I love the suggestion of "Do less" but i'm curious. Do you bring it up to that friend? Is a confrontation/conversation warranted for these situations? When does one be honest and talk about their frustration to their friend?
Hey Nedra, love reading your thoughtful nuggets! One suggestion. Could you please move the ‘manage subscription’ message at the end of the article? It breaks off the reading rhythm! Thank you 🌱
All of life is take and give, we start taking and giving from day one and if there is a lesson in being born, it is that we are not that ones who give birth. Our mothers start it all by giving and we take from them even before we're born. Then it continues when we give joy to our parents and they give us food and shelter, and clothing too. I wonder if there's a reciprocal giving and giving. I recall seeing this message in print, "Take only what you can eat and eat what you take." Here's an illustration that might shed a little light on my practice of giving and taking. At age 9, I am sitting in church with my Dad and Mom, bored as usual, and I see these suited guys passing large brass plates back and forth at each row of pews. I see people putting in money and envelopes with money in them. I knew that because our family had a box of of those weekly envelopes with our pledged amount given to the church. I said to my Dad, "Can I take some out?" With characteristics wisdom and candor, he said,
"Of course you can take some out, and remember to always put in more than you take out." I did not know at the time that would become a guiding principle for my llfe and work.
Whoops, sent a message, because I am fairly new at Substack and forgot I need to subscribe first to comment.
This is the first piece of yours I have read and quickly read another (about loved ones annoyed by each other). I am floored by your insights on relationships and how you share that information in such a relatable way!
Love this piece Nedra. As someone who quietly removes herself from the situations, I can see how having conversations is helpful here to communicate my grievance and expectations. It is through clear communication and observation (of their actions and words) we get to discover and assess their story behind the lack of reciprocity because like you said, "it could be something they’re doing to consider us."
This is amazing advice. Not everyone gives love and shows love the same way we do. Really thinking if that person do that for others is important maybe that is not a way they show love. But when they do it for others and not for you! Bingo you know you have to do less or maybe that is not a relationship that you should be in. I’ve been paying attention to that and honestly I am disappointed. I tend to give and give and give and then I feel resentful and empty cause I don’t get things back. I know this is my responsibility but I want relationships that fulfill me. My cat died last year it was a big loss and it is hard because socially we don’t grieve pets the way we grieve humans even if the love is pretty much the same. I got a few phone calls and texts and that was it I felt so lonely and sad and I realized I had to do some changes. I am always there to give emotional support to others and I rarely need it myself but when I did I felt that very few people were there. So I started giving less and some relationships ended cause there was nothing more it was always one sided. It has been hard but I needed to do those changes.
Nedra, I agree with you. Some times we don’t need reciprocity. I have a friend who is much better at calling, than I am. We know that about each other, and I give her different things, based on my strengths. We love each other for exactly who we are. No competition for who is doing what and how often. It more like, w love and respect each other and we trust our love is strong and consistent.
"Sometimes the behavior we want someone to reciprocate isn’t something this person is in the practice of doing." This nugget is soooulll good. Often times we can want from others what we give when it's not in their normal operations OR no LONGER in how they operate. They did it once before but they've changed (we all do) and sometimes we have a hard time honing in on that and accepting it.
As usual, your view and advice is spot on, Nedra. I have been bingeing your podcast too. Sometimes our view is not what is happening for the other person. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom, I always look forward to hearing what you have to say.
I'll say that I want the intention behind the action to be reciprocated. If I call because I care and just want to hear your voice, I'd like to feel like you have the same intention towards me in some way. It doesn't necessarily have to be a phone call. Somehow I'd like to know that you care. To me it's just an indication of the investment I'd like the other person to have in the relationship. I don't expect all relationships to have the same degree of investment and my expectations are proportionate.
