Mutually Beneficial
Balancing the give and take in our relationships
At the North Carolina Arboretum, I saw a sign that made me think, Butterflies are just so wise. Here’s what the sign said: “Butterflies and plants have a mutually beneficial relationship. The plant provides food for the butterfly with its nectar, and the butterfly helps the plant connect with other plants by carrying pollen from one to another.” I thought about that and wondered, how are we mutually beneficial in our relationships?
So often we have this energy of, This person is doing this thing to me. But do we wonder how that person is experiencing us? Do we really think about cause and effect in our relationships? Sometimes we assume we are over-giving, but I’ve also seen plenty of instances where people aren’t giving very much and expecting a whole lot.
We may say:
“They never call me,” but do we ever call them?
“They never invite me anywhere,” but when was the last time we invited them somewhere?
“They didn’t celebrate my birthday,” but do we celebrate theirs?
“They don’t know anything about me,” but what do we know about them?
When we consider mutually beneficial relationships, we have to ask ourselves, “How are we pouring into the people who we expect to pour into us?” No one wants to be in a situation where they feel like they’re doing all the work.
I was talking with someone who was going through a divorce, and they shared that their former spouse wanted more time and attention. The person who was telling me this also sounded like they wanted more time and attention too, so I told them, “It sounds like you both want the same thing, you’re just not willing to give it to each other.” They both thought they needed to find someone new to get what they needed.
Long-term friendships that work well typically are mutually beneficial for both people. In healthy relationships, there is some mutual process of operating. This is not to say that the dynamic should be if I give, I should get. We don’t want that energy, but we should take notice of our efforts in our relationships.
I was listening to The Lazy Genius podcast, and Kendra Adachi mentioned Sam Kelly’s Instagram. Sam does a lot of work around women carrying the mental load and how to make things more fair in relationships. She also talks about adding kids into the mix. In a household, we can often be hyperfocused on how our partners should be helping, but everybody should be helping. It can’t always be one parent mowing the lawn and the other one doing the laundry. Beyond making sure that everyone is contributing, it’s also important to cross-train. If someone gets sick, we still need clean underwear. When we all do what we can, we create a household that is mutually supportive.
Consider these ways to start showing up more for the people in your life.
If you have a friend who always invites you to go out, invite them somewhere.
If your parents always offer to take you and your family on vacation, offer to take them.
If your partner is always the one who cooks dinner, cook dinner one day, or take the initiative to order takeout.
If your friend always makes the reservations when you two go out to eat, make a point to do it next time.
If you usually wait for your friend to reach out to you before checking in, give them a call or shoot them a text to see how they’re doing without being prompted.
We do want to have some sort of reciprocity in our relationships. We want to show the people we care about that we too are putting forth effort and investing in the relationship.
Journal Prompt
How are the relationships in your life mutually beneficial? What can you do to improve your own efforts?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
Stress is Hard to Avoid. Here Are 3 Ways to Reduce its Negative Effects, by Christopher W.T. Miller, MD, in The Washington Post.
3 Things to Do When You Love Your Friend But Kinda Hate Their Partner, by Anna Borges in SELF.
‘How Do I Announce My Pregnancy at Work?’, by Alison Green, the Cut’s workplace advice columnist in The Cut.
Veep has been a hilarious addition to my TV rotation. It’s the perfect warm-up for election season– full of laughs, sharp wit, and fictive chaos. You can watch it on Max.
Nedra is out here spreading the gospel! This is so good and thank you for causing me to pause and reflect on my relationships and how I can show up better.
Reciprocal efforts in any relationship is key. It's a need for me. I know my ppl pleasing pushed me to give so much my friend's got tired of it, some took advantage, some told me to say "no I can't ". When I need help they do automatically bc they know I won't ask, I know when to take control when they feel overwhelmed, I know their mannerisms well enough to know when we need to go on a friendship date. We let each other know how we miss and feel about each other. We always find creative ways to connect even though some require our in person attention when it's not possible like video chat, giving them a phone availability schedule to call and hear my voice. But if you don't communicate what you need you'll resent the person and sometimes others don't have the capacity to give how you want them too or the energy. Meeting folks where they are is enough sometimes. Recently, someone whose reentered my life , I told them if they want my friendship I need x,y,z to make it work bc of our past history, but also history can't be our barrier and their old patterns because we've changed over 9yrs so get to know the current me vs. The old me so the past stays there bc the folks in my life make me a better person and vice versa and I expect nothing less. While he is trying he's missing the mark for the basic requests so I left him alone until he figured himself and his life out.