You Can Disagree, Respectfully
Allowing space for other people’s preferences
I was watching an episode of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. It’s hosted by Jerry Seinfield and he was talking to Larry David, one of my favorite comedians. I found out during the show that Larry David is a “master dieter,” meaning he’s intentional about what he puts in his body. Jerry quizzed him about how he’s able to maintain his standard and when he practices more flexibility.
Later while he was having coffee with Jerry, Jerry kept insisting that Larry try the pancakes, and so Larry did, but he didn’t find them as amazing as Jerry did. When that happened, Larry didn’t exclaim that the pancakes were nasty or disgusting. He was very respectful in the way that he reaffirmed his lifestyle choices. (By the way, I love a HOT stack of pancakes.)
Sometimes when we disagree with people we have a tendency to speak as though we are the sole authority on whatever the topic may be. We make statements that project the sentiment that:
Our way of existence is the only way to exist.
Our way of doing things is the only way to do them.
Our view of the world is the right view of the world.
In reality, what we are presenting is just our preference. When we disagree with someone, what we’re really saying is “That doesn’t work for me,” and that is to be expected because everyone is not going to share our preferences.
As we’re communicating, we need to make sure we are using the words “I” and “my,” as in “I prefer…” or “My preference is…” When we do this we avoid using global, absolute language when talking about a TV show, an outfit choice, or even something like whether to smoke or not. Whether we agree with it or not, smoking is legal. While it may not be our preference to smoke, it may be someone else’s.
When we are aggressive in the way that we disagree it may be because:
We’re deeply attached to what we believe.
We feel threatened by the fact that someone doesn’t agree with us. We think the fact that they don’t agree with us means that they are judging us.
We think we’re being helpful.
We think we need people to think like us to be in community with us.
There is a fine line between providing suggestions or being a resource and insisting that someone adopt our way of thinking. The teaching that we’re trying to do is often not required and certainly isn’t always requested.
Our truths aren’t universal, and we don’t need to be disrespectful in the way we express them.
Journal Prompt
What is something you and someone you care about disagree on? How do you express your disagreement?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
The Moment I Knew My Marriage Was Over, by Elise Pettus, on Oprah Daily.
The New Phone Call Etiquette: Text First and Never Leave a Voicemail, by Heather Kelly in The Washington Post.
Stop Firing Your Friends, by Olga Khazan in The Atlantic.
Wilderness. You can watch this show on Prime Video.
My one caveat to this would be if someone’s “preferences” or “opinions” are rooted in, or result in, someone else’s oppression.. in that case, for me, respect has already been lost. If someone’s “preference” denies my or someone else’s existence/identity, it’s not a disagreement, it’s a denial of humanity.
People will use the “it’s just my opinion” argument to cover up some very bigoted, discriminatory, hateful, and dangerous rhetoric.
Very timely post! It's undoubtedly the time of year to strive to maintain decorum, as not everyone will enjoy your Christmas tree, turkey, or any of the other numerous seasonal grievances that arise. I love when you say: "Our truths aren’t universal, and we don’t need to be disrespectful in the way we express them". We should each state OUR own preferences and refrain from pressuring others to share them, there would be less hurt feelings all round:).