Telling Our Stories

Learning to center ourselves in the narratives we share

When I read memoirs, I notice that some authors are particularly skilled at centering their stories on themselves while keeping the details of others’ lives vague or even absent. This approach highlights an important truth: when we share our stories, it’s essential to understand that the only perspective we can authentically share is our own.

We can only speak to our own experiences, even when we share spaces with siblings or coworkers. Despite growing up in the same household or working in the same environment, people can have vastly different experiences. Our task is to find ways to focus our narratives on ourselves without unnecessarily involving other people’s stories.

It’s easy to stray into telling someone else’s story, focusing so much on others that we lose sight of our own experiences. This often happens because we haven’t been taught to talk about ourselves. As a therapist, I frequently work with clients to help them learn to center themselves in their own narratives. I don’t need to hear about everyone else; I want to know about them.

To help clients refocus on themselves, I often ask questions such as:

• How does this impact you?

• Where are you in this story?

• What does this mean for you?

If we notice our stories shifting to focus on others, we need to redirect back to ourselves. For example, instead of saying, “I can’t stand that my neighbor doesn’t cut their grass,” we might begin with, “I cut my grass once a week.” We can use “I” statements to keep our stories grounded in our own experiences.

Some of us don’t know how to talk about ourselves, which is why we often avoid it. When asked how we’re doing, we might respond by talking about everyone else. I’ve had to remind people, “I asked about you, not the three people at church, your coworkers, or the frog and the dog you saw on your morning walk.”

We may also believe that our lives aren’t interesting enough to share. Sometimes, we equate being interesting with having problems to talk about, but sharing doesn’t always have to involve issues. We can share what’s going well or even something as simple as what we had for lunch.

Lately, I’ve been asking people questions like:

• What made you laugh uncontrollably today?

• What did someone do for you that was kind?

• What did you do for someone that was kind?

• What is something interesting you learned today?

While other people may play roles in our stories and journeys, they are not chapters in our book. We are the book. Yes, there are characters, but the story belongs to us.

Journal Prompt

Write about how you’re doing today without talking about other people. 

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Uncertainty Requires Connection, by Alex Snider in Psychology Today.

• Guilt Can Be a Guide or a Trap. Here’s How to Work Through the Emotion, by Juli Fraga in The Washington Post. 

• How to Set Boundaries (When it Doesn’t Come Naturally), by Jancee Dunn in The New York Times.

• Women Holding Things, by Maira Kalman. This is a beautiful book of illustrations that was gifted to me. Books are the best gifts. You can find it on Amazon and Bookshop. 

• Megan Thee Stallion: In Her Words. This documentary highlights the impact of online bullying on public figures, something people don’t consider before commenting. You can watch it on Prime Video.