I recently had an eye-opening conversation with a friend about the need for mutual effort in relationships. Lately, I’ve felt like I’m putting in a lot more effort to see each other and maintain our connection than I’m getting back. It’s made me question whether I’m overextending myself.
I don’t want to become closed off or resentful, but I do believe that mutual effort is crucial. It’s tough when I see them prioritizing other things while our friendship doesn’t seem to get the same level of attention. Going months without seeing someone you care about, even with regular communication, is really challenging.
This situation has prompted me to reflect on my own actions and intentions. Am I genuinely nurturing our connection or am I seeking validation through my efforts? Alternatively, am I simply looking for healthy reassurance that our relationship/friendship is valued? I’m striving to find a balance where both of us are equally engaged and our efforts reflect how much we value each other.
Huh, I had a big communication problem about it in my ex marriage! Every time I expressed that I would like something, she immediately took at as an *expectation*, that is some sort of a social judgement that a good wife should provide. And then was kind of sore for me to put up that pressure - even though I was not - not intentionally at least - putting up a pressure.
In my mind, and for many men, desires are entirely subjective. This means anything is negotiable. Everything and anything can be OK to want and OK to reject.
For a lot of women it is not so, often they feel there are strong social norms, standards about what to want, what to like, what to expect, what should you do and what should you ask for.
This is why she did not like to write chore to-do lists for me (this is a common complaint) because she sort of felt a social judgement that it is somehow not okay to ask for more than what is voluntarily offered. She sort of expected a voluntary offering of doing it - but in my mind every desire is subjective and thus needs to be communicated, *nothing ever gets offered without communication* because I don't even know they want it.
These differences - individualistic, subjectivist men and social opinion/standards oriented women - create a lot of communication difficulties in relationships.
It is the private version of that public-social problem that I don't give a flying fuck that they put male body-builders on the covers of magazines, it is simply not about me, it is about Hugh Jackman and I am not him, but thicker women do care when only thinner women are on the covers of magazines.
Excellent read! My husband and I never had to ask the other to do something bc each of us just did what needed to be done. Granted we were old school. Generally he took care of the outside and I took care of the inside of the house. However, we shared lots of chores, such as window washing, carting kids to activities, attending games, plays, concerts, and dance recitals.
Once again, bringing the truth bombs. The idea of "cross-training" is mind-opening. Thanks for clearly defining how this looks in relationships and friendships.
This article gave me some great ideas for strengthening my friendships. I love the suggestion of flipping the script and taking the initiative to invite a friend out, or make the reservation, or just check in without being prompted. It's so easy to fall into comfortable patterns, but those little acts of effort can make a big difference in showing our friends that we care and that we're invested in the relationship. It's not about grand gestures, it's about the small, everyday things that show we're thinking of them.
Reciprocal efforts in any relationship is key. It's a need for me. I know my ppl pleasing pushed me to give so much my friend's got tired of it, some took advantage, some told me to say "no I can't ". When I need help they do automatically bc they know I won't ask, I know when to take control when they feel overwhelmed, I know their mannerisms well enough to know when we need to go on a friendship date. We let each other know how we miss and feel about each other. We always find creative ways to connect even though some require our in person attention when it's not possible like video chat, giving them a phone availability schedule to call and hear my voice. But if you don't communicate what you need you'll resent the person and sometimes others don't have the capacity to give how you want them too or the energy. Meeting folks where they are is enough sometimes. Recently, someone whose reentered my life , I told them if they want my friendship I need x,y,z to make it work bc of our past history, but also history can't be our barrier and their old patterns because we've changed over 9yrs so get to know the current me vs. The old me so the past stays there bc the folks in my life make me a better person and vice versa and I expect nothing less. While he is trying he's missing the mark for the basic requests so I left him alone until he figured himself and his life out.
Nedra is out here spreading the gospel! This is so good and thank you for causing me to pause and reflect on my relationships and how I can show up better.
I will use my mind as a weapon and carve out a path in this difficult world.
——Little Women(written by Louisa May Alcott)
I recently had an eye-opening conversation with a friend about the need for mutual effort in relationships. Lately, I’ve felt like I’m putting in a lot more effort to see each other and maintain our connection than I’m getting back. It’s made me question whether I’m overextending myself.
