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Chloe's avatar

This helped me to think about future relationships and maintain current connections in my life. I have often taken the, "not making the first move" when it has come to friends and romantic connections but I see that is not a healthy way to create connection even when I fear rejection in either connection. I have tried to keep the communication to open to facilitate a healthy way to talk about any and all problems, if the conversation is reciprocated and I have that safe space

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SamAC's avatar

I can totally relate to the example of taking on the responsibility of always calling then having parents not call, because they aren't used to it, and then not talking as often as a result. I think when I actually verbalized that this bothered me is when I was met with true effort. I recall telling my mom it really stressed me out to have to be the one to remember to call every week. At first I was met with resistance and she said she didn't know when a good time to call was (transatlantic 9hr difference) I told her I didn't know either, but Sunday's was our day, and if I called and she was busy she would send me a message that said I'll call you back, and I told her I could do the same and that this should not be an issue. I then went on to suggest we could switch off weekly. In the beginning I was hurt because it took some time for her to remember to do this, and through my head ran all the possibilities as to why she didn't call, all centered around me and thinking she didn't care enough, she didn't respect me enough to follow through etc etc. but as tough as it was I waited after those Sundays and on Monday's I was met with a morning message apologizing for having forgotten and then providing an alternative date/time for a chat that week. I share all of this because I think for those of us who are learning to do this, sometimes it feels like if we just set that boundary and say "hey lets share the responsibility" we think it will happen instantly, and if it doesn't we make it personal (at least that's what I'm learning not to do.) And the reality is that sharing these feelings is a starting point, and in the process their will be mistakes. As Nedra says in this weeks Nugget we tend to focus on others wrongdoings. If we can learn to release that, or at the very least hold it until we see what happens next, I think we can be truly surprised by those who choose us as well, and if rejection comes of it, then it just wasn't meant to be.

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