it’s a choice—not a requirement."
I just want to say how refreshing it is to open my inbox each week and read such clarifying and encouraging messages from you. Your perspective has helped me shift my thinking a great deal, especially when it comes to establishing and maintaining healthier relationships in my life. So I wanted to thank you for that.
Also very timely article as I sit in the waiting room for my dad who is having a cardiac procedure. And we just patched up an argument we just had. Thank you for your insights it will help me moving forward as I navigate this era of my relationship with my dad.
Another article excusing the truly selfish for not having the character to care for family in need. Not saying that you have to care for grossly abusive (a term used too loosely) family, but abandoning elderly parents because other family has done so or because it requires time and effort to nurture or sometimes heal relationships does not make it right. Seek help with caregiving if you are overwhelmed, but abandonment should not be an option. The destruction of the nuclear family will not end well for society. If you feel guilty, you know you are doing something wrong. Be strong for your family or karma will come knocking at your door when you are old or unexpectedly in need yourself. No person is an island unto themselves. Learn that part of loving is self sacrifice. That is called being an adult with character and morals.
Hi TS, I really hear your passion for family and the importance of showing up — that resonates. I’m currently caring for my mom after a major health crisis, and it’s been one of the hardest, most emotional things I’ve ever done.
For me, it’s not about walking away, but about trying to offer care without losing myself — especially in a relationship that’s always been complicated. I’m still figuring it out in real time.
I’d genuinely love to hear more of your perspective on how we hold space for both love and limits. I think a lot of us are wrestling with that right now.
Michelle, thanks for your perspective. Not sure if you're new here, but I've written articles about staying as well. Both perspectives deserve space, as no one-size method exists for all situations.
Sometimes we have to swallow our pride when caring for elderly people or grumpy people in pain. Don’t take it personally and remember that their illness is the problem and they are weak emotionally at this time. Go to your support system for help and if you don’t have one, perhaps call your own physician for resources for the elderly in your community. Without specifics, this is where I would start. Hope this helps. Hang in there for your mom AND yourself.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply — I appreciate you taking the time. For me, what’s made this caregiving experience complicated is that my mom’s emotional limitations aren’t new — they’ve been there my whole life. So this isn’t just about coping with someone who’s in pain right now, but working through old grief while still trying to offer care from a grounded place.
I didn’t read the article as giving people an excuse to step away — I actually saw it as helping people name the emotional weight behind these choices, so they can show up in a way that’s more sustainable and honest.
I really respect that we both care about protecting what matters — even if we see it a little differently. Thanks again for sharing your perspective.
I can definitely relate. Some fabulous reading out there on these dynamics. My family was enmeshed, and I was bought up in the 1950's so being the eldest had lots of expectations. Boundaries became a life saver.
Wow, the timing of this article couldn’t be more perfect. I’m currently out of state, taking time off work, caring for my mom after major complications from back surgery. At first, I threw myself into it — doing everything, even things that should have been handled by the medical staff. I didn’t realize how completely I was abandoning my own boundaries until I was already overwhelmed.
Now I’m trying to pull back, letting her press the call button and wait for help instead of rushing in to save her — and honestly, it’s been gut-wrenching. Not just because it’s uncomfortable to witness, but because it forces me to sit with a lot of old grief.
My mom has always had emotional limitations. Since I was a kid, I learned not to expect much emotional support from her — and now, stepping into a caregiving role, all those old wounds are back on the surface. I’m almost 40, and for the first time, I’m fully accepting who she really is, instead of who I kept hoping she could become. It feels like grieving a loss that started decades ago.
This article gave me language for something I’ve been struggling to name: that I’m allowed to choose how I show up. That care can come from choice, not just guilt. Thank you so much for writing this — it met me right where I am.
P.S.
If anyone here is walking through something similar and could use extra support, I’m part of a caregiver support group that’s been a real lifeline for me.
No expectation at all — and I hope this doesn’t come off like I’m pushing an agenda. Truly, if you’ve been in a situation like this, you know how far a little lifeline can go when you need it most. Even if this particular group isn’t the right fit for you, just know there are other support groups out there — and looking for one is so worth your time. You don’t have to do this alone.
Wherever you are in your journey, I’m wishing you strength, support, and the reminder that your care matters — including the care you give to yourself.
Your words "...for the first time I'm fully accepting who she really is, instead of who I kept hoping she could become" speaks volumes. I had to start my own journey of becoming aware of why I was doing this behaviour; why I needed her approval and acceptance; why I needed to be needed; why I thought her needs were far greater than my own. When I gained clarity I was able to make better choices for both of us.
