When Not Now Becomes Not Ever

The difference between avoiding, compartmentalizing, and ignoring things long term

Sometimes we avoid things because we feel unable to deal with them. The challenge with avoidance is that it leaves us without a plan to ever address the issue. Emotionally—and sometimes physically—we are still responding to it. For example, let’s say we avoid our fear of snakes. We push it out of our mind, but then one day, we’re walking down the street, see a snake, and have a complete meltdown because we never actually dealt with the fear. The same thing happens when we avoid a person or certain situation.

Avoidance plays a trick on us by making us believe that if the trigger isn’t present, the problem no longer exists. If we avoid the beach, we’re no longer afraid of water. If we don’t talk to a certain person, our problem with them seems to disappear. Avoidance can serve a temporary purpose, but at some point, we have to face the issue.

It’s understandable that we have fears or things that make us uncomfortable, but we must find ways to move through them.

There are times when compartmentalizing—temporarily setting an issue aside—can be very useful. For example, if we have an issue with someone, a dinner with friends may not be the best time to address it. We may need to save the conversation for later.

When we compartmentalize, we create a strategy to revisit the issue at a more appropriate time. Many people who experience childhood trauma struggle to address things while they are in the midst of them. Sometimes, we don’t even realize situations are problematic until we’re removed from them.

It’s natural to compartmentalize and think, “I can’t deal with this right now because I need to wake up and go to school tomorrow.” In moments of crisis or trauma, we don’t always have the space to process what’s happening. This is why many people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s begin to reflect on events from their childhood—they finally have the bandwidth to do so.

The problem with ignoring something long term is that we don’t revisit something that needs our attention. We may forget or fail to recall certain aspects of the issue. We might also pretend not to see things because we aren’t ready to confront them. I spoke with someone whose family member was struggling with their kids, but that family member chose to ignore the situation. Sometimes, people believe that if they refuse to acknowledge something, it’s not happening.

What we don’t address shows up in:

• Our relationships

• The jobs we choose

• Our partners

• The way we raise our kids

When we avoid acknowledging things, we may unintentionally live them out in other ways. In working with families experiencing cycles of dysfunction, I’ve noticed that unaddressed problems often get repeated. For example, if we don’t recognize that it’s unsafe to invite certain people into our homes, we may continue to invite them, perpetuating the same harmful patterns. Ignoring issues can be dangerous, and it’s crucial that we stay present with what’s happening in our lives.

While many of us use avoiding, compartmentalizing, and ignoring interchangeably, compartmentalizing is the healthiest way to cope because it involves a clear intention to return to the issue. Ignoring is a passive, disconnected way of dealing with things, and with avoiding, though we are aware of the situation, we have no plan to address it in the future.

Journal Prompt

What is something you have been ignoring or avoiding? What steps can you take to address it?

Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Why a ‘Third Life’ is the Answer to America’s Loneliness Epidemic, by Adam Chandler in TIME. 

• Couples Are Using ChatGPT to Resolve Arguments. Is That Lazy or Brilliant? By Brittany Wong in HuffPost. 

• Who Has the Secret to Well-Being? The Answer May Surprise You. by Jancee Dunn in The New York Times. 

• The Sex Lives of College Girls. Over a weekend spent at home, during which we had severe weather conditions, I binged the whole show. It’s funny at unexpected moments and highlights the highs and lows of college dating. It’s fun and guarantees some laughs. You catch it on Max or wherever you stream shows.