You Can Be Direct Without Being Mean

Learning the difference between being assertive and being aggressive

I was recording a podcast episode with Dr. Joy and she was taking questions about navigating uncomfortable family situations and dynamics over the holidays. As I was listening I noticed some of the folks were using really demeaning language as they expressed their issues with family members. It made me reflect on how important it is that we recognize that we can be direct about our needs and boundaries without being mean. 

Last week, I appeared on Today with Hoda and Jenna to discuss Boundaries over the holiday season.

It can be challenging for people to discern between aggressiveness and assertiveness.  There are so many ways that we can take simply stating a boundary in a clear and kind manner to being mean and harsh. There are also times when people are being assertive and it is misconstrued as aggression. If we tell someone no and that wasn’t what they wanted to hear, we can be accused of being aggressive, but that’s really a mischaracterization. 

To determine when you are being aggressive versus just being direct, consider the following:

Tone

What language are you using to convey your message? Are you saying things that are degrading or belittling?

Behavior 

What message is your body language sending?

Volume

Are you yelling or raising your voice?

Profanity

Are you cursing at the person you’re speaking to?

Intentions

Are you trying to intimidate the person you are speaking to? Are you deliberately violating a boundary they’ve set? What is your desired outcome?

How we communicate matters. It’s not just about what we say. There is so much nuance even in what we don’t say. When we are going to someone’s house for the holidays and we don’t care for their food, we can simply tell them, “I’m going to bring my own food.” We don’t have to say, “I’m bringing my own food because yours is nasty.” Letting someone know we’re bringing our own food isn’t aggressive, but telling them their food is nasty, is. 

We can be direct and also kind. Assertive communication is:

• Respectful

• Calm

• Reasonable

• Concise

We will all be aggressive at some point in our lives. We’re human. It’s bound to happen. The goal is to notice when we’re being aggressive, correct ourselves, and apologize for our behavior. 

Journal Prompt

• How do you express your needs and boundaries with the people in your life? Are you direct? Have you been aggressive?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Calm Christmas and a Happy new Year, by Beth Kempton. This is a soothing read for this season. You can find this book on Amazon and Bookshop. 

• Getting to Center: Pathways to Finding Yourself Within the Great Unknown, by Marlee Grace. You can find this book on Amazon and Bookshop. 

• Now, What Was I Looking For? Why your short term memory falters and how to make it better, by Caroline Hopkins in The New York Times. 

• Your Friends Don’t All Have to Be the Same Age, by Annie Midori Atherton in The Atlantic. 

• The Calm Christmas Podcast with Beth Kempton. You can definitely listen to this podcast without reading the book, but if you like this show, you’ll love the book. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.