Nedra- this was a wake up call for me. I thought I was compartmentalizing but you made me realize I’ve been avoiding. Do you have experience helping patients to heal who have a chronic illness (I have rheumatoid arthritis) as a result of trapping years of trauma in our bodies and not dealing with it?
As someone who signed up for an adult tap class in December, I totally love the idea from the Time article on “third lives.” The obligation of life almost made me sit out of last night’s class and then I remembered that it was my 45 minutes to “play” this week. Not for anyone else or any real reason except because I wanted to. As always, thank you for your words and thoughts you put down here. I look forward to it every week.
I wake up in the night feeling extreme rage because of something my boss did or said that was unfair but I am not allowed to respond. The rage just grows and grows. The knowledge that these issues cannot be resolved causes me deep despair and frustration.
As much as i want to love myself and forgive myself for believing in things that i thought were important and now know they're not, and start accepting the fact that i'm now more aware of my thinking system and emotions, i've been avoiding this decision to burn all the remnants of my past self, and like a phoenix, rise anew out of these ashes.
This is a tough one to digest…but much needed—for me and for many, I’m sure. Thanks for challenging us in this way, to be healthier versions of ourselves, so we can show up healthier for those in our lives. 💓🙏🏾
How important that distinction is. You've addressed it with such practical examples - the hallmark of your writing. I feel almost everyone on this planet goes through the avoidance phase, before comprehension sets in, usually after a molehill looms like a mountain.
I like the idea of the passage of time allowing us the bandwidth to process things that happened long ago….this is true for me, and as I find peace in a slower way of life, healing comes alongside it.
How timely that I should read this essay from you today. Only last night, during a virtual writing circle I participate in, did I sketch a piece about a time when I compartmentalized with my former therapist. He turned on me suddenly and unexpectedly, after over a year of us working together. Without divulging the entire entanglement, suffice it to say that I did not think it was appropriate for him, as my therapist, to do two things: one, berate me (he said, "I've never had a client who acts like you in all my twelve years of therapy, unless they have severe attachment issues") and two, to ignore the fact that my husband was present in the room so that we could work on some marital issues. My therapist acted like my husband was invisible.
What I did was say calmly, "We can revisit this topic during my next individual session." I was trying to let my therapist know that I acknowledged the side issue he kept bringing up but that it was not something that I felt was appropriate to talk about in that moment.
Your essay today was very validating, in that I see that maybe I did respond well. I have doubted that from time to time these past two years, wondering if maybe I really was avoiding the conversation. But I did revisit it at my next individual session, during which my therapist continued to tell me how I didn't respect his feelings (who was the client and who was the therapist again?) and how he couldn't believe that I took out my anger on him (it was the other way around, in my recollection). So it was the last time I saw him. I gave him the courtesy of that individual session and maintained my composure and concluded by telling him, "I'm sorry things ended this way, but I will not be coming back."
What to do about someone I had to go No Contact with out of feeling deeply hurt? The anxiety of running into her is still there. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t severed the connection completely. It hasn’t brought the closure I had hoped to find by now.
I have experienced this as well. She is a sibling and it has been an extremely painful thing to go no contact. But after decades of her behaviour it was the only thing for me to do. It has taken many years to process all the different feelings; it was like a grieving process. But my emotional and mental health were the most important things for me. As for closure, I believe it comes from within. There was never an apology or any accountability for her behaviour and the expectation was that as a family member I should "forgive and forget". Eventually I had to "cancel the debt" and let go of all the hurt I had been holding onto so I could move forward with my life. I have only run into her on a couple of occasions and was just polite and moved on to speak to other people.
People may live in our thoughts even after we've severed the physical connection. Those relationships we've ended may linger, but I'm sure you made the best decision based on the information you had at the time.
I want to talk to my sister again. The act of contacting her is there. Why can’t I move toward the action? Yes you are right. Avoiding our relationship issues has carried over to our children. This message is powerful. Scary but powerful. I know have the tools-do I remain in this stagnant place? I appreciate you.
I hear you. Mine was a sibling also. There was this tremendous pull to contact her however it was the trauma bond in play. It's been years now since I have been in contact and I am in a much better place. It was not just the "person", it was a whole lifestyle which I had left for my own mental and emotional wellbeing. I had kept a list of all the hurtful and vindictive things she had done and this kept me from initially contacting her.
Forgiveness for me is cancelling the debt and letting go of the hurt, sadness and disappointment. There has been no reconciliation and trust has not been restored. I don't think she ever realised the impact her behaviour had and to me this lack of self awareness is sad.
The many thoughts in our mind.. How we learn and best move forward with our lives. Procrastinating.. Putting off conversations with others, avoidance.. We should step forward, not avoid, or compartmentalize our lives. Have strength to move forward in life.
