I HATE when I read books or articles that insist that "everyone is doing the best they can." Honestly, people who believe that are either deluded or haven't met a dysfunctional person who is aware of their dysfunction but refuses to change. Love this Nedra - "We have this false belief that everyone wants to be well, healthy, or the best version of themselves, but maybe they don’t."
Shifting our focus to how we manage the boundary is a very helpful way to think about this!
I do have a thought about one of the reasons why people don’t change listed here. I’m not sure about the podcast and the context for that framework, but it can be misrepresentative of what disability is to analogize it in that way. It’s like when someone does something really awful, and there is an assumption that they must have some sort of mental illness spurring them to act/behave in that way.
Disability does come in and all shapes and forms, and there could potentially be things that do affect someone’s level of self-awareness, but in the context of this topic, I do think it’s more so that the person’s lack of self-awareness is limiting and/or a hinderance to themselves versus functioning almost like a disability. I’m disabled but my disability isn’t only about the limitations and things I’m unable to do, and a lot of that is also because of inaccessibility and ableism in society at large. Someone having this sort of behavior that is somewhat inherent but could change (if they took that path) is not necessarily structurally limited by external factors. They are sort of in their own way to a degree (at least from my experience with people like this).
This came right on time. I've been reading Mel Robbin's book "Let Them". This message resonated with me. I enjoy reading "Nedra Nuggets" please keep them coming
Thank you, Nedra! This is soooo good! I particularly loved..."some people are so disconnected from themselves that they are incapable of seeing fault in their behavior." And...The intention behind sharing is not to get them to change but to know within ourselves that we clearly stated our needs." Bravo! Love your writing👏👏👏
“Their pain and hurt is part of their identity” - I have known (and know) people like this. Unfortunately it is almost always coupled with the inability to realise that all of us experience pain and hurt - they are completely centered on their own experience. Thank you for your wise and compassionate words.
“It is possible that their pain and hurt is part of their identity or that it has facilitated a certain amount of attention that they enjoy and they’re not interested in being any different.” — I can totally see this in 2 people in my life who always refuse to hear any sort of feedback about their behaviour. They unknowingly use their pain/hurt like a badge and think that they have the right to act a certain way because of what they went through. Wild indeed.
Some people need to learn to have a receptive skill. To accept. To receive. But it’s so hard for them, why? Because they think they’re already a good person (in their eyes). Their righteousness has blinded them therefore they get offended when someone challenges how they see themselves. At the root of it, is pride.
Let’s not be like them everyone! Lets hear people out when they have something to say about our behaviour, even if it’s hard to hear. They may be true :) But what’s beautiful is when we accept it, we’ll grow. 🩷
Thank you. This is a reminder of my self awareness and being conscious of my expectations of others. Sometimes wanting better for others, much like I want for myself is not realistic. Capacity and choice comes to mind.
I so appreciate your wisdom around how harming it feels to hear 'just ignore them'. In my experience, not only does it hurt to ignore this behaviour, it seemed to perpetuate other beliefs within me like 'this is how it is', which further eroded my sense of subject agency. This has been one of the most challenging boundaries to set around creating distance or even removing myself from relationships where chaos seems to be the currency of 'closeness' or connection. It took a formal diagnosis of PTSD for me to unpack just how much harm these relationships were doing to my health, body, and brain.
Love this. Reminds me of that book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. We can get stuck in “shoulds” or unfounded hope that someone “can” change. I find myself telling clients that people CAN change of course, but even when you want to change it is pretty tough. For people who don’t want to, and don’t even think they need to, it’s probably not gonna happen.
Needed this today. Recently broke up with a friend and going through the "guilt"/"what if" stage. They are who they are, I cannot change them. Thank you!
Uncanny timing to receive this post in my inbox this morning, it’s like you’re looking over my shoulder! My friend yesterday pointed out that that some people with misplaced entitlement essentially have extreme main character syndrome to the point that it erases the laws of man and physics in their minds. Or as you put it, lack of self-awareness.
Wow, Nedra, I just love how you tell it like it is: some people don't want to be self-aware or healthy. Wow. Like, yes, that's true. But to me--how sad. Sad, because I don't get why anyone would want to maintain their misery. Or maybe it's a comfort level, I don't know.
Anyway, this is great. Thank you. You always get me thinking.
I set a communication boundary with someone and they tried to do better but kept regressing to old behavior, I even set a boundary about certain image's that I didnt want to be sent to me and I told the person if they can't respect us both and think that lowly of us both to send such a thing then the friendship can't work.
Sometimes people feel like they have a right tobehave how they do towards you even when you're telling or showing them to be self aware of their issues and feel like you're the one with the problem. So that for me feels like manipulation and control and I've learned to get out of those situations as I age and re-prioritize my needs and boundaries
Yes! Great reminder. I may add when you see glimmers of self awareness in those people, enjoy them!!! Whole remembering that some people feel safer with their chaos....self awareness disrupts their nervous system & they go back to old behavior more often than not. I rather adjust my behavior & access to me accordingly. Saves my sanity every time!
