Relationship Reciprocity

Paying attention to how we show up for and with other people

I’m still amazed that I’m on the Time 100 Health list.

I was talking to a relative who was complaining about not being invited to a family event. It was on my heart to ask them, “Well, how do you show up at these events?” Sometimes we can be so fixated on what other people are doing to us and completely gloss over the energy that we’re putting out. 

Some of what we receive from folks in relationships is a reflection of what we offer. If we want a person to invite us to functions, we have to invite them to functions, and when we go to these events we have to show up in a way that reflects that we want to be there and that it’s important to us that we’re there. 

I have noticed that there can be jealousy inside of friendships if we notice a friend developing a closer relationship with someone else. That closeness with a particular person is often directly related to that person’s effort. When this happens it is sometimes our inclination to criticize the person our friend has become close to and act like they’re “doing too much,” but what they are doing is providing a blueprint for how to show up inside our friendships. 

We can learn about what works and what doesn’t work through observation. We don’t always naturally know. I’ve been taking pilates and I have no clue what I’m doing until I look to my left and my right. We can actually learn something from the people around us about how to show up in our relationships if we open ourselves up to that possibility. 

Sometimes we are the example for others and they’re learning from us. Sometimes we are showing up for people the way we would want them to show up for us, and the relationship still isn’t where we’d like it to be. That’s not what we’re talking about here today. That’s another newsletter. Today we’re highlighting owning our part in creating the relationships we have. We’re talking about being present in our relationships, being helpful, being kind, and hoping that folks can mirror those behaviors. 

If you are trying to determine if you are matching the effort in your relationship, ask yourself:

• What are you offering inside of this relationship?

• What actions are you taking?

• What effort are you putting forth?

• What are you bringing to the table?

• How do you know that any of the above is true?

• Have you been in a relationship where someone has confirmed that you are showing up in the way you think you are?

We can’t set the bar super high for other people and have the bar be really low for ourselves. We have to make sure that the things we are requesting of others are actions that we are willing to take ourselves. Reciprocity keeps our relationships healthy. 

Journal Prompt

• What behaviors and actions do you like to see reciprocated in your relationships?

• How do you hold yourself accountable for how you show up in relationships?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Why Is It So Hard to Shower When I’m Depressed?, by Anna Gibbs in The New York Times. 

• The Case for Letting Yourself Have a Good Cry, by Grace McCarty in Self. 

• Them Season 2. Luke James deserves an award for his performance! You can watch the show on Prime Video.  

• Radical Confidence by Lisa Bilyeu