***Typo clarity: If you received my email, you noticed the change in the first line from social worker to case worker. I am and will likely remain a licensed social worker for infinity and beyond.
Yes, sometimes it can be a bit challenging for me to accept compliments. I think part of it is because I struggle with self-doubt and insecurity at times, so when someone praises me, it's like my mind immediately starts questioning if I really deserve it. There's also this fear of coming off as conceited or arrogant if I acknowledge the compliment too openly. It's like this internal battle between wanting to believe in myself and feeling like I'm not good enough. But deep down, I know that accepting compliments gracefully is important for building self-confidence and strengthening relationships. It's just something I'm working on, you know?
Yes Nedra! I love this topic. It’s a combination of armor being triggered and learned behavior.
I used to have a hard time accepting compliments and would deflect the attention back to them, but since I’ve started a gratitude practice it has helped me see compliments a different way. It’s still hard to hear them if I don’t believe it myself, but I really work on staying present and in my own business!
This is so interesting. I often find myself dismissive of compliments, saying something berating about myself or brushing it off like it is an accident of some sort, like I don't deserve it. I don't like to draw attention to myself so often have mixed feelings about compliments. I crave them but also feel like playing silly verbal ping pong trying to give it back. I've made a conscious effort over the years to accept compliments with grace and to give them out too. There's something quite magical about this free exchange of energy and care for each other.
This is great Nedra! The childhood portion is super crucial in the perspective we have of ourselves versus how others see us. I struggle with accepting them from them to time due to feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem that I'm building on.. but a friend told me that once you're in your 30's your view of yourself changes. And it clicked for me now being in my 30's I've never found myself more attractive and confident in my personality and now my new body composition from weight loss from stress and coping with my illness. Someone complimented me on how cute , small my figure and shape is and how jealous they were of it and that they're on a weight loss journey and she said "at least you can eat what you want and never gain weight" and I responded no I can't 2x. Granted little did she know that I missed my 20 y.o. curvy body ,and that my disease affects my body weight and my genetics have changed , and my workouts and now having a nutritionist and changes from having a miscarriage. I'm learning the little girl who never felt good enough and was constantly criticized ,comparing myself to other's always had to say something back when my perfectionism was triggered and low self esteem who was once popular now is on a lonely journey of self discovery , changes and growth that I never thought I'd be on. The growth is the beauty its not the inadequacy . Now I'm able to give compliments no problem once in a while I offend ppl on accident but I know compliments are forms of commendation and self esteem builders
I am someone that struggles receiving them. It’s not that I don’t like them, I just don’t know how to respond or I feel weird that there is now more attention directed at me.
Doling out compliments is one of my favorite things to do, with my people and strangers alike-- but learning to receive compliments has been an excruciating process, after being raised in a (Korean) culture that emphasizes deference, particularly from women.
My default response to something as simple as, "I like that dress!" was always something that bounced the compliment off myself and onto an external factor (it was on sale at __! I got it as a gift! let me scramble to compliment you! THIS DRESS HAS POCKETS!!).
The times that I simply smile and say thank you are almost always accompanied by an anxiety rush, but I'm learning to sit with it and remind myself it's a good thing to feel good about yourself and receive kindness.
Gorgeous smile! I think I’m quite good at saying nice things to people, even random strangers in elevators or wherever, because I’m very visual and notice details. It often takes people aback, but they definitely light up. I love making people happy! As for being on the receiving end, it will depend how I’m feeling. At the moment I’m feeling not so happy with myself because I’m on cortisone for an autoimmune disease and I’ve gained a few kilos quickly, so when people say I look well I cringe! But maybe I do! Lovely thoughtful piece, thank you. 🙏
I love your prompts at the end, they really help me to deep dive into little Gail and how she became what she is today as a result of gleaning those introspections. I came from a generation where compliments were rarely given out, chores—yes, “a job well done”—almost never. Painfully shy in schools I attended—and there were 9 different ones, because mom remarried a service man. Making friends was hard. I was socially awkward because of the shyness. The compliments I did get were when I was in my mid teens and from boys and men who started noticing me because they wanted to possess me sexually. Alcohol and later drugs were my go to starting at 13. You can well imagine the rest of the story from there until I got sober at the age of 42. Today, I do say a simple “thank you”, when I’m complimented. I don’t need validation from others as I have learned that “I am enough just as I am”. At 71 I still get noticed by “certain” men, but I’ve learned the art of deflection through humor. If they persist, I know it’s all about them, and has nothing to do with me personally, and I know when it is ok to simply walk away. 🤗
I struggle giving compliments because I look like a composite sketch of a January 6er (I assure you, I am not). So I worry that a compliment may be received in a way other than intended. But I keep trying, because I like the idea of off-setting some of the negative energy out there. Like, I try to compliment food service workers as often as I can, because I think many times when someone who looks like me sidles up to the counter, it can be a negative interaction for the person working. But I sometimes over think how I word and deliver a compliment, because the last thing I want is to unintentionally become an unsafe person to someone.
