Good point. So many times when we know we are doing the right thing we feel guilty but we shouldn't let that stop us from doing what we need to do. Love Young Sheldon!!
This is so timely for me. I am no contact with a sibling for years now and yesterday I received a text forwarded from her regarding a birthday invitation from a distant relative. I was bought up to be the bigger person, to forgive and forget, that "it's family". I, like you, thought it was some sort of "divine intervention" and initially wanted to reach out. But I sat for a bit and remembered all the times where her behaviour had upset me or humiliated me or shamed me. I then deleted the post. But I did feel guilty. That was my childhood conditioning of not disappointing anybody even if it means abandoning myself in the process.
I also needed this reminder today. I’m leaving a job where I love the people I serve (college students) but the organizational vision, structure, and my colleagues are not what I need. It’s looking like the board is going to make really bad decisions about how to replace me (basically by not hiring someone new at all) and it’s leaving me feeling so many big feelings. But I can’t control their choices, only mine and I know I’m making the right decision for myself and tried to do it in a way that would be healthy for the students.
The section in your Boundaries book about feeling guilty or uncomfortable after making a decision, setting a boundary, etc. has been one of the most impactful truths in my growth journey. I remind myself that feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean I did something wrong. It just means I in unfamiliar - but healthy - territory. So I remind myself to stay the course! Thank you, Nedra.
I can’t say enough about how grateful I am for this timely post. The “guilt reminds us that we care”, statement was what really got to me the most. Thanks, Nedra, for reminding me of how EVERY emotion we experience, serves a purpose….& that it doesn’t always need to have an action to follow it, but can just serve as information. This was gold! 🤩😍🥰😮💨
Thanks also to everyone else who’s shared and have been vulnerable…idk if you all realize how much you all are helping so many people, including myself. May everyone be blessed and continue to shine your light. 💓🙏🏾
Thank you, I needed to hear this. I just made the decision to stay in an Airbnb when I go visit my family. I was feeling good about the decision but then felt extremely guilty when my dad was hurt by the decision. I’m trying to both be loving and reassuring to my dad while also staying the course. It’s been a really important experience.
"This person hadn’t changed. After a two-week honeymoon phase, things returned to how they had been before. It took me years to leave that relationship again". This right here hit the nail on the head, sometimes the memory of them is enough to just say a small prayer and keep it moving. Thank you for this Nedra!!
I really needed this one. I've been in a cycle at jobs where I love the orgs message, I give it my all, I collaborate, support, and help them change when their employees abuse me. But the organization discriminates against me, pawns my ideas off as their own and uses them against me, or retaliated against me for speaking out kindly, openly, and honestly. I'd been hoping practicing conflict resolution and the "restorative justice" the organization's espoused was the right thing. But it wasn't. It left me vulnerable, financially abused, emotionally, physically, psychologically drained and in a series of positions where I was pushed out of work. I refined my boundaries and accepted I needed more tools for how to handle this sort of workplace discrimination by exercising my legal rights. So sometimes it's even navigating that care at work, loving the communities I serve, caring about the coworkers who just don't know what they don't know, but having to accept that I have to choose me first after I've done all I could to work with, educate, call in, call out, and collaborate with folk.
“Difficult decisions often feel bad. We feel guilty, sad, and even angry that we have to make the decision in the first place. I can’t count how many times I’ve stayed in a relationship, only to feel mad at the other person for forcing me to end it. I feel like I’ve tried my best—I’ve given them the tools, set boundaries, and set them up for success. But it still doesn’t work, and that can be frustrating.”
OMG, SO Frustrating! Not to mention heartbreaking.
Just last night I found out my 45 year old “on again, off again” drug addict son was back on again, and I caught him in a big lie—yet again. I found out about it real quick this time around.
My daughter turned me on to your book and I’ve been following your substack posts for about a year now. As a result I have broken off a couple of long time relationships not because of a need to be right, or proven wrong, but to have peace within my soul and my life.
Breaking off this relationship with my son whose toxic 3 year relationship with his current partner will not be easy, but I have to make it doable. I understand why he’s with this woman who is 10 years older than he, and why he continually goes back on drugs. But I’m done abusing myself with the two of them. I’m over 29 years in sobriety, and I know I can only “be the messenger, not the mess.” Sobriety is not for people who want it or need it, it’s for those who will do it!
Thank you for your post today it was just what I needed this morning! 🤗
Thanks for this Nedra...very timely for me. I'm thinking a lot about suffering as intrinsic to the human condition, and write very broadly about this in the majority of my posts on 'Humanitas'. Ultimately (as I'm sure I don't need to tell you...but am anyway!), we have to be responsible for our own wellbeing first or we'll have nothing good to offer others. Sometimes this hurts of course, as in feelings of guilt. Enjoy your Tuesday and may it be kind to you.🙏
"caring isn’t a reason to re-enter a toxic relationship" - SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!! :-)
Good point. So many times when we know we are doing the right thing we feel guilty but we shouldn't let that stop us from doing what we need to do. Love Young Sheldon!!
