They Are Who They Are
Learning to manage relationships with people who will not change
This week, I’m revisiting a newsletter that struck a chord with many of us.
Some of the people that we find problematic have low self-awareness and are just not interested in changing anything about themselves. No matter what feedback we give them or how we deliver it, they will find it offensive. I have seen a person who is being aggressive get upset because someone is calling them out for being aggressive, or placing a boundary to protect themselves from the aggression. It seems wild while it is happening, but some people are so disconnected from themselves that they are incapable of seeing fault in their behavior.
This segment of people will insist that we are the problem because we are not tolerating their behaviors. It’s not that they yell. It’s not that they hit. It’s not that they call us names. It’s not that they curse. It’s not that they can’t keep a secret. It’s not that they never show up on time. It’s not that they give people the silent treatment. None of that is the problem. They turn it around and insist that we should be more understanding of who they are, and not focus on trying to talk to them about it or get them to change.
There are folks who will tell us to ignore these kinds of people, but that may not be helpful. I think ignoring things still has some impact on our stress levels. For instance, it’s hard to watch the world falling down around you and meditate in the midst of that. Similarly, ignoring people doesn’t prevent us from feeling some of the impact of their behavior.
If someone we are interacting with doesn’t have self-awareness, because we are aware of how they make us feel, and how they present themselves in certain spaces, we can make different choices about how we manage that relationship. It may also be helpful for us to voice why we’re implementing certain boundaries or limitations on the relationship. The intention behind sharing is not to get them to change but to know within ourselves that we clearly stated our needs. We can tell them, “I can’t stop you from showing up at my house unannounced, but I am going to stop answering the door.” We can’t give them our boundary to manage because they can’t and they won’t.
Some people don’t change because:
Their lack of self-awareness functions almost like a disability.
I was listening to a podcast and they said we should view some chronic behaviors that people have as a disability. There are a lot of people for whom this rings true. They can’t stop their behavior and they're not actively choosing it. Their level of self-awareness is so low that they don’t understand the impact they have on the world and their relationships, and it’s not necessarily our job to make them understand.
They choose not to be self-aware.
We have this false belief that everyone wants to be well, healthy, or the best version of themselves, but maybe they don’t.
They enjoy a certain level of chaos.
It is possible that their pain and hurt is part of their identity or that it has facilitated a certain amount of attention that they enjoy and they’re not interested in being any different.
Some people’s mission and program is to not be accountable, and there is nothing we can do about that. We each have to decide our own pain point and determine which behaviors are toxic, versus just annoying. If we decide to continue our relationship with these people, whether we find them in our homes, our families, or at work, we must accept them as they are and adjust our behavior accordingly.
Journal Prompt
What is a boundary you can enforce with someone in your life who is resistant to changing?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
Hold That Thought! Here’s Why Being Interrupted Is So Irritating, by Jancee Dunn, in The New York Times.
The Rise of the Accidentally Permissive Parent, by Elizabeth Passarella in The Cut.
Excellent Advice for Living: Wisdom I Wish I’d Known Earlier, by Kevin Kelly. You can find this book on Bookshop.
Leave the World Behind. You can watch this movie on Netflix.
Needed this today. Recently broke up with a friend and going through the "guilt"/"what if" stage. They are who they are, I cannot change them. Thank you!
Uncanny timing to receive this post in my inbox this morning, it’s like you’re looking over my shoulder! My friend yesterday pointed out that that some people with misplaced entitlement essentially have extreme main character syndrome to the point that it erases the laws of man and physics in their minds. Or as you put it, lack of self-awareness.