Your Journey Is Your Own
Recognizing that everyone’s path to healing looks different
Common has a song called “The Questions,” on his album Like Water for Chocolate, and it addresses the lack of nuance we allow people to have. When people are intellectual we think that means they can’t be sexual. When someone is spiritual, that means they can’t love trap music. We create boxes for what we think different things should look like and expect people to live inside of them. This includes what we think healing should look like.
We behave as though being “healed,” or “healing,” has a look. Crystals. Incense. Walking around outside barefoot. But healing is not a brand, or a style, or an aesthetic.
I thought I was healing when I was 17. I was reading all the Iyanla books and doing all these exercises. I was still super messy, but you couldn’t tell me nothing. That’s what healing looked like for me at 17. You can be messy and be healing. You can feel your feelings, and be healing. That might look like:
When you’re angry you notice that you’re angry, and you find another way to deal with it besides cursing people out.
When you’re frustrated you notice that you’re frustrated and then you take some deep breaths instead of kicking and screaming.
When you’re feeling sad, you notice that you’re sad and you allow yourself to be sad instead of trying to pretend that you’re not.
When someone talks about you behind your back, you notice that you feel hurt or betrayed and you also notice that the person talking about you is in pain and they are lashing out.
I think real growth and healing is noticing how we’re feeling and responding differently to those feelings, rather than not having the feelings at all.
Our healing journeys, just like our journeys through life are deeply personal. We are all human and a part of our human experience is allowing our growth or healing to be what it needs to be in that moment. That won’t always look like what somebody else’s healing looks like, or what we see on social media, but it’s not supposed to. Our journeys are our own.
I have a playlist that I listen to before I speak sometimes, and on that playlist is: Kirk Franklin, Meg the Stallion, Beyonce, Marvin Sapp, Mos Def, and I need them all. All those songs give me the same message. EMPOWERMENT. They all make me feel the same thing even though they deliver their message in different ways. When we become too attached to how we think healing looks, sounds, or behaves we are denying the complexity of humanity. Nothing is black and white.
People are allowed to have their own journeys and their journeys don’t have to look like ours. You can think something you read is the best book in the world and everyone should read it, but I guarantee you there are a lot of amazing human beings in this world, who have never and won’t ever read that book. You can think a particular podcast, or person or practice is life-changing, and it just won’t have the same effect on others.
The way that you got the message was the way you were meant to receive it and that is unique to you. Your healing won’t always look like mine.
Journal Prompt
What have been the most powerful vessels of knowledge and understanding for you? What books, podcasts, people, or habits have moved you?
How do you sit in your discomfort while watching people navigate their journey in a way that is different from how you navigate yours?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks. You can find the book on Amazon and Bookshop.
Olive, Again, by Elizabeth Strout. You can find the book on Amazon and Bookshop.
The Hidden Link Between Workaholism and Mental Health, by Arthur C. Brooks in The Atlantic.
The Lifelong Power of Close Relationships, by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz in The Wall Street Journal.
Shrinking. This is a new show about a therapist who lost his wife and how his grief affects how he functions as a therapist. You can watch it on AppleTV.
The Walking Dead. I rededicated my life to this show and watched the last two seasons in two weeks. I just had to know what was happening with Rick and Michonne and Carol and Darryl. You can watch it on AMC or Netflix.
Brian McKnight’s first album. I listen to it at least once a week. You can find it on Apple Music, Spotify or wherever you stream music.
"I think real growth and healing is noticing how we’re feeling and responding differently to those feelings, rather than not having the feelings at all."
This is so refreshing! I recently had someone end a friendship with me for this very thing! My healing didn't look like hers. While she indulged in toxic positivity, I unapologetically allow myself to acknowledge AND feel my frustrations, anger, sadness, etc. She said it was too much for her and that I should be more positive (not that I wasn't by any means)..just not positive enough for her I guess. My healing journey is my own and is unique to me. I give myself permission to be it without pressure of what other people's journeys look like.