The Cure for Loneliness

Developing intimacy in all our relationships

I'm finally back from my summer break. It was a great time spent relaxing, gardening, traveling, and catching up with family and friends. But one of my proudest moments was making pickles with cucumbers from my garden. It was a great feeling to see my hard work pay off.

while away...Montego Bay, Jamaica

When we hear the word “intimacy,” what typically comes to mind is sex, but when you think of an intimate concert or an intimate gathering, intimacy in these contexts  means close, small, or a 1:1 experience. In our relationships we assume the presence of intimacy for a variety of reasons. We may assume intimacy because of our titles, the history or length of the relationship, or based on what or how we feel we have given of ourselves inside of the relationship, but these things don’t actually guarantee intimacy.

Intimacy is something we don’t really talk about. We don’t often say (outside of maybe our romantic relationships), “I want to have an intimate relationship with you.” More often than not, intimacy grows and develops organically through mutual:

• Authenticity 

• Vulnerability 

• Connection

• Understanding

• Respect

• Desire to be in the relationship

Loneliness is becoming more and more prevalent in our society, and I believe a huge part of that is a lack of intimacy. I was listening to a podcast, and this man who was in his 80s was talking about having a group of male friends for over 30 years, but still feeling like he didn’t really know any of them. 

We can speak to someone every, single day and not have an intimate relationship with them, because there is no depth, and there’s no intention behind our interactions. We can have relationships where we have consistent contact, but no intimacy. We can have relationships where we share, and yet we know nothing about the other person. 

I wonder how many of us have intimate relationships with our:

• Family members

• Friends

• Co-workers

• Neighbors

• Community members

  

  while away…practicing floral arranging

How often do we have real conversations about how we’re feeling, what’s going on in our lives, what we’re processing, or working through? If we want to have more connected relationships, those relationships can’t exist on the surface of our lives, and we can’t just wait for the other person to share. We must also create an environment where they feel comfortable sharing. 

Nurturing intimacy inside of our relationships looks like:

• Asking questions

• Listening

• Really caring about what the other person is saying

• Following up

• Taking an interest and being invested in who they are as a person

• Noticing when we are constantly leading or dominating the conversation

  

  while away…noticing the butterflies in my garden

We need emotional contact with people. When infants come into this world, the first thing doctors want you to do is put that baby on your body. Studies have shown that they need that closeness. It is necessary for their development. Emotional intimacy is skin to skin contact for adults. We need it too. 

Journal Prompt

How do you nurture intimacy in your relationships?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• How to Make, and Keep, Friends in Adulthood, by Catherine Pearson in The New York Times.  

• Behind the Mask of Black Panther with Ruth E. Carter on the Baby, This is Keke Palmer podcast. 

• Hola Papi: ‘Two Years Later, I’m Not Over My Friend Breakup,’ by J.P. Brammer on The Cut. 

• How to Guard Against Relationship Autopilot, by Louisa Kamps on Oprah Daily. 

• Janelle Monáe’s The Age of Pleasure album. You can listen to it on Apple Music, Spotify, or wherever you stream music.