This Nugget helped me tremendously with bringing up a topic to my partner. Beforehand I had a whole list that sounded like an ultimatum 🤔😂😂. This approach takes responsibility and accountability while expressing my needs and expectations that it's a shared relationship not one sided. I am grateful I stopped and read the newsletter today.
I can totally relate to the example of taking on the responsibility of always calling then having parents not call, because they aren't used to it, and then not talking as often as a result. I think when I actually verbalized that this bothered me is when I was met with true effort. I recall telling my mom it really stressed me out to have to be the one to remember to call every week. At first I was met with resistance and she said she didn't know when a good time to call was (transatlantic 9hr difference) I told her I didn't know either, but Sunday's was our day, and if I called and she was busy she would send me a message that said I'll call you back, and I told her I could do the same and that this should not be an issue. I then went on to suggest we could switch off weekly. In the beginning I was hurt because it took some time for her to remember to do this, and through my head ran all the possibilities as to why she didn't call, all centered around me and thinking she didn't care enough, she didn't respect me enough to follow through etc etc. but as tough as it was I waited after those Sundays and on Monday's I was met with a morning message apologizing for having forgotten and then providing an alternative date/time for a chat that week. I share all of this because I think for those of us who are learning to do this, sometimes it feels like if we just set that boundary and say "hey lets share the responsibility" we think it will happen instantly, and if it doesn't we make it personal (at least that's what I'm learning not to do.) And the reality is that sharing these feelings is a starting point, and in the process their will be mistakes. As Nedra says in this weeks Nugget we tend to focus on others wrongdoings. If we can learn to release that, or at the very least hold it until we see what happens next, I think we can be truly surprised by those who choose us as well, and if rejection comes of it, then it just wasn't meant to be.
This helped me to think about future relationships and maintain current connections in my life. I have often taken the, "not making the first move" when it has come to friends and romantic connections but I see that is not a healthy way to create connection even when I fear rejection in either connection. I have tried to keep the communication to open to facilitate a healthy way to talk about any and all problems, if the conversation is reciprocated and I have that safe space
Great recognition of a common approach for many of us that isn't always the best approach. Not want to make the first move not only keeps us guarded but it can stop us from having the types of meaningful relationships that we actually desire.
This is an interesting thought, thank you for the journal prompt and the video with Alex Elle. I partially listened to her podcast with Glennon Doyle yesterday.
After 24 years of married to same man, I got tired of putting my first foot forward and not being met half-way for a full do-si-do. I’m dancing to my own drum now. My counselor said something against ‘starting over’ at “my age” of 70. I’m a vibrant 70.
Did she mean a woman at 70 can’t find happiness with another at “that age”? At this point in my life, relationships with another is overrated. I’m just going to choose to be in the relationship I was meant to be in--the one with myself. If my husband or anyone else for that matter, chooses to “paddle their canoe” alongside mine, so be it. Otherwise, I’ll continue downstream on my own.
This is so helpful. I’ve always tried as much to not let peoples actions determine mine and almost everytime I’ve almost not texted a friend because they don’t text, more than half the time they’re super receptive and happy to hear from me and I immediately forget that I’m the one reaching out. Thank you for this.
Love this! But also i have voiced my feelings with my parents regarding it being a one sided relationship when it comes to me always making that phone call or text. It’s exhausting and nothings changed. I’m kind of over it. Haven’t talked to them in months now.
This helped me so much with how I feel about a lot of my relationships with family, friends and my partner. Thank you so much for always dealing with topics in such a straightforward and yet very kind way.
You are welcome! Relationships can be hard enough without us getting in the way to sabotage them. If we truly desire them then our actions should be a reflection of that.
This Nugget helped me tremendously with bringing up a topic to my partner. Beforehand I had a whole list that sounded like an ultimatum 🤔😂😂. This approach takes responsibility and accountability while expressing my needs and expectations that it's a shared relationship not one sided. I am grateful I stopped and read the newsletter today.
I had to chuckle when I read this entry. A tit-for-tat dynamic is not healthy. Thank you for this entry.
Absolutely not!
I can totally relate to the example of taking on the responsibility of always calling then having parents not call, because they aren't used to it, and then not talking as often as a result. I think when I actually verbalized that this bothered me is when I was met with true effort. I recall telling my mom it really stressed me out to have to be the one to remember to call every week. At first I was met with resistance and she said she didn't know when a good time to call was (transatlantic 9hr difference) I told her I didn't know either, but Sunday's was our day, and if I called and she was busy she would send me a message that said I'll call you back, and I told her I could do the same and that this should not be an issue. I then went on to suggest we could switch off weekly. In the beginning I was hurt because it took some time for her to remember to do this, and through my head ran all the possibilities as to why she didn't call, all centered around me and thinking she didn't care enough, she didn't respect me enough to follow through etc etc. but as tough as it was I waited after those Sundays and on Monday's I was met with a morning message apologizing for having forgotten and then providing an alternative date/time for a chat that week. I share all of this because I think for those of us who are learning to do this, sometimes it feels like if we just set that boundary and say "hey lets share the responsibility" we think it will happen instantly, and if it doesn't we make it personal (at least that's what I'm learning not to do.) And the reality is that sharing these feelings is a starting point, and in the process their will be mistakes. As Nedra says in this weeks Nugget we tend to focus on others wrongdoings. If we can learn to release that, or at the very least hold it until we see what happens next, I think we can be truly surprised by those who choose us as well, and if rejection comes of it, then it just wasn't meant to be.
Great example! Very well said!
This helped me to think about future relationships and maintain current connections in my life. I have often taken the, "not making the first move" when it has come to friends and romantic connections but I see that is not a healthy way to create connection even when I fear rejection in either connection. I have tried to keep the communication to open to facilitate a healthy way to talk about any and all problems, if the conversation is reciprocated and I have that safe space
Great recognition of a common approach for many of us that isn't always the best approach. Not want to make the first move not only keeps us guarded but it can stop us from having the types of meaningful relationships that we actually desire.
This is an interesting thought, thank you for the journal prompt and the video with Alex Elle. I partially listened to her podcast with Glennon Doyle yesterday.
Wow 😩 this so me because I expect people to be kind readers and anticipate what I need/want.
After 24 years of married to same man, I got tired of putting my first foot forward and not being met half-way for a full do-si-do. I’m dancing to my own drum now. My counselor said something against ‘starting over’ at “my age” of 70. I’m a vibrant 70.
Did she mean a woman at 70 can’t find happiness with another at “that age”? At this point in my life, relationships with another is overrated. I’m just going to choose to be in the relationship I was meant to be in--the one with myself. If my husband or anyone else for that matter, chooses to “paddle their canoe” alongside mine, so be it. Otherwise, I’ll continue downstream on my own.
This is so helpful. I’ve always tried as much to not let peoples actions determine mine and almost everytime I’ve almost not texted a friend because they don’t text, more than half the time they’re super receptive and happy to hear from me and I immediately forget that I’m the one reaching out. Thank you for this.
Love this! But also i have voiced my feelings with my parents regarding it being a one sided relationship when it comes to me always making that phone call or text. It’s exhausting and nothings changed. I’m kind of over it. Haven’t talked to them in months now.
Wow😎🤩☝🏾
Thank you so much! This is such a timely post! I needed to her this so much.
This helped me so much with how I feel about a lot of my relationships with family, friends and my partner. Thank you so much for always dealing with topics in such a straightforward and yet very kind way.
You are welcome! Relationships can be hard enough without us getting in the way to sabotage them. If we truly desire them then our actions should be a reflection of that.