We’re Always Making a Choice

Navigating tough relationships with awareness and intention

Sometimes, we may face severe relationship issues with someone. They might have untreated mental health challenges that result in anger outbursts or rude and disrespectful behaviors. They could struggle with substance abuse, and in extreme cases, they might be outright abusive. These issues may lead us to step away from the relationship. However, there are times when that person returns, ready to re-engage.

When that happens, we might feel a strong desire to reconnect. We may even feel guilty about creating distance. But we also have to acknowledge that this person may not have changed. We must confront the reality that their history of problematic behaviors suggests they are unlikely to be different now.

At this crossroads, we have two options: we can accept the things we cannot change, or we can change the things we will not accept (the former is from The Serenity Prayer, and the latter is inspired by Angela Davis). We have the choice to stay in the relationship and accept this person as they are, or to step away because we cannot accept their behavior.

The decision depends on:

• What you desire.

• What feels best for you.

• What you feel you can manage.

There is no right or wrong choice—only the one you decide to make. However, it is crucial to make that decision with the understanding that this person is not willing to be held accountable. If you choose to remain in the relationship, you are implicitly accepting their behavior.

It’s also important to acknowledge that you might not yet be ready to leave the relationship behind. You may continue to tolerate problematic behaviors until you are ready for a change. In therapy, I’ve noticed that people often hesitate to discuss bad relationships until they feel prepared to make a change. They worry that talking about the relationship will compel them to act. But the truth is, you don’t have to do anything about it unless you choose to.

As a therapist, I only encourage someone to leave a relationship if they are being physically harmed or if their life is in danger. Otherwise, the choice to stay or leave is entirely yours. You can choose to remain in the relationship with all its challenges if that feels right for you.

When we decide to stay in relationships with people who refuse to be accountable for their behavior, it’s essential to recognize that it’s not their responsibility to change the relationship. They have shown us who they are. By continuing to engage with them, we are affirming our willingness to maintain the relationship despite their behavior.

When we convince ourselves that we’re not making a choice, it’s often because we don’t want to take responsibility for that choice. But whether the choice is passive or assertive, it’s still ours to make.

Journal Prompt

Are there people you feel like you have to be in a relationship with? What makes you feel like you don’t have a choice? 

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• The Art of Comforting Someone: A Practical Guide, reviewed by Abigail Fagan in Psychology Today. 

• What is ‘Retroactive Jealousy’—And How Do I Stop it From Ruining My Relationship?, by Jenna Ryu in SELF.

• Authenticity Can Protect Mental Health. Here’s How to be Authentic, by Katherine Kam in The Washington Post. 

• The Easiest Way to Feel More Organized, by Elizabeth Passarella in The New York Times. 

• Chrissy Teigen has launched a new podcast, Self Conscious. Check out my conversation with her in episode 4.

• One of Them Days. This is a hilarious take on the chaos that can ensue when everything is going wrong. You can watch the trailer here and see the movie in a theater near you or at home.