The Truth is Forgiveness is Freedom

Learning to release the things that are weighing you down

Many of us struggle with forgiveness, but that may stem from what we think forgiveness is. Forgiving does not mean condoning inappropriate behavior, it means that we release the hold that someone or something has over us. Forgiveness is not allowing anyone to hold power over who we are, what we become, and how we experience our life in the present. Forgiving others even if they have not apologized sets us free.

When we don’t forgive, we are bound to our anger, to our anguish, to our pain. We don’t recognize that because we feel victorious in our grudge holding. We feel righteous in hanging on to the ways we have been wronged, but forgiving someone does not release accountability. It doesn’t mean that you’re ok with what happened. Forgiveness means that we accept what happened, we recognize that it can’t be undone, and we choose to release the power it has over us.

It takes a lot of work to be angry long-term. I’ve seen it. I know people in their sixties that are still mad at someone from their childhood. Holding on to something for that long takes a lot of energy. It robs you of your life. It takes away from your ability to do anything outside of what has been done to you.

I’ve seen people so angry because they feel like a person owes them, and they don’t want to move on with life until the person pays them back for what they’ve done, until the person is punished, or until what that person did happens to them in turn. But life doesn’t work like that.

Sometimes with the way that life works, the lessons people learn won’t come directly from you. In the movie The Color Purple, Mister is such a terrible man. He treats Celie and all the women in his life badly, but his payback doesn’t come from them directly. It comes in the form of everyone leaving him, and him having to sit with himself and reckon with what he’s become. In that time he is tortured by what he did, and begins trying to make amends. In the end Celie sees that he is a changed man and she forgives him.

Now, let’s talk about what forgiveness means and what it doesn’t mean when it comes to being in relationship with people. Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you have to reconcile. Sometimes we mix those two up. I’ve certainly heard stories about a person’s family member being murdered and they forgive the murderer and even start visiting them in jail. There’s nothing wrong with that if that’s what forgiveness looks like for you, but you have to determine that for yourself.

Sometimes, for me, forgiveness means releasing. I forgive the person and I also decide I no longer want to have a relationship with them. Sometimes I forgive someone and I want to keep the relationship going, but that means figuring out how to show up differently in the relationship. That means a conversation has to be had and there has to be a commitment to a change in behavior.

I’ve worked in the foster-care system and unfortunately had to help women whose partners molested their children. Understandably, these women were angry. They felt like the person they were with was a monster. They weren’t wrong, but I had to try to get them to a place where they understood that hating their former partner wouldn’t rewrite history. Holding on to anger won’t change what happened, but it will change you.

If you’re stuck on the word forgiveness, then call it something else. Call it “release.” You don’t have to forgive the person in the sense that you wish them well, but you can release the hold of what the person did to you. Release their ability to impact your day to day functioning. Find a way to move forward in spite of what they did, and keep them from casting a shadow over who you are and everything you choose to do with your life.

Journal Prompts

• What does forgiveness mean to you? What does it look like for you?

• Who is someone you are struggling to forgive? What is the root of that struggle?

Read

• The Daily Stoic, by Ryan Holiday. I like daily books because you can pop in and out of them. When you need something on a particular day you can pick it up, and then put it down until the need arises again. You can stop reading, go back to it, start it at any time of the year, it’s a wonderful resource to have. You can find the book on Amazon and Bookshop.

Watch

• I was on Oprah Daily’s The Life You Want Class talking about forgiveness. You can watch a clip here and the full video is here.

Listen

• Beyonce’s song Break My Soul. The lyrics on this song are so good. I love these types of songs. You can listen to it on Apple Music, Spotify or wherever you listen to music.

Do you find it easy to forgive or challenging? Tell me about it in the comments below!

Disclaimer: I receive commissions for purchases made through links for Amazon and Bookshop.