Giving and Receiving Compliments

Learning to accept and dole out kindness with grace

When I was a case worker, and I would go to people’s homes, I would try to find something nice to say about their space. I would say things like, “What fragrance is that in your plug-in? I like that.” or “That is such a nice picture of the kids on your wall.” People love to hear good things about themselves and I love to see how people respond when I pay them a compliment. 

When we take the time to compliment someone we are:

• Noticing them.

• Establishing a connection.

• Signaling to them that we care enough to pay attention.

Sometimes our compliment may have a deeper meaning that we are unaware of. Sometimes when I’m signing books, people say to me, “You have beautiful handwriting!” They don’t know that they just made my day. I was a person who got Cs in handwriting. I had the worst handwriting in my home and I always compared my writing to my mom’s and my siblings’. They had such nice cursive and I felt like mine just looked like chicken scratch. So someone complimenting my handwriting is giving little Nedra a pat on the back, and that feels really good. 

Now, let’s talk about how we receive these compliments. Some of us feel challenged by having any attention paid to us. It can feel really uncomfortable because we’ve been taught that we shouldn’t:

• Stand out. 

• Brag.

• Draw attention to ourselves.

• Be egotistical.

It is important that we be able to recognize that we are worthy of praise and attention for the wonderful things that we do. That can be challenging, but perhaps we can receive the compliment as a notice. This person is noticing something about us and for that we can say thank you. We don’t have to give them a whole backstory – I certainly don’t tell the people I’m signing books for about my childhood experiences with handwriting – we can just express gratitude for them noticing us.  

There are many reasons that contribute to us having a hard time receiving compliments. When we are feeling challenged we can ask ourselves:

• Why does it feel bad when someone says something nice to me?

• How can I be more receptive to positive feedback?

• How can I sit with this compliment I’ve received? 

• What can I learn from how receiving this compliment feels? 

• What are these feelings telling me about myself?

Also, notice how it feels when you don’t get a compliment. When you’ve worked really hard for something, how does it feel when people don’t recognize it? When they don’t say, “Look at your nails!” Often we are compliment fishing, saying things like, “So what do you think of [fill in the blank]?” What we’re really saying is, “Please connect with me and notice me.” There is still a part of us that just wants our Mommy to look at our drawing and say how much she likes it.

When we receive a compliment well, we are opening ourselves up to connection, and when we give a compliment we are taking the time to tune into another person. A kind word is never a bad move. 

Journal Prompt

• Is it challenging for you to receive compliments? If so, why do you think that is?

• What inspires you to give someone a compliment?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• La La Land Kind Café has a TikTok account with over 40 videos of “drive by kindness.” In these videos, these people drive around giving people these cheesy compliments. It’s so beautiful to watch all these people light up when someone says something positive about them. It’s just so sweet. Here’s an example of one of the videos. 

• Do Fewer Things on The Minimalists Podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts. 

• Clarity, Communication, and Capacity on This Morning Walk podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.