I also have a tough time receiving compliments, so giving compliments opens me up to receiving them, and that's you know...difficult.
Regardless, I keep trying, and this post certainly encourages me to continue trying. Thank you, Nedra!
Great post, thank you Nedra. My ability to accept rather than deflect compliments began when I complimented some musicians on the set they had just played... they responded with a pained explanation of all the mistakes they had made, the sloppiness of their ensemble etc. I left feeling that a compliment from an ignoramus like me was almost an insult. I vowed not to do that to anyone else. So many women, if I compliment their dress, say, “i only paid $30 for it” or “I’ve had it for a long time”. I smile and say, “I said it was pretty, not “that looks expensive” or “that looks new”. They often blink and say, ‘oh yeah, so you did!’ I learned this from my own reactions when younger. If we can’t handle a compliment its tricky to receive feedback about our way of handling a compliment.
I struggle with people complimenting me. I always have. The root lies somewhere in my childhood because of the jealousy thread that was sewn between my siblings and me. I was on a cruise last year, and an older black woman complimented me on my hair. My mind hadn't even processed her words thoroughly before I began saying how fuzzy it was, how it needed to be done, and so on. She stopped me by placing her finger over her lips as if to quieten me and stared me in the eyes. I wasn't used to this stance from a stranger... accept the compliment and say thank you...I was shook! Tears came to my eyes, and nervousness flooded my soul. I could feel years of 'not being good enough' rising to the surface, and before I knew it, she hugged me. I saw her a few times more before the cruise was over, and each time, she would wink at me and mouth the word...remember...I do, and I always will. There was a shift in me that day.
***Typo clarity: If you received my email, you noticed the change in the first line from social worker to case worker. I am and will likely remain a licensed social worker for infinity and beyond.
This is very timely for me. Thank you. I particularly liked and will include the questions around the resistance I feel to receiving a compliment.
Yes, sometimes it can be a bit challenging for me to accept compliments. I think part of it is because I struggle with self-doubt and insecurity at times, so when someone praises me, it's like my mind immediately starts questioning if I really deserve it. There's also this fear of coming off as conceited or arrogant if I acknowledge the compliment too openly. It's like this internal battle between wanting to believe in myself and feeling like I'm not good enough. But deep down, I know that accepting compliments gracefully is important for building self-confidence and strengthening relationships. It's just something I'm working on, you know?
I used to struggle with getting a compliment. Now though, I thank the person and tell them their appreciated from their words to me.
Yes Nedra! I love this topic. It’s a combination of armor being triggered and learned behavior.
I used to have a hard time accepting compliments and would deflect the attention back to them, but since I’ve started a gratitude practice it has helped me see compliments a different way. It’s still hard to hear them if I don’t believe it myself, but I really work on staying present and in my own business!
This is so interesting. I often find myself dismissive of compliments, saying something berating about myself or brushing it off like it is an accident of some sort, like I don't deserve it. I don't like to draw attention to myself so often have mixed feelings about compliments. I crave them but also feel like playing silly verbal ping pong trying to give it back. I've made a conscious effort over the years to accept compliments with grace and to give them out too. There's something quite magical about this free exchange of energy and care for each other.
This is great Nedra! The childhood portion is super crucial in the perspective we have of ourselves versus how others see us. I struggle with accepting them from them to time due to feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem that I'm building on.. but a friend told me that once you're in your 30's your view of yourself changes. And it clicked for me now being in my 30's I've never found myself more attractive and confident in my personality and now my new body composition from weight loss from stress and coping with my illness. Someone complimented me on how cute , small my figure and shape is and how jealous they were of it and that they're on a weight loss journey and she said "at least you can eat what you want and never gain weight" and I responded no I can't 2x. Granted little did she know that I missed my 20 y.o. curvy body ,and that my disease affects my body weight and my genetics have changed , and my workouts and now having a nutritionist and changes from having a miscarriage. I'm learning the little girl who never felt good enough and was constantly criticized ,comparing myself to other's always had to say something back when my perfectionism was triggered and low self esteem who was once popular now is on a lonely journey of self discovery , changes and growth that I never thought I'd be on. The growth is the beauty its not the inadequacy . Now I'm able to give compliments no problem once in a while I offend ppl on accident but I know compliments are forms of commendation and self esteem builders
I am someone that struggles receiving them. It’s not that I don’t like them, I just don’t know how to respond or I feel weird that there is now more attention directed at me.
