Sometimes in relationships we change our behavior to match our perception of the person we are in relationship with. In an adult child-parent relationship, we may decide that we are always the ones calling our parents, and in an effort to get them to call us more, we call them less. Then we find ourselves upset because we’re not talking to our parents as much.
In our partnerships we may say we want to spend more time with our partner, but we want this to happen through our partner’s efforts. We don’t ask ourselves what steps we are taking to spend more time with our partner.
In both of these situations we have shifted our energy in a way that does not support what we actually want for ourselves. We have responded to the situation in a way that altered the dynamic and pushed us further away from what we were hoping for.
In our relationships, we have a tendency to fixate on the behavior of the other person. We don’t even notice how our behavior is counterintuitive to what we’re saying we want. We don’t recognize our own contributions to the situation we find ourselves in.
In order to consciously create the relationship you want with people:
Mind what you can manage
Shift your focus from what the other person is or isn’t doing to what you are able to do.
Notice when your ego is running the show
Your ego will tell you you can’t be the one to make the first move, or show how much you care, but you have to let that go. You do not have to play that game.
Don’t let fear of rejection get in your way
Being rejected is always a possibility, and being rejected is hard. There is no denying that it is uncomfortable, but it’s a huge part of being in a relationship and being human.
If a person isn’t reciprocating after you have done your part or they aren’t receptive to the way you are showing up, that is a different story, but sometimes we’re not even initiating and modeling the kind of behavior we’re looking for. That tit-for-tat engagement causes us to prematurely and unnecessarily end connections that could be healthy for us.
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Journal Prompt
When is the last time you put yourself out there in a relationship? What did you do? How did it feel?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
How to Gain Control of Your Free Time on the TED Youtube Channel.
After a patient died, Lori Gottlieb found unexpected empathy from a stranger, by Laura Kwerel on NPR.
How to Move on From Tiny, Painful Criticisms From Mom, by Alex Elle on Oprah Daily.
This Nugget helped me tremendously with bringing up a topic to my partner. Beforehand I had a whole list that sounded like an ultimatum 🤔😂😂. This approach takes responsibility and accountability while expressing my needs and expectations that it's a shared relationship not one sided. I am grateful I stopped and read the newsletter today.
I had to chuckle when I read this entry. A tit-for-tat dynamic is not healthy. Thank you for this entry.