I moved somewhere very rural, and away from where I grew up a couple years ago. The transition has been the most difficult thing I've done. I have had a rough time finding any community, while raising young children. Moving just isn't an option but I don't know what else I can do to try to meet like-minded folks. Like-minded is essential. I moved to a "Red State" and I am very liberal. As much I can love my neighbor, I need a small group of people that care about the things I care about in my circle. Does anyone have any recommendation on how to make friends? It sounds like it should be simple, but my job as an At Home parent keeps me in the house and doing things for children, husband and for the house most of the time.
I see so much of myself in this. I find myself thinking differently, taking different actions, and the friendships I've had for a while don't align with that and I've accepted that as okay but this is helping me realize that I can have friendships that DO Witness that part of me.
I certainly found out the incredibleness each of my many friends provided me when I was in hospital. They all have their special superpower. They tagged team so I had someone with me every waking hour for 6 weeks! I definitely think diversity and many friends works in tjmes of need. One close friend had to time out from my life due to other family commitments. So then another that was between jobs stepped in .
there should be some content about the inner work to do for healthy relationships, i find thats the toughest thing for people right now. solid article!
interesting idea! I find making new friends in my "adult" life hard! I read somewhere that to consider someone a true friend you have to spend about 50 hours with with - do you agree? That's a lot of time when these days we're also balancing family, existing friends, work, and taking care of ourselves. I'm currently on the pursuit of friends in a smiliar stage of life and living nearby. It's not easy, but I hope that in time I'll find people I connect with and can built meaningful relationships with!
Challenging, yes, impossible, no. As adults, we have less free time. However, we have a choice to be intentional when we are free. Inviting people to do mundane tasks such as grocery shopping, heading to Target, or going to the laundromat could be ways to pull people into adulting tasks we typically do solo. We have to get creative.
NEDRA GURLL YOU DID YOUR BIG ONE WITH THIS ONEEE!! thank you for sharing this!! I’m so glad I shifted my perspective on friendships, growing up you’re told that having less friends is “better” or “more fitting” but as I’m getting older there so much I’m unlearning/re learning about friendships. I’m learning that people in your life sometimes serve a season or they are there for just a moment. I’m also learning that you need people in your circle who challenge you, who are willing to resolve conflicts, people who you can call you out/ vise versa and finally people who are willing to create better systems to have wholesome/meaningful relationships. As I get older I’m also open and willing to create new connections and friendships.
This was right on time as I had a friend today say that I'm not a friend to her and I told her that I can't be who she needs me to be. She wants me to have coffee with her all the time or be at her house every weekend and I told her I can't be everything to you. You have to find other friends because she pressures me to be everything and I just can't be. This was such a good read.
Well done Kita for having that challenging conversation with your friend. I am not sure if this is helpful but in reading your comment it made me think of the thought process that helped me understand and navigate friendships.
I have always tried to be a good friend. I hopefully have a reasonable level of self awareness in how I come across and whether I bring positive energy and a healthy approach to friendships. For so long I didn’t ask myself about what the other person was bringing to the relationship. I was too focused on ensuring I was being a good friend. It was when I reframed it in my mind as “ it’s your responsibility to be missed it’s not my responsibility to miss you” that it fundamentally changed how I perceived friendships and relationships in general.
If I leave an interaction and that person seeks me out again, I know they essentially got what they wanted from my interaction with them and as a result would like it to happen again. However, if I am not seeking them out after the same interaction I realise they have not done the same for me. Therefore, I should not feel guilty if I don’t continue to invest and seek out the relationship with the regularity that they do.
I don’t always articulate this to the person but knowing it has freed me from guilt and helped me have clear boundaries that I know are fair to me and to them.
Anyway, sorry if that is off point but wanted to share because it was a real breakthrough for me.
I think it’s so important to diversify in every aspect of life, be it money, or even relationships. Specifically in terms of a romantic relationship, it is crucial to not let your happiness rely on this one person only. Speaking from experience, I have noticed that my relationship is thriving now because we love our alone time and we equally love our time with family and friends
So, this subject, especially for me in this season of my life, entering 50, feels hard-won. Not to the point that it is too challenging, but being that I was in the military and moved often, building solid friendships was something I never mastered. The diversity was definitely there, but the lack of lasting was nonexistent - not good or bad; it is just true. I have a lowercase "o" circle of friends now. At the same time, I consider that a decent count by quantity standards; there are parts of me that I am intentionally opening up to invite new people into my sphere. Even writing in this space is partially an attempt to invite in and engage with other writers...like minds... dialogue which may otherwise have been missed. Here's to diversifying intentionally with great rewards!