Doling out compliments is one of my favorite things to do, with my people and strangers alike-- but learning to receive compliments has been an excruciating process, after being raised in a (Korean) culture that emphasizes deference, particularly from women.
My default response to something as simple as, "I like that dress!" was always something that bounced the compliment off myself and onto an external factor (it was on sale at __! I got it as a gift! let me scramble to compliment you! THIS DRESS HAS POCKETS!!).
The times that I simply smile and say thank you are almost always accompanied by an anxiety rush, but I'm learning to sit with it and remind myself it's a good thing to feel good about yourself and receive kindness.
Gorgeous smile! I think I’m quite good at saying nice things to people, even random strangers in elevators or wherever, because I’m very visual and notice details. It often takes people aback, but they definitely light up. I love making people happy! As for being on the receiving end, it will depend how I’m feeling. At the moment I’m feeling not so happy with myself because I’m on cortisone for an autoimmune disease and I’ve gained a few kilos quickly, so when people say I look well I cringe! But maybe I do! Lovely thoughtful piece, thank you. 🙏
Those drive-by-kindness videos are my FAVORITE!!!
I love your prompts at the end, they really help me to deep dive into little Gail and how she became what she is today as a result of gleaning those introspections. I came from a generation where compliments were rarely given out, chores—yes, “a job well done”—almost never. Painfully shy in schools I attended—and there were 9 different ones, because mom remarried a service man. Making friends was hard. I was socially awkward because of the shyness. The compliments I did get were when I was in my mid teens and from boys and men who started noticing me because they wanted to possess me sexually. Alcohol and later drugs were my go to starting at 13. You can well imagine the rest of the story from there until I got sober at the age of 42. Today, I do say a simple “thank you”, when I’m complimented. I don’t need validation from others as I have learned that “I am enough just as I am”. At 71 I still get noticed by “certain” men, but I’ve learned the art of deflection through humor. If they persist, I know it’s all about them, and has nothing to do with me personally, and I know when it is ok to simply walk away. 🤗
I struggle giving compliments because I look like a composite sketch of a January 6er (I assure you, I am not). So I worry that a compliment may be received in a way other than intended. But I keep trying, because I like the idea of off-setting some of the negative energy out there. Like, I try to compliment food service workers as often as I can, because I think many times when someone who looks like me sidles up to the counter, it can be a negative interaction for the person working. But I sometimes over think how I word and deliver a compliment, because the last thing I want is to unintentionally become an unsafe person to someone.
I also have a tough time receiving compliments, so giving compliments opens me up to receiving them, and that's you know...difficult.
Regardless, I keep trying, and this post certainly encourages me to continue trying. Thank you, Nedra!
This post is one to save—totally resonate with receiving and a good reminder to give more sincere compliments. Thank you 💗
Great post, thank you Nedra. My ability to accept rather than deflect compliments began when I complimented some musicians on the set they had just played... they responded with a pained explanation of all the mistakes they had made, the sloppiness of their ensemble etc. I left feeling that a compliment from an ignoramus like me was almost an insult. I vowed not to do that to anyone else. So many women, if I compliment their dress, say, “i only paid $30 for it” or “I’ve had it for a long time”. I smile and say, “I said it was pretty, not “that looks expensive” or “that looks new”. They often blink and say, ‘oh yeah, so you did!’ I learned this from my own reactions when younger. If we can’t handle a compliment its tricky to receive feedback about our way of handling a compliment.
I struggle with people complimenting me. I always have. The root lies somewhere in my childhood because of the jealousy thread that was sewn between my siblings and me. I was on a cruise last year, and an older black woman complimented me on my hair. My mind hadn't even processed her words thoroughly before I began saying how fuzzy it was, how it needed to be done, and so on. She stopped me by placing her finger over her lips as if to quieten me and stared me in the eyes. I wasn't used to this stance from a stranger... accept the compliment and say thank you...I was shook! Tears came to my eyes, and nervousness flooded my soul. I could feel years of 'not being good enough' rising to the surface, and before I knew it, she hugged me. I saw her a few times more before the cruise was over, and each time, she would wink at me and mouth the word...remember...I do, and I always will. There was a shift in me that day.