This is a hard one. Balancing one’s own needs with the other’s needs is not easy. It’s a bit of an art to figure out what’s a yes and what’s a no. Most of us politely say “I can’t” when we mean “I don’t want to.” Do you think this is an area where a white lie protects the good feelings?
I wish I had read this a week ago. My God-sister’s dad passed and I really was at capacity(mentally, physically)with caring for my mom and really couldn’t afford to go out of state for the funeral. My spirit told me I didn’t need to go but I felt obligated and really thought it would harm our relationship. I ended up going out of obligation and after I returned she tells me that I really didn’t have to come, she wasn’t expecting me to come considering the situation with my mom. I was like WOW! I wish I had communicated honestly with her from the start. I could have avoided what turned out to be a disastrous trip. Communication is KEY!
So good. I discovered boundaries late in life and it was empowering saying the "no" word. There was pushback from people who were used to hearing my yes but I realised I had needs as everyone else. We cannot predict the outcome of our boundaries but it's about self care. True friendships will try and understand. Saying no takes practice and it depends on our bandwidth at the time.
As a former codependent who writes about boundaries, I relate to the difficulty of disappointing others. Codependence is people-pleasing on steroids and we put their needs first (usually to the detriment of our own.) We've been taught to be 'good' and this means saying yes when saying no is appropriate for personal reasons. To people like us it feels selfish to do otherwise.
I agree with Michelle that it's important to respond with gratitude for being included and then following up afterwards with a phone call, email, or note
Thank you for sharing this, I have a friend right now and even my self who struggle to understand this without it being an issue how ever I find that a lot of people are really one sided and won’t hear me out or judge me but I have to remember that’s ok , that’s not for me to understand especially if I’m communicating, cause I could easily just not write back when I’m in those spaces or seasons of my life
If I really don’t want to be somewhere I simply say I won’t be attending, no excuse is necessary. The situation that gave me the biggest pause was when my mother passed last year. I made the decision to bury her close to me and drive out to California at a later date for her celebration of life.
As the date got closer, I realized I just didn’t want to do that and said I would not be coming.
The world did not end and I am still on good terms with my brothers. No regrets.
As someone with a chronic illness I say no a lot. “Thank you so much for asking, I’m unable to come on this occasion but it means a lot to be invited.” I follow up with cards or ecards. Just asking how it went can be bonding, as sharing joy is good for both of us. That said, its hard if the other person uses that invitation to guilt trip me about my non-attendance.
I’m glad to see you writing about this, and the power of communication in this scenario. I was in a challenging season of life recently and learned that if you communicate that, people will give you the grace and space you need. If you don’t, you leave that silence open to interpretation and all the ways that can go.
I appreciated you saying we don't have to fill every need for a person. I just recently discovered the word "No" and I love it. I have been to every event to make sure others were happy and celebrated and let my needs for sleep etc go. Hence, the people pleaser in me said yes 24/7. Now, I've learned balance my needs. I had a friend recently that i told that I needed more support from her bc I'd attend everything she does but not vice versa . And she apologized and sorry she disappointed me. Granted I'm always the supporter never the supported if you will very rarely do folks show up for me ,but they always make sure to be excited when i tell them what is going on or happening. If I got married these ppl may not even show up accept the 5 ppl I can count on my hand. Lol
Not every season in life is for us to engage and that is okay. Sometimes, shedding what could potentially be a trigger that induces stress inside us is the best way to move forward. It could be an invitation by a closed friend or a family member. But it’s about communicating this feeling clearly not because there is an issue in the relationship, but because you need some time to slow down and breathe, alone. They get it.
This is a hard one. Balancing one’s own needs with the other’s needs is not easy. It’s a bit of an art to figure out what’s a yes and what’s a no. Most of us politely say “I can’t” when we mean “I don’t want to.” Do you think this is an area where a white lie protects the good feelings?
Thank you Nedra,
I wish I had read this a week ago. My God-sister’s dad passed and I really was at capacity(mentally, physically)with caring for my mom and really couldn’t afford to go out of state for the funeral. My spirit told me I didn’t need to go but I felt obligated and really thought it would harm our relationship. I ended up going out of obligation and after I returned she tells me that I really didn’t have to come, she wasn’t expecting me to come considering the situation with my mom. I was like WOW! I wish I had communicated honestly with her from the start. I could have avoided what turned out to be a disastrous trip. Communication is KEY!
So good. I discovered boundaries late in life and it was empowering saying the "no" word. There was pushback from people who were used to hearing my yes but I realised I had needs as everyone else. We cannot predict the outcome of our boundaries but it's about self care. True friendships will try and understand. Saying no takes practice and it depends on our bandwidth at the time.
As a former codependent who writes about boundaries, I relate to the difficulty of disappointing others. Codependence is people-pleasing on steroids and we put their needs first (usually to the detriment of our own.) We've been taught to be 'good' and this means saying yes when saying no is appropriate for personal reasons. To people like us it feels selfish to do otherwise.
I agree with Michelle that it's important to respond with gratitude for being included and then following up afterwards with a phone call, email, or note
Thank you for sharing this, I have a friend right now and even my self who struggle to understand this without it being an issue how ever I find that a lot of people are really one sided and won’t hear me out or judge me but I have to remember that’s ok , that’s not for me to understand especially if I’m communicating, cause I could easily just not write back when I’m in those spaces or seasons of my life
If I really don’t want to be somewhere I simply say I won’t be attending, no excuse is necessary. The situation that gave me the biggest pause was when my mother passed last year. I made the decision to bury her close to me and drive out to California at a later date for her celebration of life.
As the date got closer, I realized I just didn’t want to do that and said I would not be coming.
The world did not end and I am still on good terms with my brothers. No regrets.
As someone with a chronic illness I say no a lot. “Thank you so much for asking, I’m unable to come on this occasion but it means a lot to be invited.” I follow up with cards or ecards. Just asking how it went can be bonding, as sharing joy is good for both of us. That said, its hard if the other person uses that invitation to guilt trip me about my non-attendance.
I’m glad to see you writing about this, and the power of communication in this scenario. I was in a challenging season of life recently and learned that if you communicate that, people will give you the grace and space you need. If you don’t, you leave that silence open to interpretation and all the ways that can go.
I appreciated you saying we don't have to fill every need for a person. I just recently discovered the word "No" and I love it. I have been to every event to make sure others were happy and celebrated and let my needs for sleep etc go. Hence, the people pleaser in me said yes 24/7. Now, I've learned balance my needs. I had a friend recently that i told that I needed more support from her bc I'd attend everything she does but not vice versa . And she apologized and sorry she disappointed me. Granted I'm always the supporter never the supported if you will very rarely do folks show up for me ,but they always make sure to be excited when i tell them what is going on or happening. If I got married these ppl may not even show up accept the 5 ppl I can count on my hand. Lol
Not every season in life is for us to engage and that is okay. Sometimes, shedding what could potentially be a trigger that induces stress inside us is the best way to move forward. It could be an invitation by a closed friend or a family member. But it’s about communicating this feeling clearly not because there is an issue in the relationship, but because you need some time to slow down and breathe, alone. They get it.
Love this post!✨