What We Know Now

Showing ourselves grace for past decisions

Sometimes we question why we made a bad decision. However, when we do that we are using what we know now, not what we knew at the time. When we do this we are behaving as though we can somehow go back and change what happened, when we can’t.

There was a movie with Ashton Kutcher that came out in 2004 called The Butterfly Effect. I saw it the year it came out, and what a life lesson. In the movie, Ashton Kutcher’s character keeps trying to go back in time to try to change his present circumstances. Every little thing he did, every change he made, changed everything, and not for the better. No matter how he tried to reconfigure things, he just ruined his life in a different way. By the end of the movie he realized that he wasn’t in control, and really couldn’t change anything.

We tell ourselves, with what I know now, if I could go back, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with that person, or I wouldn’t take that job, but perhaps there was a reason why life played out the way it did. It’s possible that:

• Something worse could have happened.

• We needed this to happen in our lives to learn a particular lesson or get to a particular place on our journey.

• We had no control. Sometimes things just happen.

People will ask me, “What career would you have if you weren’t doing this,” and that’s just not a question I think about. I don’t want to be doing anything other than what I’m doing, but I understand that a lot of us like to map out our lives in ways that could have been better. We imagine what we could have done differently so that maybe we could have avoided some pain or been introduced to something that might have helped us a bit sooner. Those possibilities are endless and ultimately we have to accept that all the thinking and wishing won’t change anything.

Hindsight is a gift, not a shaming tool, but we often use it as the latter. We tell ourselves that if we hadn’t ignored that red flag, or hadn’t listened to this person, or had listened to our gut, we wouldn’t be in the position we’re in. Hindsight is not meant for us to beat ourselves up, it’s meant to offer us lessons. Hindsight provides us with information that we can use in the future, not give ourselves a hard time about the past. We don’t always make the best choices or listen to our instincts. That’s a part of life.

Past mistakes are teaching tools. When I have clients that have gotten out of bad relationships, they’re often scared to date again. They’re worried they’ll end up with someone controlling or someone who tries to make them feel small. The flip side of that, is that they are on the lookout for all those traits. They can now pick those people out from a mile away. They don’t have to never date again because they’re living their lessons. Now, some of us may have to learn our lessons multiple times because we don’t apply them the first (or second, or third) time. In that case, the cycle may repeat itself until we’ve mastered the lesson we were meant to learn.

It was never my plan to not live in Detroit, so when I moved to Charlotte, I was a little sad because I wasn’t going to be around my nieces and cousins and friends. I had clients there and everything, but now I can not imagine not being exactly where I am. Everything lined up for me to be who I am and where I am right now. I can’t say that I would be this person if I stayed in Detroit. So I’ll take it all. If I change that one aspect of my life, everything changes and I don’t want it to.

We can’t go back and redo our lives. We have to make our peace with today.

Journal Prompt

• What is a past experience that you wanted to change that you’ve now made peace with?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Wise Effort, by Dr. Diana Hill. This new book shares what we need to not only manage burnout, but be intentional about where we are putting our energy. You can find it on Amazon and Bookshop.

• My Friend Won’t Leave Her Cheating Partner—but Won’t Stop Complaining, by Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, in SELF.

• When Friendships Fade, by Ankita Guchait MBPsS, in Psychology Today

• How To Fight The Urge To Always Make Everything About Yourself, by Carolina Bologna, in HuffPost.

• The Butterfly Effect. Please go watch this movie! You can watch it on Prime Video or wherever you stream movies.

• Final Destination. This movie is a striking example of what can happen when we try to alter what is meant to be. I recently watched the latest installment and it really highlights the generational impact of attempting to change destiny. The log truck scene from the first Final Destination still scares me. You can watch all the movies on Prime Video, Apple TV+, or wherever you stream movies.