Forgiveness is like a gift to yourself from yourself. I find it hard to accept this gift because I get more out of “woo me look what they did to me.” But I have realized that holding onto this anger and ick are only affecting me. I want to choose to release but not resume.
I do struggle with forgiveness. Sometimes because I’m being stubborn. Sometimes because it’s really hard accepting the wrong someone’s done to you. In this case, I’m the one who was wronged someone. Hardest challenge is forgiving myself. A work in progress though!
Wow, this hits home. I've wrestled with forgiveness a lot, especially after a painful betrayal a few years back. I clung to the anger like a life raft, thinking it was protecting me. But, like you said, it was exhausting. It wasn't until I chose to "release" the hurt, not for them, but for myself, that I finally started to heal. It's a process, for sure, but it's so freeing.
Forgiving has always been a bit challenging for me. I used to hold onto grudges tightly, thinking they somehow protected me. But lately, I'm learning to be easier on myself and others. It's like I'm trying to take that stick out of my ass and let the cork fall from my throat. Letting go feels lighter. I’m realizing that forgiveness isn't about condoning what happened; it’s about freeing myself from the burden of carrying around bitterness. It's a work in progress, but each time I choose to forgive, I feel a bit more at peace.
I appreciate this timely nugget. I'm working on setting boundaries to protect myself after spousal betrayal and also working to forgive him. It does take time. Separately, I hate when other people conflate forgiveness with not having a relationship with someone who has been continuously aggressive towards me. I'd forgiven the person, but no change in behavior meant no relationship. And family members got really angry about that and took out the anger on me.
Thank you for this! This was beautifully written :) I struggle with forgiveness at times because I feel that forgiving means that I am allowing that behavior to continue. Holding onto that grudge is only weighing me down and making it hard for me to face forward. As I embrace this new path in my life forgiveness will take center stage.
Thank you for sharing this article. It was similar to what I have read in the past about forgiveness and acceptance. I agree with the other comments that forgive is a loaded word that has a lot of meaning and can be difficult to process for some of us. I struggled for a long time to find the correct path in letting go of the anger and sadness I felt towards the people in my life who had hurt me so deeply. I found a PDF online of Forgiveness verses Acceptance from a university that defined how to move forward with acceptance (and not forgiveness).
Acceptance is a responsible, authentic response to a betrayal or injury when the offender is not available (not willing to or can't) to engage in-an active process of reconciliation. lt's a self-healing process in which nothing is asked of from the offender.
Steps toward Acceptance:
1) Honor the full range of emotions related to one's injury.
2) Willingness to give up the need for revenge but is willing to seek resolution.
3) Willingness to stop obsessing about the injury and willingness to reengage in life.
4) Willing to protect oneself from further abuse.
5) Willingness to frame the offender's behavior in terms of his/her issues.
6) For offended to look honestly at their own contribution, if any, to the injury.
7) Challenge false assumptions about what happened.
8) Separate out the behavior and offense from the person who offended.
9) Carefully decide what kind of relationship the offended wants with the offender if they want to have a relationship at all.
10) Forgive themselves for their own human-ness.
I hope that this helps the folks reading this article find their definition for moving forward and letting the anger/hurt go if they get stuck on the word forgive. The article touched on a lot of this, so hopefully this makes sense no matter what you want to call it.
I am able to forgive/release people but it is a process. I go through a range of emotions depending on what the individual has done. Sometimes that forgiveness/release will come immediately or sometimes it will take longer. Being able to forgive is something that I have been doing my entire life. When I was in my 20's (I am now 53) my cousin couldn't understand why I still communicated with my mother (who is deceased now) because she abandoned me and my older brother as children. In her instance when I began learning of her difficult upbringing it helped me have perspective on the hurt she was dealing with as an adult and mother. But sometimes the hardest forgiveness I have is with myself. I am getting better but it has been a journey for me.
Perhaps ‘forgiveness’ is not the best of words to use? I guess it does come down to a definition of the word. Very often, the negative insults experienced (physical and/or emotional) are multiple over a long time span. It might be better to focus own energy on building self resilience and self-care/love, rather than playing the role of some all powerful lord of justice than can issue out ‘Forgivenss’. We are not responsible for other people’s behaviour, nor are we really in a position to judge their behaviour. If another does us wrong, that is in our perception…possibly not in theirs. Forgiving is making a judgement on another’s behaviour. Perhaps it would be better to focus on our own emotional health and response, so we aren’t dominated by resentment and negativity - to me that isn’t forgiveness.
Forgiving comes easily for my husband, but I've had to work at letting go of even small grudges. Since entering midlife a few years ago, I've learned to stop investing so much mental and emotional energy into things or people that no longer serve me. It's empowering to make this choice, sometimes daily, and realize that I can wish someone no harm and hope they amend their lives, but without trying to fix or resolve issues between us that may never get to that point.
Forgiving comes easily for my husband, but I've had to work at letting go of even small grudges. Since entering midlife a few years ago, I've learned to stop investing so much mental and emotional energy into things or people that no longer serve me. It's empowering to make this choice, sometimes daily, and realize that I can wish someone no harm and hope they amend their lives, but without trying to fix or resolve issues between us that may never get to that point.
Forgiveness is like a gift to yourself from yourself. I find it hard to accept this gift because I get more out of “woo me look what they did to me.” But I have realized that holding onto this anger and ick are only affecting me. I want to choose to release but not resume.