I appreciated you saying be clear with the story we tell ourselves and others are considering us. In my mind about a friendship restoration request I figured and explained communication and sharing at least our milestones are enough to get us started and texting. Granted she no longer initiates calling texting etc. But responds when I text her and it's brief. I share but she doesn't share anything with me about even a milestone but she'll say other thing's. So I am comfortable (semi) with where we are at. It took me since Dec.2023 until now For me to decide to change my mind about our 22 year long friendship and now her actions don't match her request and now I have to meet her where she is. Granted thing's won't be the same and she shows lack of interest and care. But, I willingly put myself out there to restore a new version of us. I don't feel taken advantage of bc I have control. But I did feel hurt this past weekend when I dared a milestone and simply told her I missed her very much and she replied you miss the old me your girl is t the same but the milestone is great and a couple of extra social things. But I've always in general been on the short end of the stick with reciprocity until I met the right crowd. I want communication and transparency, consideration and honesty
Hey, If I may... You said - I missed you.. and she replied you miss the old me, I'm still the same...? Hmm. It sounds like they've gone through some type of evolution/change and she recognizes that the way you respond towards her is the old way and she's different now. From my perspective.
I think it does sometimes just take finding the right crowd! In my experience in life, friendships have been like romantic relationships in a way - trying out new people and deciding what I will and won't tolerate. Wishing you the best!
This came just when I needed it. I have a "friend" who I supported emotionally through a traumatic time in their life. I'd come to realize their focus was one-sided even before their trauma. On their most recent request for help, I finally replied also about my own needs, that "I'm also going through x,y,z and can't help right now." They didn't reciprocate with the support I've given them in the past and moved on to someone else, and I feel free and proud of myself for asserting my needs.
On the flip side, I have other wonderful friends with whom I share a unique cadence of give and take based on our strengths in each relationship that we communicate about openly, because we genuinely care about one another.
I love the suggestion of "Do less" but i'm curious. Do you bring it up to that friend? Is a confrontation/conversation warranted for these situations? When does one be honest and talk about their frustration to their friend?
Hey Nedra, love reading your thoughtful nuggets! One suggestion. Could you please move the ‘manage subscription’ message at the end of the article? It breaks off the reading rhythm! Thank you 🌱
All of life is take and give, we start taking and giving from day one and if there is a lesson in being born, it is that we are not that ones who give birth. Our mothers start it all by giving and we take from them even before we're born. Then it continues when we give joy to our parents and they give us food and shelter, and clothing too. I wonder if there's a reciprocal giving and giving. I recall seeing this message in print, "Take only what you can eat and eat what you take." Here's an illustration that might shed a little light on my practice of giving and taking. At age 9, I am sitting in church with my Dad and Mom, bored as usual, and I see these suited guys passing large brass plates back and forth at each row of pews. I see people putting in money and envelopes with money in them. I knew that because our family had a box of of those weekly envelopes with our pledged amount given to the church. I said to my Dad, "Can I take some out?" With characteristics wisdom and candor, he said,
"Of course you can take some out, and remember to always put in more than you take out." I did not know at the time that would become a guiding principle for my llfe and work.
Whoops, sent a message, because I am fairly new at Substack and forgot I need to subscribe first to comment.
This is the first piece of yours I have read and quickly read another (about loved ones annoyed by each other). I am floored by your insights on relationships and how you share that information in such a relatable way!
Thank you SO much. 🥰
I love not having a tit-for-tat mentality about reciprocity. It's a holy act of trust that we are cared for when we care for others. Thanks, Nedra.
It's good that you not only suggest rising above, or taking the high road, but allow that sometimes the relationship imbalance might be a problem.
Love this piece Nedra. As someone who quietly removes herself from the situations, I can see how having conversations is helpful here to communicate my grievance and expectations. It is through clear communication and observation (of their actions and words) we get to discover and assess their story behind the lack of reciprocity because like you said, "it could be something they’re doing to consider us."
