Grudge or Boundary?

Recognizing this important distinction in how we approach our relationships

I was talking with someone who said they were raised not to hold grudges, and we ended up diving into a discussion about the difference between holding a grudge and holding someone accountable for something they have done—and perhaps continue to do.

I don’t think it’s holding a grudge if the behavior is ongoing. If someone gossiped about us in the past and continues to gossip about us now, setting a boundary by choosing not to share personal information with them isn’t holding a grudge. That person has not demonstrated any change in behavior, so it would actually be unwise to act as if they have.

A grudge comes into play when someone has changed and is trying to make amends. If that hasn’t happened, it’s not a grudge. However, even if a person has made changes, if we refuse to acknowledge their growth and hold them to who they used to be, then we might be holding a grudge. But even that isn’t always so simple—some things people do may be unforgivable to us. We may have let go of our anger, we may not wish them any harm, but that doesn’t mean we have to return to the relationship. That’s not holding a grudge—that’s self-preservation.

Here’s what a grudge actually is:

• A grudge is passive-aggressive.

• Grudges don’t hold people accountable.

• Grudges can be one-sided; the other person may not even know we’re harboring resentment.

• Grudges can be a sign that a conversation needs to happen or that boundaries need to be set.

• A grudge can indicate unresolved resentment that we need to work through.

Sometimes, it’s not a grudge—it’s just learning from experience. People teach us who they are through their actions. Maybe they’ve shown us that we can’t trust them to keep a secret. Maybe they’ve demonstrated that if we lend them something, we won’t get it back in good condition. We have the right to decide whether to give someone another chance, especially if they have demonstrated real change over time—but that is our choice.

Firm boundaries have a place with people who routinely do the same thing. Giving them a consequence or setting a boundary is not a grudge.

Journal Prompt

What is something you thought was a grudge that might actually be a boundary?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• How I Healed My Inner Teenager, by Chelsey Goodan in Oprah Daily.

• Check out my Bookshop of all the books I’ve read so far this year.

• 30 Days to Better Boundaries. Listen in on Audible as I provide daily guides to improve your life.