Nedra- this was a wake up call for me. I thought I was compartmentalizing but you made me realize I’ve been avoiding. Do you have experience helping patients to heal who have a chronic illness (I have rheumatoid arthritis) as a result of trapping years of trauma in our bodies and not dealing with it?
As someone who signed up for an adult tap class in December, I totally love the idea from the Time article on “third lives.” The obligation of life almost made me sit out of last night’s class and then I remembered that it was my 45 minutes to “play” this week. Not for anyone else or any real reason except because I wanted to. As always, thank you for your words and thoughts you put down here. I look forward to it every week.
I wake up in the night feeling extreme rage because of something my boss did or said that was unfair but I am not allowed to respond. The rage just grows and grows. The knowledge that these issues cannot be resolved causes me deep despair and frustration.
As much as i want to love myself and forgive myself for believing in things that i thought were important and now know they're not, and start accepting the fact that i'm now more aware of my thinking system and emotions, i've been avoiding this decision to burn all the remnants of my past self, and like a phoenix, rise anew out of these ashes.
This is a tough one to digest…but much needed—for me and for many, I’m sure. Thanks for challenging us in this way, to be healthier versions of ourselves, so we can show up healthier for those in our lives. 💓🙏🏾
You're welcome!
How important that distinction is. You've addressed it with such practical examples - the hallmark of your writing. I feel almost everyone on this planet goes through the avoidance phase, before comprehension sets in, usually after a molehill looms like a mountain.
I like the idea of the passage of time allowing us the bandwidth to process things that happened long ago….this is true for me, and as I find peace in a slower way of life, healing comes alongside it.
Nedra,
How timely that I should read this essay from you today. Only last night, during a virtual writing circle I participate in, did I sketch a piece about a time when I compartmentalized with my former therapist. He turned on me suddenly and unexpectedly, after over a year of us working together. Without divulging the entire entanglement, suffice it to say that I did not think it was appropriate for him, as my therapist, to do two things: one, berate me (he said, "I've never had a client who acts like you in all my twelve years of therapy, unless they have severe attachment issues") and two, to ignore the fact that my husband was present in the room so that we could work on some marital issues. My therapist acted like my husband was invisible.
What I did was say calmly, "We can revisit this topic during my next individual session." I was trying to let my therapist know that I acknowledged the side issue he kept bringing up but that it was not something that I felt was appropriate to talk about in that moment.
Your essay today was very validating, in that I see that maybe I did respond well. I have doubted that from time to time these past two years, wondering if maybe I really was avoiding the conversation. But I did revisit it at my next individual session, during which my therapist continued to tell me how I didn't respect his feelings (who was the client and who was the therapist again?) and how he couldn't believe that I took out my anger on him (it was the other way around, in my recollection). So it was the last time I saw him. I gave him the courtesy of that individual session and maintained my composure and concluded by telling him, "I'm sorry things ended this way, but I will not be coming back."
Thank you for the clarity you bring to my life.
What to do about someone I had to go No Contact with out of feeling deeply hurt? The anxiety of running into her is still there. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t severed the connection completely. It hasn’t brought the closure I had hoped to find by now.
I have experienced this as well. She is a sibling and it has been an extremely painful thing to go no contact. But after decades of her behaviour it was the only thing for me to do. It has taken many years to process all the different feelings; it was like a grieving process. But my emotional and mental health were the most important things for me. As for closure, I believe it comes from within. There was never an apology or any accountability for her behaviour and the expectation was that as a family member I should "forgive and forget". Eventually I had to "cancel the debt" and let go of all the hurt I had been holding onto so I could move forward with my life. I have only run into her on a couple of occasions and was just polite and moved on to speak to other people.
People may live in our thoughts even after we've severed the physical connection. Those relationships we've ended may linger, but I'm sure you made the best decision based on the information you had at the time.
Thank you for this message.
I want to talk to my sister again. The act of contacting her is there. Why can’t I move toward the action? Yes you are right. Avoiding our relationship issues has carried over to our children. This message is powerful. Scary but powerful. I know have the tools-do I remain in this stagnant place? I appreciate you.
I hear you. Mine was a sibling also. There was this tremendous pull to contact her however it was the trauma bond in play. It's been years now since I have been in contact and I am in a much better place. It was not just the "person", it was a whole lifestyle which I had left for my own mental and emotional wellbeing. I had kept a list of all the hurtful and vindictive things she had done and this kept me from initially contacting her.
Have you forgiven her?
Forgiveness for me is cancelling the debt and letting go of the hurt, sadness and disappointment. There has been no reconciliation and trust has not been restored. I don't think she ever realised the impact her behaviour had and to me this lack of self awareness is sad.
I hope you find your way. Sometimes, our ambivalence is a symptom of us not being ready yet.
The many thoughts in our mind.. How we learn and best move forward with our lives. Procrastinating.. Putting off conversations with others, avoidance.. We should step forward, not avoid, or compartmentalize our lives. Have strength to move forward in life.