I HATE when I read books or articles that insist that "everyone is doing the best they can." Honestly, people who believe that are either deluded or haven't met a dysfunctional person who is aware of their dysfunction but refuses to change. Love this Nedra - "We have this false belief that everyone wants to be well, healthy, or the best version of themselves, but maybe they don’t."
Shifting our focus to how we manage the boundary is a very helpful way to think about this!
I do have a thought about one of the reasons why people don’t change listed here. I’m not sure about the podcast and the context for that framework, but it can be misrepresentative of what disability is to analogize it in that way. It’s like when someone does something really awful, and there is an assumption that they must have some sort of mental illness spurring them to act/behave in that way.
Disability does come in and all shapes and forms, and there could potentially be things that do affect someone’s level of self-awareness, but in the context of this topic, I do think it’s more so that the person’s lack of self-awareness is limiting and/or a hinderance to themselves versus functioning almost like a disability. I’m disabled but my disability isn’t only about the limitations and things I’m unable to do, and a lot of that is also because of inaccessibility and ableism in society at large. Someone having this sort of behavior that is somewhat inherent but could change (if they took that path) is not necessarily structurally limited by external factors. They are sort of in their own way to a degree (at least from my experience with people like this).
Nothing like a weekend with family to bring up stuff!
This came right on time. I've been reading Mel Robbin's book "Let Them". This message resonated with me. I enjoy reading "Nedra Nuggets" please keep them coming
Thank you, Nedra! This is soooo good! I particularly loved..."some people are so disconnected from themselves that they are incapable of seeing fault in their behavior." And...The intention behind sharing is not to get them to change but to know within ourselves that we clearly stated our needs." Bravo! Love your writing👏👏👏
“Their pain and hurt is part of their identity” - I have known (and know) people like this. Unfortunately it is almost always coupled with the inability to realise that all of us experience pain and hurt - they are completely centered on their own experience. Thank you for your wise and compassionate words.
“It is possible that their pain and hurt is part of their identity or that it has facilitated a certain amount of attention that they enjoy and they’re not interested in being any different.” — I can totally see this in 2 people in my life who always refuse to hear any sort of feedback about their behaviour. They unknowingly use their pain/hurt like a badge and think that they have the right to act a certain way because of what they went through. Wild indeed.
Some people need to learn to have a receptive skill. To accept. To receive. But it’s so hard for them, why? Because they think they’re already a good person (in their eyes). Their righteousness has blinded them therefore they get offended when someone challenges how they see themselves. At the root of it, is pride.
Let’s not be like them everyone! Lets hear people out when they have something to say about our behaviour, even if it’s hard to hear. They may be true :) But what’s beautiful is when we accept it, we’ll grow. 🩷
Thank you. This is a reminder of my self awareness and being conscious of my expectations of others. Sometimes wanting better for others, much like I want for myself is not realistic. Capacity and choice comes to mind.
I so appreciate your wisdom around how harming it feels to hear 'just ignore them'. In my experience, not only does it hurt to ignore this behaviour, it seemed to perpetuate other beliefs within me like 'this is how it is', which further eroded my sense of subject agency. This has been one of the most challenging boundaries to set around creating distance or even removing myself from relationships where chaos seems to be the currency of 'closeness' or connection. It took a formal diagnosis of PTSD for me to unpack just how much harm these relationships were doing to my health, body, and brain.
Love this. Reminds me of that book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. We can get stuck in “shoulds” or unfounded hope that someone “can” change. I find myself telling clients that people CAN change of course, but even when you want to change it is pretty tough. For people who don’t want to, and don’t even think they need to, it’s probably not gonna happen.
Needed this today. Recently broke up with a friend and going through the "guilt"/"what if" stage. They are who they are, I cannot change them. Thank you!
Uncanny timing to receive this post in my inbox this morning, it’s like you’re looking over my shoulder! My friend yesterday pointed out that that some people with misplaced entitlement essentially have extreme main character syndrome to the point that it erases the laws of man and physics in their minds. Or as you put it, lack of self-awareness.
I love your words! Thank you 🙏
Wow, Nedra, I just love how you tell it like it is: some people don't want to be self-aware or healthy. Wow. Like, yes, that's true. But to me--how sad. Sad, because I don't get why anyone would want to maintain their misery. Or maybe it's a comfort level, I don't know.
Anyway, this is great. Thank you. You always get me thinking.
Awesome!
I set a communication boundary with someone and they tried to do better but kept regressing to old behavior, I even set a boundary about certain image's that I didnt want to be sent to me and I told the person if they can't respect us both and think that lowly of us both to send such a thing then the friendship can't work.
Sometimes people feel like they have a right tobehave how they do towards you even when you're telling or showing them to be self aware of their issues and feel like you're the one with the problem. So that for me feels like manipulation and control and I've learned to get out of those situations as I age and re-prioritize my needs and boundaries
Yes! Great reminder. I may add when you see glimmers of self awareness in those people, enjoy them!!! Whole remembering that some people feel safer with their chaos....self awareness disrupts their nervous system & they go back to old behavior more often than not. I rather adjust my behavior & access to me accordingly. Saves my sanity every time!