I do struggle with forgiveness. Sometimes because I’m being stubborn. Sometimes because it’s really hard accepting the wrong someone’s done to you. In this case, I’m the one who was wronged someone. Hardest challenge is forgiving myself. A work in progress though!
Wow, this hits home. I've wrestled with forgiveness a lot, especially after a painful betrayal a few years back. I clung to the anger like a life raft, thinking it was protecting me. But, like you said, it was exhausting. It wasn't until I chose to "release" the hurt, not for them, but for myself, that I finally started to heal. It's a process, for sure, but it's so freeing.
Truly, forgiveness and trust are two separate things.
Give before it is logically sound or intellectually just. You’ll be compensated in ways beyond our assumptions of cause and effect.
“Holding on to anger won’t changed what happened, but it will change you”.
Wow, wow, wow. Couldn’t agree more.
Forgiving has always been a bit challenging for me. I used to hold onto grudges tightly, thinking they somehow protected me. But lately, I'm learning to be easier on myself and others. It's like I'm trying to take that stick out of my ass and let the cork fall from my throat. Letting go feels lighter. I’m realizing that forgiveness isn't about condoning what happened; it’s about freeing myself from the burden of carrying around bitterness. It's a work in progress, but each time I choose to forgive, I feel a bit more at peace.
I appreciate this timely nugget. I'm working on setting boundaries to protect myself after spousal betrayal and also working to forgive him. It does take time. Separately, I hate when other people conflate forgiveness with not having a relationship with someone who has been continuously aggressive towards me. I'd forgiven the person, but no change in behavior meant no relationship. And family members got really angry about that and took out the anger on me.
These wise nuggets always come at the right time!!!
Thank you for this! This was beautifully written :) I struggle with forgiveness at times because I feel that forgiving means that I am allowing that behavior to continue. Holding onto that grudge is only weighing me down and making it hard for me to face forward. As I embrace this new path in my life forgiveness will take center stage.
Thank you for sharing this article. It was similar to what I have read in the past about forgiveness and acceptance. I agree with the other comments that forgive is a loaded word that has a lot of meaning and can be difficult to process for some of us. I struggled for a long time to find the correct path in letting go of the anger and sadness I felt towards the people in my life who had hurt me so deeply. I found a PDF online of Forgiveness verses Acceptance from a university that defined how to move forward with acceptance (and not forgiveness).
Acceptance is a responsible, authentic response to a betrayal or injury when the offender is not available (not willing to or can't) to engage in-an active process of reconciliation. lt's a self-healing process in which nothing is asked of from the offender.
Steps toward Acceptance:
1) Honor the full range of emotions related to one's injury.
2) Willingness to give up the need for revenge but is willing to seek resolution.
3) Willingness to stop obsessing about the injury and willingness to reengage in life.
4) Willing to protect oneself from further abuse.
5) Willingness to frame the offender's behavior in terms of his/her issues.
6) For offended to look honestly at their own contribution, if any, to the injury.
7) Challenge false assumptions about what happened.
8) Separate out the behavior and offense from the person who offended.
9) Carefully decide what kind of relationship the offended wants with the offender if they want to have a relationship at all.
10) Forgive themselves for their own human-ness.
I hope that this helps the folks reading this article find their definition for moving forward and letting the anger/hurt go if they get stuck on the word forgive. The article touched on a lot of this, so hopefully this makes sense no matter what you want to call it.
I saved your message because it is precisely what I needed to hear in exactly this moment. Thank you for sharing!
I am able to forgive/release people but it is a process. I go through a range of emotions depending on what the individual has done. Sometimes that forgiveness/release will come immediately or sometimes it will take longer. Being able to forgive is something that I have been doing my entire life. When I was in my 20's (I am now 53) my cousin couldn't understand why I still communicated with my mother (who is deceased now) because she abandoned me and my older brother as children. In her instance when I began learning of her difficult upbringing it helped me have perspective on the hurt she was dealing with as an adult and mother. But sometimes the hardest forgiveness I have is with myself. I am getting better but it has been a journey for me.
Perhaps ‘forgiveness’ is not the best of words to use? I guess it does come down to a definition of the word. Very often, the negative insults experienced (physical and/or emotional) are multiple over a long time span. It might be better to focus own energy on building self resilience and self-care/love, rather than playing the role of some all powerful lord of justice than can issue out ‘Forgivenss’. We are not responsible for other people’s behaviour, nor are we really in a position to judge their behaviour. If another does us wrong, that is in our perception…possibly not in theirs. Forgiving is making a judgement on another’s behaviour. Perhaps it would be better to focus on our own emotional health and response, so we aren’t dominated by resentment and negativity - to me that isn’t forgiveness.
Forgiving comes easily for my husband, but I've had to work at letting go of even small grudges. Since entering midlife a few years ago, I've learned to stop investing so much mental and emotional energy into things or people that no longer serve me. It's empowering to make this choice, sometimes daily, and realize that I can wish someone no harm and hope they amend their lives, but without trying to fix or resolve issues between us that may never get to that point.
Forgiving comes easily for my husband, but I've had to work at letting go of even small grudges. Since entering midlife a few years ago, I've learned to stop investing so much mental and emotional energy into things or people that no longer serve me. It's empowering to make this choice, sometimes daily, and realize that I can wish someone no harm and hope they amend their lives, but without trying to fix or resolve issues between us that may never get to that point.
Acceptance and release. It feels impossible but I know it will transform me.