When to Keep It to Yourself
Being intentional about what we say to others
When I speak to someone I haven’t talked to in a while, and they feel the need to repeatedly remind me that we haven’t spoken in a while throughout the conversation—as if it’s a problem—it doesn’t make me want to talk to them more often. In fact, the guilt trip they’re laying on me makes me want to talk to them even less.
I remember one time my uncle called and said, “You never answer your phone.” I responded, “I’m on the phone right now!” His complaints about me never picking up actually made me less likely to answer his calls. Sometimes, we don’t realize that our negative comments or observations can push people away.
We need to monitor what we say and recognize that sometimes we unintentionally repel people with our words. Before we speak, we can ask ourselves:
What is my intention?
Why am I saying this?
Will this create a connection with this person?
Is this necessary?
Does sharing this add value?
Is this kind?
When I was on the book tour for Drama Free, a woman came up to me and said, “You know, I like this book, but I liked Set Boundaries, Find Peace better.” That was unnecessary information. It wasn’t helpful to me. I have authors I love, and I have favorites among their books, but I would never meet Malcolm Gladwell and say, “You know, Outliers was way better than The Tipping Point.” That’s not even true—I’m joking—but what would be the point of telling him that?
A friend once told me I should say something to another friend about her style because she didn’t like the way she dressed. I told her I wasn’t going to say anything. I don’t expect people to go shopping with me in mind, and I certainly don’t pick out clothes with them in mind. We all deserve to have our own style. I don’t care what someone wears, as long as they have clothes on!
Sometimes we make these comments because:
We feel superior
We want attention
We’re being mean
It’s important to recognize that while something may be an honest representation of how we feel and even be objectively true, it can still be hurtful and pointless.
Journal Prompt
What is something someone said to you recently that felt unnecessary? What is something you said that, when you look back on it, would have been better left unsaid?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
Learning to Connect With Friends—Without Alcohol, by Lilly Dancyger in The New York Times.
Reasonable Doubt Season 2. You can watch this season and the first one on Hulu.
If you’re looking to try something new or deepen your poetry practice, join Jasmine Mans’ poetry club.
Hi Nedra. Thanks for this reminder. People don’t need to know everything we’re thinking and everything we’re thinking isn’t nice or helpful. As the oldest sibling in my family and oldest grandchild in my mother’s family, I’m finding out how my words and actions impacted my siblings and cousins. That’s been a very humbling experience. No excuses.
Your first example about the guilt trips is one that drives me especially crazy! It was especially bad when I was a shy, introverted teen who preferred to spend time in my room when lots of people were around. But when I came out to be among them, I'd get snarky comments from family members in front of everyone about "look who finally decided to join us" or "look who's finally in the land of the living." It made me want to go hide even more.
Don't punish the behavior you want to see!