Declining an Invitation Without Ending a Relationship
Thoughtfully communicating our needs with the people around us
Sometimes we feel obligated to do things because we think if we don’t, it will mess up the relationship. This happens in families, friendships, and even business relationships. We may participate in the office potluck, or go on an outing somewhere we don’t really want to go because we’re worried about what will happen if we say no. Saying yes sometimes feels like it’s a part of being in a relationship.
We have to remember that people’s relationship with us is not their only relationship. There are other people in their lives who can fill their needs. It’s not all on us. Just because we don’t attend a particular event, there is likely someone else who will. Now, there are some events that are bigger than others, like a wedding or a milestone birthday that you probably want to be present for, but that doesn’t mean you can’t miss anything ever.
I was telling a friend I’ve had since high school that there were about five years where I would accept the title of not being the best friend. I had young children, I was breastfeeding, and I didn’t want to be away from my children. I was deep into mothering. So, when she was having events (she lives out of state), I wasn’t there. At that point in my life, I didn’t feel equipped to do that, but now I do.
There may be seasons where we don’t have the capacity to go to all the things or even some of the things. We may be in a season where we need to dish out a lot of nos. That is ok, but that also needs to be communicated. We can’t just not show up. Relationships end not just because we are physically absent, but because we are entirely absent.
When you don’t have the capacity to show up for an event, you can still connect with folks. Ask yourself:
How did you communicate your inability to be there?
How are you still being there, when you can’t be there?
How are you following up?
How are you showing interest in this event that was important to them?
How did you repair the disruption? Did you offer an alternative to their ask?
When we are on the receiving end of those nos, we have to give people grace to be in their lives and honor the spaces they’re in. When we decline an invite we need to communicate with people and give them the opportunity to understand.
Journal Prompt
How do you politely turn down invitations?
How do you react when someone declines an invitation from you?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
The Case for Chilling, by Maggie Lange, in The New York Times.
5 Simple Ways to Minimize Stress on the Life Kit podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.
Living Single. “In a 90s kind of world, I’m glad I got my girls…” I’m really enjoying rewatching this show. Watch along with me on Max.
Curb Your Enthusiasm’s last season. I’m excited for the new season and sad that one of my favorite shows is coming to an end. Watch it on Max.
If I really don’t want to be somewhere I simply say I won’t be attending, no excuse is necessary. The situation that gave me the biggest pause was when my mother passed last year. I made the decision to bury her close to me and drive out to California at a later date for her celebration of life.
As the date got closer, I realized I just didn’t want to do that and said I would not be coming.
The world did not end and I am still on good terms with my brothers. No regrets.
As a former codependent who writes about boundaries, I relate to the difficulty of disappointing others. Codependence is people-pleasing on steroids and we put their needs first (usually to the detriment of our own.) We've been taught to be 'good' and this means saying yes when saying no is appropriate for personal reasons. To people like us it feels selfish to do otherwise.
I agree with Michelle that it's important to respond with gratitude for being included and then following up afterwards with a phone call, email, or note