This is so good. "This often happens because we haven’t been taught to talk about ourselves." Growing up talking about ourselves was seen as boasting or being "too big for your boots" or "who do you think you are". This message says that you are not important enough and other's stories are more interesting or that you should "know your place". It's taken me a long time to realise that my story is important as anybody else's.
Nedra, your newsletter arrived at an uncanny time for me. I was thinking yesterday, before I read this from you, that I hope I haven't veered into sharing too much about other people in my memoir. It's hard to know how to do this well. I will say that what I tend to do, because there are key memory pieces in a memoir that require certain details that might pertain to another person (for instance, how my brother's OCD diagnosis affected me as a child), is state the facts (my brother was diagnosed with OCD) while sharing its impact on my life. That becomes the focus - how did this hard thing make me feel? What was I thinking at the time? I can do this without speculating or sharing something embarrassing about my brother. I can simply say that it was hard for me, and express a snapshot of time when that happened to be the case.
With my children, I still struggle to know what to do. I have a daughter who was born with a rare craniofacial diagnosis, and this has made a huge impact on my life. I cannot write about what motherhood means to me without sharing explicit stories of her first surgery or what it was like to see her wheeled away to the OR for the surgical separation of her skull at six months old. But I have a teenager, too, and what I started doing was asking her permission to share vulnerable stories publicly. I'm not exactly sure if there's a specific guideline for this, but it's just my intuition. I consider how I would have felt if my mom had blogged or written a book about me and my problems when I was 14--without first discussing it with me and asking me how I felt about it. But the younger kids, who are so little that it will be years before they see my book and understand it, I don't know what to do, so I just keep things vague, as you mentioned.
Thank you. My therapist says the same thing to me. And she's teaching me the difference in reporting vs. Emoting. It's easy to get caught up in others especially if you feel unimportant or dismissed by other's. One thing I learned to do to get better about talking about me is sharing small opinions I started 2years ago and now when other's ask me about me I share . Those questions you posed are great though to ask other's.
It's about trusting yourself and standing in your confidence and self esteem and boundaries I'm still a work in progress but I'm daily getting better at it. Everyone matters no one deserves to be unheard or ignored
I'm satisfied with myself today because I've practiced my German as usual (I've been seriously learning German since this past November). All i said was just at the surface level, but deep down, i'm satisfied with neither myself nor my lifestyle.
Thanks for this Nedra...I've been thinking about this very question myself even today.
I'm 'serialising' my progressive experience of 'awakening' around 40 years ago on one of my newsletters here on Substack, but have made the conscious decision by and large not to speak of those few who supported me during that time; this not out of ingratitude, but rather because as you say we can only speak from and to our own experience and not the motivations of others.
I've been questioning this decision...but you've helped me to see that it is the correct one.
Reading these words, my head bobbed in agreement. They are The Universe, speaking. Thank you!
Nedra,
Curious what are some of the memoirs you were referring to?
This is so good. "This often happens because we haven’t been taught to talk about ourselves." Growing up talking about ourselves was seen as boasting or being "too big for your boots" or "who do you think you are". This message says that you are not important enough and other's stories are more interesting or that you should "know your place". It's taken me a long time to realise that my story is important as anybody else's.
Thanks for this reminder Nedra.
I should've used "both ... and" instead of "neither ... nor", and "dissatisfied" instead of "satisfied".
Thank you for this! I often over focus on others actions as a way to avoid or justify at my feelings.
I had THC drink and laughed at just the way my partner is so cute
It's powerful to ask, ...what thoughts am I choosing to focus on right now?
Nedra, your newsletter arrived at an uncanny time for me. I was thinking yesterday, before I read this from you, that I hope I haven't veered into sharing too much about other people in my memoir. It's hard to know how to do this well. I will say that what I tend to do, because there are key memory pieces in a memoir that require certain details that might pertain to another person (for instance, how my brother's OCD diagnosis affected me as a child), is state the facts (my brother was diagnosed with OCD) while sharing its impact on my life. That becomes the focus - how did this hard thing make me feel? What was I thinking at the time? I can do this without speculating or sharing something embarrassing about my brother. I can simply say that it was hard for me, and express a snapshot of time when that happened to be the case.
With my children, I still struggle to know what to do. I have a daughter who was born with a rare craniofacial diagnosis, and this has made a huge impact on my life. I cannot write about what motherhood means to me without sharing explicit stories of her first surgery or what it was like to see her wheeled away to the OR for the surgical separation of her skull at six months old. But I have a teenager, too, and what I started doing was asking her permission to share vulnerable stories publicly. I'm not exactly sure if there's a specific guideline for this, but it's just my intuition. I consider how I would have felt if my mom had blogged or written a book about me and my problems when I was 14--without first discussing it with me and asking me how I felt about it. But the younger kids, who are so little that it will be years before they see my book and understand it, I don't know what to do, so I just keep things vague, as you mentioned.
Thank you. My therapist says the same thing to me. And she's teaching me the difference in reporting vs. Emoting. It's easy to get caught up in others especially if you feel unimportant or dismissed by other's. One thing I learned to do to get better about talking about me is sharing small opinions I started 2years ago and now when other's ask me about me I share . Those questions you posed are great though to ask other's.
I like your comment about feeling "unimportant or dismissed by others". It took me a long time to find my voice.
Thank you same here
It's about trusting yourself and standing in your confidence and self esteem and boundaries I'm still a work in progress but I'm daily getting better at it. Everyone matters no one deserves to be unheard or ignored
I relate to this as a therapist and as a mother who is setting financial boundaries with my adult son. His reaction is very scary. Where am I?
I'm satisfied with myself today because I've practiced my German as usual (I've been seriously learning German since this past November). All i said was just at the surface level, but deep down, i'm satisfied with neither myself nor my lifestyle.
You mean satisfied or dis satisfied?
Yes, i first said "I'm satisfied", but that was a lie.
Cause you said niether
Thanks for this Nedra...I've been thinking about this very question myself even today.
I'm 'serialising' my progressive experience of 'awakening' around 40 years ago on one of my newsletters here on Substack, but have made the conscious decision by and large not to speak of those few who supported me during that time; this not out of ingratitude, but rather because as you say we can only speak from and to our own experience and not the motivations of others.
I've been questioning this decision...but you've helped me to see that it is the correct one.
Thank you 🙏