Those are questions I'm trying to figure out myself, and I'm glad I can still protect my boundaries without all the answers. What things helped you gain clarity?
Detaching emotionally and gaining awareness about my own behaviour. Also, lots of reading about the need to please and "roles" in my family of origin and breaking free of the "good girl". I am a big fan of Dr Ken Adams who deals with enmeshed families and Dr Henry Cloud and his work with boundaries.
As always thank you for the reminders.
Found this perfect timing. I am 31 and have a family of my own. We need to start making real big decision that help course of our lives. I am also the daughter of a single mother who is in her 70's. It always been us. Now that I have a family of my own obligations have changed. she needs help with somethings. But I always feel stuck in the middle of helping her and doing things for my family. Sometimes doing stuff for her can get in the way, When I say no. I catch attitude. Some time I feel like I do things just so she doesn't get mad. She does help me with my children; I am very thankful. We may decide to move out of state to a more affordable area. I scared to have that convo with her cause I know she will be crushed. But it the best for my little family. As an adult daughter do, I still have obligations, or do I take care of family and hope she understands?
Love the journaling prompt and plan to use it as a warm up exercise for my writing later today.
A few years ago, I realized that I didn't HAVE TO do the family traditions (especially Thanksgiving or Easter). My son's dad and I are divorced. The Thanksgiving weekends I'm not with my son, I used to get so mad and frustrated and sad that my son and I couldn't spend the holiday together. But, then I realized I had some agency and could shift my mindset. I decided that the years my kiddo is with his dad for Thanksgiving, instead of wallowing for the weekend, I'd take myself on a solo beach vacation. At first, I was nervous to tell my family that I was bailing on Thanksgiving dinner, but then I realized I needed to do what's best for me. Now, instead of being sad every other year, I look forward to those trips to the beach and I come back recharged and more present.
It was hard to sidestep the feeling of obligation, but it was necessary and definitely worth it! Reading your article helps me remember that it's ok to go against the familial grain!
Gracias como siempre Nedra 💗
As a therapist myself, this is an area I am still growing in in my own personal life. It's been a struggle at times to say the least. My parents are aging, and I have minimal communication with them at this time. It has been years and years in the making, but the realities of that obviously bring up a lot of grief. The grief is often times coupled with guilt because the relationship has taken on a new form as I moved away and they grew older. When I read this article, I experienced a sense of freedom I haven't felt in a long time. I have felt such obligation because they are as you say "my parents," but my heart is not in a place to care for them, move back to the state they live in, or to be available in the way they potentially need. I feel I've been searching and searching to find some magic answer out there to tell me I am okay to continue to live my own life with not feeling guilt in doing so or regret. There is also grief in their absence from my own life and for the choice they made in that matter and their grandson's life as well. They have missed watching him grow up. Very impactful article.
Wishing you peace in your situation. Even the decisions that are best for us can feel hard.
A very clarifying article.
Excellent piece! Only thing I would add is that regarding parents responsibility to children, I don’t necessarily agree that that has to extend to your adult children.
Support for them should not be an obligation, and I believe not letting them learn how to live life and experience the bumps in the road of the realities of life, robs them of the chance to grow.
Thank you for this! I’m the oldest of five and feel this obligation deeply but I’ve already really been learning to take care of myself and say no when I don’t have capacity but it literally makes me sick to do so sometimes because it feels like it’s in such opposition- needed this clarity and reminder thank you!
Ouch!! You hit the nail smack bang on the head, Nedra; I love it!! Coming from a large family, the last line needs to be framed, as it applies not only to family but everyone we have close ties with: "When we do something for someone, it’s a choice—not a requirement."
Nedra,
I just want to say how refreshing it is to open my inbox each week and read such clarifying and encouraging messages from you. Your perspective has helped me shift my thinking a great deal, especially when it comes to establishing and maintaining healthier relationships in my life. So I wanted to thank you for that.
Also very timely article as I sit in the waiting room for my dad who is having a cardiac procedure. And we just patched up an argument we just had. Thank you for your insights it will help me moving forward as I navigate this era of my relationship with my dad.
I love this!!!
Another article excusing the truly selfish for not having the character to care for family in need. Not saying that you have to care for grossly abusive (a term used too loosely) family, but abandoning elderly parents because other family has done so or because it requires time and effort to nurture or sometimes heal relationships does not make it right. Seek help with caregiving if you are overwhelmed, but abandonment should not be an option. The destruction of the nuclear family will not end well for society. If you feel guilty, you know you are doing something wrong. Be strong for your family or karma will come knocking at your door when you are old or unexpectedly in need yourself. No person is an island unto themselves. Learn that part of loving is self sacrifice. That is called being an adult with character and morals.