Love this
This is amazing advice. Not everyone gives love and shows love the same way we do. Really thinking if that person do that for others is important maybe that is not a way they show love. But when they do it for others and not for you! Bingo you know you have to do less or maybe that is not a relationship that you should be in. I’ve been paying attention to that and honestly I am disappointed. I tend to give and give and give and then I feel resentful and empty cause I don’t get things back. I know this is my responsibility but I want relationships that fulfill me. My cat died last year it was a big loss and it is hard because socially we don’t grieve pets the way we grieve humans even if the love is pretty much the same. I got a few phone calls and texts and that was it I felt so lonely and sad and I realized I had to do some changes. I am always there to give emotional support to others and I rarely need it myself but when I did I felt that very few people were there. So I started giving less and some relationships ended cause there was nothing more it was always one sided. It has been hard but I needed to do those changes.
Nedra, I agree with you. Some times we don’t need reciprocity. I have a friend who is much better at calling, than I am. We know that about each other, and I give her different things, based on my strengths. We love each other for exactly who we are. No competition for who is doing what and how often. It more like, w love and respect each other and we trust our love is strong and consistent.
"Sometimes the behavior we want someone to reciprocate isn’t something this person is in the practice of doing." This nugget is soooulll good. Often times we can want from others what we give when it's not in their normal operations OR no LONGER in how they operate. They did it once before but they've changed (we all do) and sometimes we have a hard time honing in on that and accepting it.
As usual, your view and advice is spot on, Nedra. I have been bingeing your podcast too. Sometimes our view is not what is happening for the other person. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom, I always look forward to hearing what you have to say.
I'll say that I want the intention behind the action to be reciprocated. If I call because I care and just want to hear your voice, I'd like to feel like you have the same intention towards me in some way. It doesn't necessarily have to be a phone call. Somehow I'd like to know that you care. To me it's just an indication of the investment I'd like the other person to have in the relationship. I don't expect all relationships to have the same degree of investment and my expectations are proportionate.
I agree with you on this perspective. I've also noticed the part I played, and then stopped playing my part to see what happened next.
Seeing what’s next can be very sobering and we have some decisions to make.
these are some good guidelines, I appreciate it
I appreciated you saying be clear with the story we tell ourselves and others are considering us. In my mind about a friendship restoration request I figured and explained communication and sharing at least our milestones are enough to get us started and texting. Granted she no longer initiates calling texting etc. But responds when I text her and it's brief. I share but she doesn't share anything with me about even a milestone but she'll say other thing's. So I am comfortable (semi) with where we are at. It took me since Dec.2023 until now For me to decide to change my mind about our 22 year long friendship and now her actions don't match her request and now I have to meet her where she is. Granted thing's won't be the same and she shows lack of interest and care. But, I willingly put myself out there to restore a new version of us. I don't feel taken advantage of bc I have control. But I did feel hurt this past weekend when I dared a milestone and simply told her I missed her very much and she replied you miss the old me your girl is t the same but the milestone is great and a couple of extra social things. But I've always in general been on the short end of the stick with reciprocity until I met the right crowd. I want communication and transparency, consideration and honesty
Hey, If I may... You said - I missed you.. and she replied you miss the old me, I'm still the same...? Hmm. It sounds like they've gone through some type of evolution/change and she recognizes that the way you respond towards her is the old way and she's different now. From my perspective.
I think it does sometimes just take finding the right crowd! In my experience in life, friendships have been like romantic relationships in a way - trying out new people and deciding what I will and won't tolerate. Wishing you the best!
This came just when I needed it. I have a "friend" who I supported emotionally through a traumatic time in their life. I'd come to realize their focus was one-sided even before their trauma. On their most recent request for help, I finally replied also about my own needs, that "I'm also going through x,y,z and can't help right now." They didn't reciprocate with the support I've given them in the past and moved on to someone else, and I feel free and proud of myself for asserting my needs.
On the flip side, I have other wonderful friends with whom I share a unique cadence of give and take based on our strengths in each relationship that we communicate about openly, because we genuinely care about one another.