Relationship Reciprocity - Part II

How do we manage a dynamic where it feels like there’s more give than take

Part I of Relationship Reciprocity was about how we match people’s energy inside of our relationships. A lot of people reached out saying they couldn’t wait to read Part II of that article and to hear about what happens when you show up fully in a relationship and it’s not reciprocated. We must consider whether reciprocity is always necessary and what to do when we need more. 

Antiparos, Greece

I have a friend who has thanked me again and again for many years, for calling her more than she calls me. I don’t mind that in our relationship because whenever I talk to her, it seems like she’s interested in talking to me. I’m not keeping a tally of who has called more. Some people are not facilitators. Some people are not initiators. Some people are not the ones to arrange gatherings. I have a friend who I’ve never been to a gathering of hers, because she doesn’t host them. That’s just not what she does. Sometimes the behavior we want someone to reciprocate isn’t something this person is in the practice of doing. 

I’ve heard people talk about how their grandparents or even their parents never call them. They always want to be on the receiving end of phone calls. But that may not have anything to do with reciprocity. They may see it as loving to allow us to call them on our schedule, rather than calling us when it’s convenient for them. The story behind the lack of reciprocation can be important. It’s not always something people are doing to offend us, it could be something they’re doing to consider us. 

If your car breaks down and I have an extra vehicle and tell you you can take my car, I may not need to see that behavior reciprocated. I don’t necessarily need you to lend me your car at some point down the line. What’s more, I may never need it. 

Sometimes we think that if things are not equal, we are being taken advantage of, but sometimes we allow certain things because we want to be in the relationship. We have to get clear about the story we are telling ourselves. 

So, how do we determine if the situation is problematic? We can ask ourselves:

• Is the behavior I want reciprocated something that I’ve seen this person do? Is this a regular practice for them? Maybe the person who isn’t calling you just isn’t a phone person. Maybe they’re more of a texter. 

• Do you actually need or want this behavior reciprocated? If you are always cooking for a friend, ask yourself if you’ve ever seen them cook, and if you have, was it good food? Do you really even want their food? Maybe what you really want is for them to chip in $10. 

• Have you had a conversation about what you want or need in the relationship? Sometimes people don’t know that we want something from them if we haven’t told them directly. 

• Do you feel taken advantage of? Are you complaining about the relationship a lot? If the lack of reciprocity has gotten to the point where it is actively bothering you, this is an indication that it’s a problem. 

If you are truly in a relationship where you feel like a person is taking advantage of you, do less. Because once you’re aware of how you feel, you’re no longer being taken advantage of, you’re willingly doing things that you will later complain about. There is no hard and fast rule for what every relationship is supposed to look like. We each have to determine where we need those boundaries. 

Journal Prompt

• What practice or behavior do you need reciprocated in your relationships? 

• What practice or behavior are you flexible with having reciprocated? 

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• What to Do If Long Summer Weekends Make You Feel Super Lonely, by Julia Sullivan in Self. 

• Why Gardening is So Good For You, by Dana G. Smith in The New York Times. 

• Where Have All My Guy Friends Gone, by Sarah Wheeler in The Cut. 

• Friendships and Parenthood with Nedra Glover Tawwab on the Mind Ya Mental Podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.