I just wrote about friendship and this new concept of ghosting. It has never happened in my 58 years, until recently. I guessed that the person didn’t have the capacity for our relationship. Sadly, I can only guess.
When something so hurtful happens, it can make you gun shy from letting new people in. Thank you for your insight. 🙏🏽
It's perplexing to me how resistant people are to making new friends especially as adults. I understand not wanting to befriend someone who is clingy and it essentially is a one-sided friendship. But to assume that of anyone new strikes me as limiting.
Thank you for your advice. Volunteering to be on boards brought me into a circle of like-minded people intending to help a worthy cause. Also, I'm lucky to be able to give back to the community by offering the expertise I gained over four decades in business. By stepping out of my comfort zone, I'm able to offer the knowledge and experience I've gained to others. I recently read a study saying you can live longer if you have lots of friends. I'm hoping for a long life.
Even his community of like minded ppl who are interested in books, psychology and therapy makes ne happy bc we're all looking for the common goal of improving our emotional lives fills my love cup!!
Awesome! I learned during Covid-19 I enjoyed ppl who brought out different parts of my personality that enhanced my life for the better. Granted I made my ex BFF my priority based on comfort and a flimsy foundation we started on 21 years ago. I spoke to a friend whose long distance and I told her how I appreciate the solidity of the foundation we've built our friendship on and how I craved that with my ex BFF . I had expectations and needs she no longer met nor the capacity which I've proudly yet sadly let her go not realizing she has changed to a small degree, but wasn't willing to accept unhealthy abuse in my healing journey from her and overall. Granted I miscarried my 1st child and in my healing journey over the course of years i have a friend who gave birth 5 months ago and it helped me see i got a 2nd chance at doing all the baby activities i didn't get to do past 1st trimester ,but i also saw i have more mom friends than anything and i love it and they celebrate me as a mom even with the loss!! I meet every Monday for free with Brooke Burke for free to be with like minded folks who enjoy exercise and wellness.Yesterday she asked us to ask ourselves "Do you love yourself in relationships with others, family, work, how you show up and support yourself? Which impacted me greatly. Right now I'm doing a free credit challenge with Tiffany The Budgetnista Aliche and am apart what she calls the DreamCatcher community for ppl who struggle with money or want to make a simple life financially. That's filled my soul to just be around ppl with same interests. I'm also a global volunteer who educates many on how to change their lives daily so that can Enjoy Life Forever. Every Thursday and Sunday I go to the Hall to be educated on how to teach and help other's spiritually and it fills both values education, and spirituality, moral standards. It even gives community to help those like me who need to build self esteem and find true happiness despite trials we endure in life leading to trust and acceptance. So thanks Nedra for this reminder. But I've also learned my journey as my own friend first is the start of the foundation
Yes yes yes!!! I have always maintained great friendships, and plenty of friends, but I resisted the idea of being able to have a ton of friends and still keep them at authentic soul level. This last year I feel like I matured in a new way--- I made new friends constantly. Turning sparks of connection into a maintained friendship. Getting phone numbers, spending in person time together, etc. And my favorite is also co-mingling friends and seeing them form their own connections.
Also, loved American Fiction!!! I laughed, I cringed, I cried. And have been dancing to "Let Love Flow On" since I saw it. Cliff was my favorite character.
I'm proud of you for putting in the effort &work!! Folks are lazy nowadays. We need socialization and those skills build us up in a variety of ways. I learned that effort in a relationship shows value and respect for the person they're not a matter of inconvenience for example a 7/11 store/gas station. Those people come only when they need/want you at a convenient time.
I don't know if lazy is a fair assessment. I'd say a lot of people lack a certain amount of self-awareness & courage to try new things. The risk of perceived hurt/failure can't be seen to outweigh the reward.
