What Resentment Can Teach Us

Uncovering the longing underneath feelings of resentment

Many things can trigger resentment in us, and some of them are hard to acknowledge. I’ve heard people say they resent:

• Their children

• Their partner’s ability to avoid guilt when they have the freedom to do certain things

• Their coworker who has a family

• Their coworker who’s childless

• People who can dance well without ever taking a class

We often have to live with resentment in our relationships. We have to sit with it, unable to simply step away. It’s not always as simple as saying, “I’m feeling resentment, so I need to walk away from this situation.” In reality, it may be a call for us to look inward and work through what we’re longing for that’s creating these feelings.

Sometimes, when people set firm boundaries with me, I feel a twinge of resentment. When someone says, “Oh, I don’t do anything on Sundays,” I think, “Who are you to not be doing anything on Sundays?” But the truth is, I could do the same thing if I really wanted to. I’m not mad at them—I’m mad that I haven’t figured out how to create that kind of space in my own life. Maybe I need to focus on making room for that kind of rest so I don’t feel resentful when others do it.

Differences in experience can also cause resentment. I’ve had a lot of dental issues, and I finally completed my treatment plan at 40. So now, I’m constantly telling my kids, “Brush your teeth twice a day! Floss! Do all the things!” And they just look at me like, “Get over yourself.” They don’t care because their experience isn’t my experience. But deep down, I’m projecting—I wish I’d had someone who cared enough to push me to take care of my teeth. When others don’t see things the way we do, it can stir up feelings of resentment.

We can learn a lot about what we do or don’t want by noticing our reactions to the way others move through the world. We may feel resentment toward our parents because of how we were raised or because of things they’ve said in the past. These situations are difficult, especially in long-term relationships, but they still offer valuable information.

When I was recording my podcast, I got a call from someone struggling with resentment toward their parents. Their parents had been married for a long time and were now senior citizens. The caller’s mother had ignored her husband’s infidelity 20 or 30 years ago. But as her husband aged and needed her physical assistance, all of her resentment bubbled to the surface. She started being really mean to him.

That situation is tough. But even in challenging circumstances, we still have choices. Resentment can feel like a constant state of unforgiveness, but we can manage our behavior even when forgiveness feels impossible. Maybe that woman doesn’t forgive her husband, and she’s angry that after everything he did, she now has to take care of him. But she still has options—she can acknowledge her feelings and continue being a good caretaker, or she can outsource that role so he’s properly cared for.

Once our resentment starts getting in the way of how we treat people, that’s when it becomes problematic. When you’re a parent and feel like your kids don’t appreciate anything, so you decide you’re not going to do anything for them—that’s a bridge too far. That’s neglect. I understand feeling that way, but when we notice our resentment taking over, it’s a sign we may need to check in with a professional.

We need to come to terms with our resentment and think about how we can move through it in healthier ways so it doesn’t overwhelm or undo us.

Journal Prompt

• How do you manage feelings of resentment when they surface?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Why Friendship Breakups Hurt So Much, by Katie Mogg and Catherine Pearson in The New York Times.

• 6 Ways to Talk to Someone You’re Worried About, by Robert Taibbi, L.C.S.W., in Psychology Today. 

• If Your Mom Was Extra Hard on You So You Would “Have a Good Life,” Raise Your Hand, by Julia Ries in SELF.