This is so timely for me. I am no contact with a sibling for years now and yesterday I received a text forwarded from her regarding a birthday invitation from a distant relative. I was bought up to be the bigger person, to forgive and forget, that "it's family". I, like you, thought it was some sort of "divine intervention" and initially wanted to reach out. But I sat for a bit and remembered all the times where her behaviour had upset me or humiliated me or shamed me. I then deleted the post. But I did feel guilty. That was my childhood conditioning of not disappointing anybody even if it means abandoning myself in the process.
I also needed this reminder today. I’m leaving a job where I love the people I serve (college students) but the organizational vision, structure, and my colleagues are not what I need. It’s looking like the board is going to make really bad decisions about how to replace me (basically by not hiring someone new at all) and it’s leaving me feeling so many big feelings. But I can’t control their choices, only mine and I know I’m making the right decision for myself and tried to do it in a way that would be healthy for the students.
The section in your Boundaries book about feeling guilty or uncomfortable after making a decision, setting a boundary, etc. has been one of the most impactful truths in my growth journey. I remind myself that feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean I did something wrong. It just means I in unfamiliar - but healthy - territory. So I remind myself to stay the course! Thank you, Nedra.
I certainly can relate to this. I must re-read that section of the book because I still struggle with this.
I can’t say enough about how grateful I am for this timely post. The “guilt reminds us that we care”, statement was what really got to me the most. Thanks, Nedra, for reminding me of how EVERY emotion we experience, serves a purpose….& that it doesn’t always need to have an action to follow it, but can just serve as information. This was gold! 🤩😍🥰😮💨
Thanks also to everyone else who’s shared and have been vulnerable…idk if you all realize how much you all are helping so many people, including myself. May everyone be blessed and continue to shine your light. 💓🙏🏾
It's such a safe place to share our experiences.
Thank you, I needed to hear this. I just made the decision to stay in an Airbnb when I go visit my family. I was feeling good about the decision but then felt extremely guilty when my dad was hurt by the decision. I’m trying to both be loving and reassuring to my dad while also staying the course. It’s been a really important experience.
"This person hadn’t changed. After a two-week honeymoon phase, things returned to how they had been before. It took me years to leave that relationship again". This right here hit the nail on the head, sometimes the memory of them is enough to just say a small prayer and keep it moving. Thank you for this Nedra!!
I have experienced this also. It was a family member and the pushback was tremendous.
I really needed this one. I've been in a cycle at jobs where I love the orgs message, I give it my all, I collaborate, support, and help them change when their employees abuse me. But the organization discriminates against me, pawns my ideas off as their own and uses them against me, or retaliated against me for speaking out kindly, openly, and honestly. I'd been hoping practicing conflict resolution and the "restorative justice" the organization's espoused was the right thing. But it wasn't. It left me vulnerable, financially abused, emotionally, physically, psychologically drained and in a series of positions where I was pushed out of work. I refined my boundaries and accepted I needed more tools for how to handle this sort of workplace discrimination by exercising my legal rights. So sometimes it's even navigating that care at work, loving the communities I serve, caring about the coworkers who just don't know what they don't know, but having to accept that I have to choose me first after I've done all I could to work with, educate, call in, call out, and collaborate with folk.
THIS!
“Difficult decisions often feel bad. We feel guilty, sad, and even angry that we have to make the decision in the first place. I can’t count how many times I’ve stayed in a relationship, only to feel mad at the other person for forcing me to end it. I feel like I’ve tried my best—I’ve given them the tools, set boundaries, and set them up for success. But it still doesn’t work, and that can be frustrating.”
OMG, SO Frustrating! Not to mention heartbreaking.
Just last night I found out my 45 year old “on again, off again” drug addict son was back on again, and I caught him in a big lie—yet again. I found out about it real quick this time around.
My daughter turned me on to your book and I’ve been following your substack posts for about a year now. As a result I have broken off a couple of long time relationships not because of a need to be right, or proven wrong, but to have peace within my soul and my life.
Breaking off this relationship with my son whose toxic 3 year relationship with his current partner will not be easy, but I have to make it doable. I understand why he’s with this woman who is 10 years older than he, and why he continually goes back on drugs. But I’m done abusing myself with the two of them. I’m over 29 years in sobriety, and I know I can only “be the messenger, not the mess.” Sobriety is not for people who want it or need it, it’s for those who will do it!
Thank you for your post today it was just what I needed this morning! 🤗
Great message, I will be sharing this with someone I spoke with yesterday about this same issue. Thanks
Giving someone a resource😍
I needed this - thank you, Nedra.
Hi Tai...see my comment to Nedra below, and don't forget to be kind to yourself🙏
Thanks for this Nedra...very timely for me. I'm thinking a lot about suffering as intrinsic to the human condition, and write very broadly about this in the majority of my posts on 'Humanitas'. Ultimately (as I'm sure I don't need to tell you...but am anyway!), we have to be responsible for our own wellbeing first or we'll have nothing good to offer others. Sometimes this hurts of course, as in feelings of guilt. Enjoy your Tuesday and may it be kind to you.🙏
I called the police hotline for safety and my parents are blaming me for sending my dad to hospital
They are probably afraid. You did the right thing ...