I moved somewhere very rural, and away from where I grew up a couple years ago. The transition has been the most difficult thing I've done. I have had a rough time finding any community, while raising young children. Moving just isn't an option but I don't know what else I can do to try to meet like-minded folks. Like-minded is essential. I moved to a "Red State" and I am very liberal. As much I can love my neighbor, I need a small group of people that care about the things I care about in my circle. Does anyone have any recommendation on how to make friends? It sounds like it should be simple, but my job as an At Home parent keeps me in the house and doing things for children, husband and for the house most of the time.
I see so much of myself in this. I find myself thinking differently, taking different actions, and the friendships I've had for a while don't align with that and I've accepted that as okay but this is helping me realize that I can have friendships that DO Witness that part of me.
I certainly found out the incredibleness each of my many friends provided me when I was in hospital. They all have their special superpower. They tagged team so I had someone with me every waking hour for 6 weeks! I definitely think diversity and many friends works in tjmes of need. One close friend had to time out from my life due to other family commitments. So then another that was between jobs stepped in .
there should be some content about the inner work to do for healthy relationships, i find thats the toughest thing for people right now. solid article!
I loved this!!!
interesting idea! I find making new friends in my "adult" life hard! I read somewhere that to consider someone a true friend you have to spend about 50 hours with with - do you agree? That's a lot of time when these days we're also balancing family, existing friends, work, and taking care of ourselves. I'm currently on the pursuit of friends in a smiliar stage of life and living nearby. It's not easy, but I hope that in time I'll find people I connect with and can built meaningful relationships with!
Challenging, yes, impossible, no. As adults, we have less free time. However, we have a choice to be intentional when we are free. Inviting people to do mundane tasks such as grocery shopping, heading to Target, or going to the laundromat could be ways to pull people into adulting tasks we typically do solo. We have to get creative.
NEDRA GURLL YOU DID YOUR BIG ONE WITH THIS ONEEE!! thank you for sharing this!! I’m so glad I shifted my perspective on friendships, growing up you’re told that having less friends is “better” or “more fitting” but as I’m getting older there so much I’m unlearning/re learning about friendships. I’m learning that people in your life sometimes serve a season or they are there for just a moment. I’m also learning that you need people in your circle who challenge you, who are willing to resolve conflicts, people who you can call you out/ vise versa and finally people who are willing to create better systems to have wholesome/meaningful relationships. As I get older I’m also open and willing to create new connections and friendships.
This was right on time as I had a friend today say that I'm not a friend to her and I told her that I can't be who she needs me to be. She wants me to have coffee with her all the time or be at her house every weekend and I told her I can't be everything to you. You have to find other friends because she pressures me to be everything and I just can't be. This was such a good read.
Well done Kita for having that challenging conversation with your friend. I am not sure if this is helpful but in reading your comment it made me think of the thought process that helped me understand and navigate friendships.
I have always tried to be a good friend. I hopefully have a reasonable level of self awareness in how I come across and whether I bring positive energy and a healthy approach to friendships. For so long I didn’t ask myself about what the other person was bringing to the relationship. I was too focused on ensuring I was being a good friend. It was when I reframed it in my mind as “ it’s your responsibility to be missed it’s not my responsibility to miss you” that it fundamentally changed how I perceived friendships and relationships in general.
If I leave an interaction and that person seeks me out again, I know they essentially got what they wanted from my interaction with them and as a result would like it to happen again. However, if I am not seeking them out after the same interaction I realise they have not done the same for me. Therefore, I should not feel guilty if I don’t continue to invest and seek out the relationship with the regularity that they do.
I don’t always articulate this to the person but knowing it has freed me from guilt and helped me have clear boundaries that I know are fair to me and to them.
Anyway, sorry if that is off point but wanted to share because it was a real breakthrough for me.
I think it’s so important to diversify in every aspect of life, be it money, or even relationships. Specifically in terms of a romantic relationship, it is crucial to not let your happiness rely on this one person only. Speaking from experience, I have noticed that my relationship is thriving now because we love our alone time and we equally love our time with family and friends
Such a beautiful read✨
So, this subject, especially for me in this season of my life, entering 50, feels hard-won. Not to the point that it is too challenging, but being that I was in the military and moved often, building solid friendships was something I never mastered. The diversity was definitely there, but the lack of lasting was nonexistent - not good or bad; it is just true. I have a lowercase "o" circle of friends now. At the same time, I consider that a decent count by quantity standards; there are parts of me that I am intentionally opening up to invite new people into my sphere. Even writing in this space is partially an attempt to invite in and engage with other writers...like minds... dialogue which may otherwise have been missed. Here's to diversifying intentionally with great rewards!
