Too Much At Once

Pace yourself if you want lasting change

My acts of discipline started as New Year's resolutions. This is no way an encouragement to live by the code of creating annual resolutions—after all, we're already a few months into the year. However, as a teenager, resolutions were the only path I knew to self-discipline in a way others wouldn't question. I was not yet brave, and I needed people not to ask too many questions. If you said a change was due to a resolution, people understood. 

One year, I gave up candy. I love candy, especially the kind dentists hate most—the stuff that sticks to your teeth: taffy, red vines, mambas…all the chewy and fruity kinds. I gave it up. It was hard. I backslid, but after a few months, it stuck. Another time, I gave up cussing; in the prime of my youth, I tried not to join my peers in using colorful language. I love to cuss. It was hard, and I managed to get through the year. The last thing I recall resolving for a year was red meat. This, by far, was the hardest; it stuck long term and instilled the belief that I can create new habits. I had to cook my own meals with red meat when my mother cooked pork or beef. I constantly reminded people, "Oh, I can't eat that." E

ven though I went back to cussing and eating candy, quitting those things for a short time showed me I could be disciplined. I have choices; I am not powerless.

Small Gestures, Big Impact 

These small gestures create long-lasting mental impact. Knowing that I posses the power to inform my life makes other life choices easier. I know I don't "have to" tolerate mistreatment, but I can "choose to" allow it at times. I know if I want to train to run a marathon, I can. Outside of financial or physical limits, what are some small, powerful practices could we try to shift something in our relationships or daily lives?

My treatment approach with clients is eclectic; I use a little of this or that, depending on what works best for the person in front of me. With that in mind, something about cognitive behavioral therapy, such as noticing how we respond or determining how we want to respond, offers us freedom from feeling bound. Behavioral change needs to be supported by mental shifts.

Microsteps Toward Self-Boundaries 

Self-discipline is a personal boundary. We don't have to do everything at once. Focusing on one thing at a time is best. Get a strong grasp on how one thing feels before moving on to another thing.  In the first few sessions with a client, I am asked, "What can I do today?" In the next session, they ask, "What can I do this time?" My prescription is often, "Continue what you were told the first time." We usually run toward adding on more before mastering one thing. Take your time with yourself. 

Much of what we learn in therapy, via a help book, or from others requires time to be practiced well. Are you overloading yourself with new things to do? Before you buy another self-help book, ask yourself: what have I practiced consistently from the last book? Before asking for more advice about what to do about your boss, ask yourself: have I applied what was mentioned as an option from the last conversation? Get good at one thing and then add on something else. 

Practicing a Slower Approach Might Look Like…

• I am committing to a single practice for a set period of 45 days. For example, during these 45 days, I will call at least one person each day instead of texting, as I want to build deeper connections.

• I will put myself on a consistent schedule and protect that time. For instance, I will activate Do Not Disturb on my phone starting at 7 p.m. on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings. 

• I will start with one new practice before adding more. For example, if I want to be more assertive in my communication with my partner, I will practice speaking up consistently with them. I won't expand this practice to others until I feel comfortable with the initial person.

Hurry Up and Stick Already 

Malcolm Gladwell wrote in Outliers that achieving mastery requires 10,000 hours. Outliers was written in 2008. In later interviews with Malcolm, he mentioned his beliefs are no longer firm on the time needed. Scientists have asserted that habits are solidified in 66 days. Whether we listen to Malcolm or scientists, we must take our time learning and unlearning.

Discipline is not a quick process. 

Self-boundaries are not instant.

Be patient with yourself; it may take a year or longer. You may realize that you want to renegotiate the value of what you set out to do initially. 

Reflection Questions

1. What is something you want to practice consistently? 

2. Have you fallen behind when you added too many practices at once? 

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• I have tons of photos on my phone, and this practice was a helpful way to declutter my pictures. 

• 30 Things You Can Do Without Your iPhone by Mansi Kwatra

• ‘Being Yourself’ Has Become Just Another Performance by Dale Whelehan