That line between unresolved harm and healthy boundaries can definitely be blurry—especially when the world often labels certain survival strategies as bitterness. Thank you for helping name the difference. (We enjoy seeing other explore these questions we’re exploring in The Grudge List: When is it a grudge, and when is it protection?)
I’ve had the learn the difference between setting a boundary and holding a grudge. I find that it is mostly in the heart space. If I’m “feeling a way” or keep thinking about what they did. If I can’t let it go, it’s probably a grudge.
Loved the clarification! I feel so seen. It’s easy to invalidate other people’s feelings and actions surrounding such topics. People can often be labeled as ‘unforgiving’ or holding a grudge, when really it’s just your discernment at play.
Love this. I wonder a difference between a grudge and a boundary is also the presence of communication? As in, when it's a grudge, I stop talking, not even to communicate a boundary. Not sure if this works but it's what I'm thinking about.
A great reminder and something I'm currently navigating with family. Some family members have changed and are trying to make amends without directly apologizing, and others keep doing the same wrong thing.
Your perspective on boundaries is clear and refreshing. I have to say, I always learn something from you every week. Today it was about helping me recognize when I'm feeling resentful toward someone and asking whether I need to set a boundary or acknowledge that the person is actively trying to change (and even then, perhaps set a boundary). I appreciate how you don't sugarcoat conflict resolution, yet offer practical and actionable ways each of us can implement these examples you use in our own lives.
I like the framing of, “I’m not holding a grudge, I’m learning.” Learning who someone is, but also learning what I’m willing to tolerate and for how long.
Nedra, your unpacking of grudges versus boundaries feels like a breath of fresh air—especially the reminder that boundaries are an act of self-preservation, not passive-aggressive punishment. Recognising that withholding personal details in response to ongoing bad behaviour isn’t spite but sensible, and that true grudges only solidify when we refuse to acknowledge real change, gave me so much clarity.
I also loved how you reframed resentment as a prompt for conversation or deeper reflection, rather than a moral failing. That nuance captures the messy, human side of forgiveness and accountability, and it’s exactly the kind of insight we need more of. Thanks for spelling it out so clearly.
I think grudges also come in to play in this pattern when a person is hurt by someone but rather than address what happened in an honest attempt to repair they will say nothing and hold a grudge instead. Then they’ll take their anger out on the person who hurt them using the grudge as a sort of justification for that behavior.
Holding a grudge is exhausting. The wrongs live in the head “rent free” and we lug them around. Worse, they have the power to make us distrust others and doubt ourselves.
That line between unresolved harm and healthy boundaries can definitely be blurry—especially when the world often labels certain survival strategies as bitterness. Thank you for helping name the difference. (We enjoy seeing other explore these questions we’re exploring in The Grudge List: When is it a grudge, and when is it protection?)
I’ve had the learn the difference between setting a boundary and holding a grudge. I find that it is mostly in the heart space. If I’m “feeling a way” or keep thinking about what they did. If I can’t let it go, it’s probably a grudge.
Loved the clarification! I feel so seen. It’s easy to invalidate other people’s feelings and actions surrounding such topics. People can often be labeled as ‘unforgiving’ or holding a grudge, when really it’s just your discernment at play.
Love this. I wonder a difference between a grudge and a boundary is also the presence of communication? As in, when it's a grudge, I stop talking, not even to communicate a boundary. Not sure if this works but it's what I'm thinking about.
Wonderful delineation for me. Sent to friends who are also struggling w this. Thank you!
Truly insightful. This could not be more timely for me. Thank you!
Me too
A great reminder and something I'm currently navigating with family. Some family members have changed and are trying to make amends without directly apologizing, and others keep doing the same wrong thing.
love this
I would love to send this to several family members! 👀 Who knew my younger self was trying to create boundaries before I even knew what it was.
Thank you for this post. I never thought of grudges in this way. So helpful.
Same
Nedra,
Your perspective on boundaries is clear and refreshing. I have to say, I always learn something from you every week. Today it was about helping me recognize when I'm feeling resentful toward someone and asking whether I need to set a boundary or acknowledge that the person is actively trying to change (and even then, perhaps set a boundary). I appreciate how you don't sugarcoat conflict resolution, yet offer practical and actionable ways each of us can implement these examples you use in our own lives.
I like the framing of, “I’m not holding a grudge, I’m learning.” Learning who someone is, but also learning what I’m willing to tolerate and for how long.
This is a brilliant breakdown. The clarity of your thinking just makes my day!
Nedra, your unpacking of grudges versus boundaries feels like a breath of fresh air—especially the reminder that boundaries are an act of self-preservation, not passive-aggressive punishment. Recognising that withholding personal details in response to ongoing bad behaviour isn’t spite but sensible, and that true grudges only solidify when we refuse to acknowledge real change, gave me so much clarity.
I also loved how you reframed resentment as a prompt for conversation or deeper reflection, rather than a moral failing. That nuance captures the messy, human side of forgiveness and accountability, and it’s exactly the kind of insight we need more of. Thanks for spelling it out so clearly.
I think grudges also come in to play in this pattern when a person is hurt by someone but rather than address what happened in an honest attempt to repair they will say nothing and hold a grudge instead. Then they’ll take their anger out on the person who hurt them using the grudge as a sort of justification for that behavior.
This is what we just explored in our post The Anatomy of a Grudge!
Holding a grudge is exhausting. The wrongs live in the head “rent free” and we lug them around. Worse, they have the power to make us distrust others and doubt ourselves.