Hi TS, I really hear your passion for family and the importance of showing up — that resonates. I’m currently caring for my mom after a major health crisis, and it’s been one of the hardest, most emotional things I’ve ever done.
For me, it’s not about walking away, but about trying to offer care without losing myself — especially in a relationship that’s always been complicated. I’m still figuring it out in real time.
I’d genuinely love to hear more of your perspective on how we hold space for both love and limits. I think a lot of us are wrestling with that right now.
Michelle, thanks for your perspective. Not sure if you're new here, but I've written articles about staying as well. Both perspectives deserve space, as no one-size method exists for all situations.
Here are a few articles that come to mind:
https://nedratawwab.substack.com/p/what-resentment-can-teach-us?r=1t2l0o
https://nedratawwab.substack.com/p/were-always-making-a-choice
Hi Michele,
Sometimes we have to swallow our pride when caring for elderly people or grumpy people in pain. Don’t take it personally and remember that their illness is the problem and they are weak emotionally at this time. Go to your support system for help and if you don’t have one, perhaps call your own physician for resources for the elderly in your community. Without specifics, this is where I would start. Hope this helps. Hang in there for your mom AND yourself.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply — I appreciate you taking the time. For me, what’s made this caregiving experience complicated is that my mom’s emotional limitations aren’t new — they’ve been there my whole life. So this isn’t just about coping with someone who’s in pain right now, but working through old grief while still trying to offer care from a grounded place.
I didn’t read the article as giving people an excuse to step away — I actually saw it as helping people name the emotional weight behind these choices, so they can show up in a way that’s more sustainable and honest.
I really respect that we both care about protecting what matters — even if we see it a little differently. Thanks again for sharing your perspective.
I can definitely relate. Some fabulous reading out there on these dynamics. My family was enmeshed, and I was bought up in the 1950's so being the eldest had lots of expectations. Boundaries became a life saver.
It’s a choice. I think this is key to releasing guilt and anger that can develop. Very. Very. Very good read.
Wow, the timing of this article couldn’t be more perfect. I’m currently out of state, taking time off work, caring for my mom after major complications from back surgery. At first, I threw myself into it — doing everything, even things that should have been handled by the medical staff. I didn’t realize how completely I was abandoning my own boundaries until I was already overwhelmed.
Now I’m trying to pull back, letting her press the call button and wait for help instead of rushing in to save her — and honestly, it’s been gut-wrenching. Not just because it’s uncomfortable to witness, but because it forces me to sit with a lot of old grief.
My mom has always had emotional limitations. Since I was a kid, I learned not to expect much emotional support from her — and now, stepping into a caregiving role, all those old wounds are back on the surface. I’m almost 40, and for the first time, I’m fully accepting who she really is, instead of who I kept hoping she could become. It feels like grieving a loss that started decades ago.
This article gave me language for something I’ve been struggling to name: that I’m allowed to choose how I show up. That care can come from choice, not just guilt. Thank you so much for writing this — it met me right where I am.
P.S.
If anyone here is walking through something similar and could use extra support, I’m part of a caregiver support group that’s been a real lifeline for me.
It’s a private, paid group and you can check it out here: https://stan.store/DsCaregiverCorner.
No expectation at all — and I hope this doesn’t come off like I’m pushing an agenda. Truly, if you’ve been in a situation like this, you know how far a little lifeline can go when you need it most. Even if this particular group isn’t the right fit for you, just know there are other support groups out there — and looking for one is so worth your time. You don’t have to do this alone.
Wherever you are in your journey, I’m wishing you strength, support, and the reminder that your care matters — including the care you give to yourself.
Your words "...for the first time I'm fully accepting who she really is, instead of who I kept hoping she could become" speaks volumes. I had to start my own journey of becoming aware of why I was doing this behaviour; why I needed her approval and acceptance; why I needed to be needed; why I thought her needs were far greater than my own. When I gained clarity I was able to make better choices for both of us.
Those are questions I'm trying to figure out myself, and I'm glad I can still protect my boundaries without all the answers. What things helped you gain clarity?
Detaching emotionally and gaining awareness about my own behaviour. Also, lots of reading about the need to please and "roles" in my family of origin and breaking free of the "good girl". I am a big fan of Dr Ken Adams who deals with enmeshed families and Dr Henry Cloud and his work with boundaries.