I just wrote about friendship and this new concept of ghosting. It has never happened in my 58 years, until recently. I guessed that the person didn’t have the capacity for our relationship. Sadly, I can only guess.
When something so hurtful happens, it can make you gun shy from letting new people in. Thank you for your insight. 🙏🏽
It's perplexing to me how resistant people are to making new friends especially as adults. I understand not wanting to befriend someone who is clingy and it essentially is a one-sided friendship. But to assume that of anyone new strikes me as limiting.
Thank you for your advice. Volunteering to be on boards brought me into a circle of like-minded people intending to help a worthy cause. Also, I'm lucky to be able to give back to the community by offering the expertise I gained over four decades in business. By stepping out of my comfort zone, I'm able to offer the knowledge and experience I've gained to others. I recently read a study saying you can live longer if you have lots of friends. I'm hoping for a long life.
Even his community of like minded ppl who are interested in books, psychology and therapy makes ne happy bc we're all looking for the common goal of improving our emotional lives fills my love cup!!
Awesome! I learned during Covid-19 I enjoyed ppl who brought out different parts of my personality that enhanced my life for the better. Granted I made my ex BFF my priority based on comfort and a flimsy foundation we started on 21 years ago. I spoke to a friend whose long distance and I told her how I appreciate the solidity of the foundation we've built our friendship on and how I craved that with my ex BFF . I had expectations and needs she no longer met nor the capacity which I've proudly yet sadly let her go not realizing she has changed to a small degree, but wasn't willing to accept unhealthy abuse in my healing journey from her and overall. Granted I miscarried my 1st child and in my healing journey over the course of years i have a friend who gave birth 5 months ago and it helped me see i got a 2nd chance at doing all the baby activities i didn't get to do past 1st trimester ,but i also saw i have more mom friends than anything and i love it and they celebrate me as a mom even with the loss!! I meet every Monday for free with Brooke Burke for free to be with like minded folks who enjoy exercise and wellness.Yesterday she asked us to ask ourselves "Do you love yourself in relationships with others, family, work, how you show up and support yourself? Which impacted me greatly. Right now I'm doing a free credit challenge with Tiffany The Budgetnista Aliche and am apart what she calls the DreamCatcher community for ppl who struggle with money or want to make a simple life financially. That's filled my soul to just be around ppl with same interests. I'm also a global volunteer who educates many on how to change their lives daily so that can Enjoy Life Forever. Every Thursday and Sunday I go to the Hall to be educated on how to teach and help other's spiritually and it fills both values education, and spirituality, moral standards. It even gives community to help those like me who need to build self esteem and find true happiness despite trials we endure in life leading to trust and acceptance. So thanks Nedra for this reminder. But I've also learned my journey as my own friend first is the start of the foundation
Yes yes yes!!! I have always maintained great friendships, and plenty of friends, but I resisted the idea of being able to have a ton of friends and still keep them at authentic soul level. This last year I feel like I matured in a new way--- I made new friends constantly. Turning sparks of connection into a maintained friendship. Getting phone numbers, spending in person time together, etc. And my favorite is also co-mingling friends and seeing them form their own connections.
Also, loved American Fiction!!! I laughed, I cringed, I cried. And have been dancing to "Let Love Flow On" since I saw it. Cliff was my favorite character.
I'm proud of you for putting in the effort &work!! Folks are lazy nowadays. We need socialization and those skills build us up in a variety of ways. I learned that effort in a relationship shows value and respect for the person they're not a matter of inconvenience for example a 7/11 store/gas station. Those people come only when they need/want you at a convenient time.
I don't know if lazy is a fair assessment. I'd say a lot of people lack a certain amount of self-awareness & courage to try new things. The risk of perceived hurt/failure can't be seen to outweigh the reward.
Yes I agree. My apologies for lack of a better term in the moment