When Expectation Becomes Entitlement

Recognizing how our entitlements show up in the world

I accidentally read a comment under a post about my new book Consider This. This person wrote something along the lines of, “I look forward to getting your book, but I was very disappointed that you didn’t say anything about the election.” This wasn’t even true. The day after the election, I shared a post saying, “Today you might need…” and listed things like hugs and rest.

Just because we don’t see someone say something doesn’t mean it wasn’t said. I speak in different places, so it’s possible I didn’t say anything on Instagram, but I might have said something on Threads or in my newsletter. Ultimately, this situation prompted me to examine our expectations of strangers. Are they realistic? There are common courtesies and decencies we can expect as we move through the world, but sometimes our expectations blur into entitlement.

Last week, I had the privilege of assisting White House appointees in navigating change.

My uncle, who still lives in Detroit, is the type of person who walks down the street picking up trash. When people’s garbage bins aren’t pulled up from the curb, he’ll pull them up himself. What he doesn’t like, though, is when people feel entitled to him doing these things and stop doing their part, assuming he’ll handle it for them. It’s a courtesy he offers to perfect strangers; it isn’t something he has to do.

Sometimes, when we experience kindness from strangers, we forget that kindness is not mandatory. Not everyone will be kind, and would we even recognize true kindness without encountering rudeness? We might not appreciate it as much. I remember reading something that asked, “What is the point of death?” and the answer was, “To appreciate life.” Mean people and kind people are both part of the ecosystem of life. No one likes being treated unkindly, but it’s part of the human experience.

You’re not entitled to:

• Immediate connection with Customer Service

• Never sitting in traffic

• Someone pulling your garbage can up from the curb

• People holding the door open for you when they enter a building

• Strangers always greeting you on the street

• Internet content that speaks directly to your needs

These are entitlements. Instead of feeling resentful or offended when someone doesn’t act as we think they should, it’s more helpful to recognize that not everyone does things the same way.

We all have entitlements, so I wonder, Dear Reader, what are yours? I’ll share some of mine:

When I’m hosting an outdoor event, I feel entitled to good weather. If the sun doesn’t shine and it’s cloudy or cold, I feel like someone is conspiring against me—even though it makes no sense.

I feel entitled to hot water. When I go somewhere and turn on the faucet only to find both sides are cold, I become incredibly agitated. I wonder why they even have water at all. I’d rather they put out hand sanitizer than have a sink with no hot water.

I also feel entitled to universally good water quality, so I can enjoy my tea. When I travel and my tea doesn’t taste the same because the city’s water isn’t like mine, I feel frustrated.

Maybe you feel entitled to:

• People starting with, “Good morning,” when they text you at the top of the day

• Friendly neighbors

• A talkative hairstylist or barber

• A water bottle that never breaks

• People sharing more than they’re ready to

We all have our things. What’s helpful, though, is to recognize and check our entitlements. We have to name them when they arise and remind ourselves that just because we have expectations doesn’t mean we’re entitled to them.

Journal Prompt

Create a list of examples of what you feel entitled to. 

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• The Midlife Marriage Tuneup, by Catherine Pearson in The New York Times.

• How to Shake Off a Super Rude Encounter With a Stranger, by Julia Sullivan in SELF. 

• Authenticity Can Protect Mental Health. Here’s How to Be Authentic., by Katherine Kam in The Washington Post

• We Don’t Always Agree podcast, hosted by Ryan Michelle Bathe and Sterling K. Brown. I’m really enjoying this show. You can listen to an episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.