As a recovering people pleaser, it was fascinating to stop ‘overfunctioning’ about something and see if anyone noticed. Also it was painful to see that my ‘gifts’ of thought and attention weren’t needed, sometimes weren’t wanted. As often as possible, I ask. “Did that feel supportive or am I missing the mark?” Your questions are gold. Thank you.
I’ve seen this so many times when friends are upset that no one came to their birthday party, yet they never show up for others birthday parties. I try to make time for birthday parties if the person is important to me, but if they don’t reciprocate I have learned to do less.
Talking of what to bring to the table, …making food, bringing it and sharing together I find helps relationships. Pot lucks and picnics this summer are great for this.
I couldn't agree more, I just posted something similar on my LinkedIn. We are often so busy pointing the finger at others, that we forget about our own behaviour which could be the cause of it all.
That's such a good point. It's so easy to focus on how others treat us without thinking about how we contribute to the situation. Being mindful of the energy we bring and how we interact with others can really make a difference.
That's such a good point. It's so easy to focus on how others treat us without thinking about how we contribute to the situation. Being mindful of the energy we bring and how we interact with others can really make a difference.
Great points! This immediately made me reflect on my relationships with family, some of them I’d rather cut off then deal with them at all and then I wonder why they’re so distant.
I appreciate your effort in putting these newsletters together and out there. I enjoy your wisdom and that of your readers - I have found that I get a lot from the comments as well.
Reciprocity and loving boundaries! I'm forever grateful for the lesson I learned that before I want to feel hurt by the other party's actions, I need to first honestly look at my part in it. A big lesson for me has been that, even when I give all I've got to give - people can still outgrow each other and that's okay.
Timely topic as always! (How do you do that?? lol!) Reciprocity is super important to me and I find myself feeling weary in those relationships that are lop-sided. I had the experience of gently addressing the issue with my sister who responded with “that’s just how I am” - my response was “people do what is important to them.” She had no response and we have had a strained relationship since (for this and other reasons). I find that reply (“that’s just the way I am”) to be a lame excuse for people not wanting to make an effort.
100%. I just want to hear Nedra's view on it since she mentioned it in her email. Losing relationships is something that some of us can handle perfectly well.
Aww most people can't which is understandable. There is a small percentage of us that can and it has taken alot of blood, sweat and tears to get to this point. Now that I'm there, I hold the door open for people and celebrate their departure. It is often people that use you that end up leaving when boundaries are enforced because they can't get what they used to from you. Good riddance. Although every situation is different.
Thank you for this series, Nedra.
Going through a break-up that made me realise that the reciprocity wasn't there and it was a hard and tough journey.
Nedra - you look beautiful (as always)!
I love your kindly written and spoken articles, podcasts - I have learned so much, and apply daily. I am so grateful to have found you.
Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
Taking a hard look at yourself is challenging. It's so easy to defend yourself when the truth is you aren't showing the way someone needs you to.
As a recovering people pleaser, it was fascinating to stop ‘overfunctioning’ about something and see if anyone noticed. Also it was painful to see that my ‘gifts’ of thought and attention weren’t needed, sometimes weren’t wanted. As often as possible, I ask. “Did that feel supportive or am I missing the mark?” Your questions are gold. Thank you.
I’ve seen this so many times when friends are upset that no one came to their birthday party, yet they never show up for others birthday parties. I try to make time for birthday parties if the person is important to me, but if they don’t reciprocate I have learned to do less.
Talking of what to bring to the table, …making food, bringing it and sharing together I find helps relationships. Pot lucks and picnics this summer are great for this.
I couldn't agree more, I just posted something similar on my LinkedIn. We are often so busy pointing the finger at others, that we forget about our own behaviour which could be the cause of it all.
That's such a good point. It's so easy to focus on how others treat us without thinking about how we contribute to the situation. Being mindful of the energy we bring and how we interact with others can really make a difference.
That's such a good point. It's so easy to focus on how others treat us without thinking about how we contribute to the situation. Being mindful of the energy we bring and how we interact with others can really make a difference.
Thank-you, so important to reflect. I'm working on my listening skills and saving the Covid trauma for my therapist.
Great points! This immediately made me reflect on my relationships with family, some of them I’d rather cut off then deal with them at all and then I wonder why they’re so distant.
Thank you for this. It got me thinking!
I appreciate your effort in putting these newsletters together and out there. I enjoy your wisdom and that of your readers - I have found that I get a lot from the comments as well.
Reciprocity and loving boundaries! I'm forever grateful for the lesson I learned that before I want to feel hurt by the other party's actions, I need to first honestly look at my part in it. A big lesson for me has been that, even when I give all I've got to give - people can still outgrow each other and that's okay.
Timely topic as always! (How do you do that?? lol!) Reciprocity is super important to me and I find myself feeling weary in those relationships that are lop-sided. I had the experience of gently addressing the issue with my sister who responded with “that’s just how I am” - my response was “people do what is important to them.” She had no response and we have had a strained relationship since (for this and other reasons). I find that reply (“that’s just the way I am”) to be a lame excuse for people not wanting to make an effort.
Let's talk about reciprocating and the relationship still not being where it should be.
Sometimes we need to accept the fact that it might never be what we want it to be even after we have addressed the situation.
100%. I just want to hear Nedra's view on it since she mentioned it in her email. Losing relationships is something that some of us can handle perfectly well.
I don't know anybody who can handle the end of a relationship perfectly well. It's painful and sad😞
Aww most people can't which is understandable. There is a small percentage of us that can and it has taken alot of blood, sweat and tears to get to this point. Now that I'm there, I hold the door open for people and celebrate their departure. It is often people that use you that end up leaving when boundaries are enforced because they can't get what they used to from you. Good riddance. Although every situation is different.
Thank you! Congrats! You are so stylish and creative. Inspire me to take more care, though I'm older. Also enjoy your lovely nature pics.