I don’t want to become closed off or resentful, but I do believe that mutual effort is crucial. It’s tough when I see them prioritizing other things while our friendship doesn’t seem to get the same level of attention. Going months without seeing someone you care about, even with regular communication, is really challenging.
This situation has prompted me to reflect on my own actions and intentions. Am I genuinely nurturing our connection or am I seeking validation through my efforts? Alternatively, am I simply looking for healthy reassurance that our relationship/friendship is valued? I’m striving to find a balance where both of us are equally engaged and our efforts reflect how much we value each other.
A great reminder for me to pay more attention to my relationships. Thank you!😊
Huh, I had a big communication problem about it in my ex marriage! Every time I expressed that I would like something, she immediately took at as an *expectation*, that is some sort of a social judgement that a good wife should provide. And then was kind of sore for me to put up that pressure - even though I was not - not intentionally at least - putting up a pressure.
In my mind, and for many men, desires are entirely subjective. This means anything is negotiable. Everything and anything can be OK to want and OK to reject.
For a lot of women it is not so, often they feel there are strong social norms, standards about what to want, what to like, what to expect, what should you do and what should you ask for.
This is why she did not like to write chore to-do lists for me (this is a common complaint) because she sort of felt a social judgement that it is somehow not okay to ask for more than what is voluntarily offered. She sort of expected a voluntary offering of doing it - but in my mind every desire is subjective and thus needs to be communicated, *nothing ever gets offered without communication* because I don't even know they want it.
These differences - individualistic, subjectivist men and social opinion/standards oriented women - create a lot of communication difficulties in relationships.
It is the private version of that public-social problem that I don't give a flying fuck that they put male body-builders on the covers of magazines, it is simply not about me, it is about Hugh Jackman and I am not him, but thicker women do care when only thinner women are on the covers of magazines.
Excellent read! My husband and I never had to ask the other to do something bc each of us just did what needed to be done. Granted we were old school. Generally he took care of the outside and I took care of the inside of the house. However, we shared lots of chores, such as window washing, carting kids to activities, attending games, plays, concerts, and dance recitals.
Loved reading this one! Thank you for these mindful tidbits to live a more fruitful life.
Once again, bringing the truth bombs. The idea of "cross-training" is mind-opening. Thanks for clearly defining how this looks in relationships and friendships.
I love both the message and the intention, of this piece. Beautifully said. I Subscribed 💙
I just love you Nedra you are always on time!!!
I tried clicking on the link to the Washington Post article, but it won't allow me to read it without subscribing.
As always, this was right on time. I've been feeling very disconnected from some of my friends and I think this was the missing part.
This article gave me some great ideas for strengthening my friendships. I love the suggestion of flipping the script and taking the initiative to invite a friend out, or make the reservation, or just check in without being prompted. It's so easy to fall into comfortable patterns, but those little acts of effort can make a big difference in showing our friends that we care and that we're invested in the relationship. It's not about grand gestures, it's about the small, everyday things that show we're thinking of them.
Reciprocal efforts in any relationship is key. It's a need for me. I know my ppl pleasing pushed me to give so much my friend's got tired of it, some took advantage, some told me to say "no I can't ". When I need help they do automatically bc they know I won't ask, I know when to take control when they feel overwhelmed, I know their mannerisms well enough to know when we need to go on a friendship date. We let each other know how we miss and feel about each other. We always find creative ways to connect even though some require our in person attention when it's not possible like video chat, giving them a phone availability schedule to call and hear my voice. But if you don't communicate what you need you'll resent the person and sometimes others don't have the capacity to give how you want them too or the energy. Meeting folks where they are is enough sometimes. Recently, someone whose reentered my life , I told them if they want my friendship I need x,y,z to make it work bc of our past history, but also history can't be our barrier and their old patterns because we've changed over 9yrs so get to know the current me vs. The old me so the past stays there bc the folks in my life make me a better person and vice versa and I expect nothing less. While he is trying he's missing the mark for the basic requests so I left him alone until he figured himself and his life out.
Nedra is out here spreading the gospel! This is so good and thank you for causing me to pause and reflect on my relationships and how I can show up better.