Be The Change You Want to See
Creating what you do want instead of what you don’t
Sometimes in relationships we change our behavior to match our perception of the person we are in relationship with. In an adult child-parent relationship, we may decide that we are always the ones calling our parents, and in an effort to get them to call us more, we call them less. Then we find ourselves upset because we’re not talking to our parents as much.
In our partnerships we may say we want to spend more time with our partner, but we want this to happen through our partner’s efforts. We don’t ask ourselves what steps we are taking to spend more time with our partner.
In both of these situations we have shifted our energy in a way that does not support what we actually want for ourselves. We have responded to the situation in a way that altered the dynamic and pushed us further away from what we were hoping for.
In our relationships, we have a tendency to fixate on the behavior of the other person. We don’t even notice how our behavior is counterintuitive to what we’re saying we want. We don’t recognize our own contributions to the situation we find ourselves in.
In order to consciously create the relationship you want with people:
Mind what you can manage
Shift your focus from what the other person is or isn’t doing to what you are able to do.
Notice when your ego is running the show
Your ego will tell you you can’t be the one to make the first move, or show how much you care, but you have to let that go. You do not have to play that game.
Don’t let fear of rejection get in your way
Being rejected is always a possibility, and being rejected is hard. There is no denying that it is uncomfortable, but it’s a huge part of being in a relationship and being human.
If a person isn’t reciprocating after you have done your part or they aren’t receptive to the way you are showing up, that is a different story, but sometimes we’re not even initiating and modeling the kind of behavior we’re looking for. That tit-for-tat engagement causes us to prematurely and unnecessarily end connections that could be healthy for us.
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Journal Prompt
When is the last time you put yourself out there in a relationship? What did you do? How did it feel?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
How to Gain Control of Your Free Time on the TED Youtube Channel.
After a patient died, Lori Gottlieb found unexpected empathy from a stranger, by Laura Kwerel on NPR.
How to Move on From Tiny, Painful Criticisms From Mom, by Alex Elle on Oprah Daily.
This helped me to think about future relationships and maintain current connections in my life. I have often taken the, "not making the first move" when it has come to friends and romantic connections but I see that is not a healthy way to create connection even when I fear rejection in either connection. I have tried to keep the communication to open to facilitate a healthy way to talk about any and all problems, if the conversation is reciprocated and I have that safe space
I can totally relate to the example of taking on the responsibility of always calling then having parents not call, because they aren't used to it, and then not talking as often as a result. I think when I actually verbalized that this bothered me is when I was met with true effort. I recall telling my mom it really stressed me out to have to be the one to remember to call every week. At first I was met with resistance and she said she didn't know when a good time to call was (transatlantic 9hr difference) I told her I didn't know either, but Sunday's was our day, and if I called and she was busy she would send me a message that said I'll call you back, and I told her I could do the same and that this should not be an issue. I then went on to suggest we could switch off weekly. In the beginning I was hurt because it took some time for her to remember to do this, and through my head ran all the possibilities as to why she didn't call, all centered around me and thinking she didn't care enough, she didn't respect me enough to follow through etc etc. but as tough as it was I waited after those Sundays and on Monday's I was met with a morning message apologizing for having forgotten and then providing an alternative date/time for a chat that week. I share all of this because I think for those of us who are learning to do this, sometimes it feels like if we just set that boundary and say "hey lets share the responsibility" we think it will happen instantly, and if it doesn't we make it personal (at least that's what I'm learning not to do.) And the reality is that sharing these feelings is a starting point, and in the process their will be mistakes. As Nedra says in this weeks Nugget we tend to focus on others wrongdoings. If we can learn to release that, or at the very least hold it until we see what happens next, I think we can be truly surprised by those who choose us as well, and if rejection comes of it, then it just wasn't meant to be.