Things Can Feel Normal and Still Be Unhealthy

Reducing your tolerance for problematic behavior in yourself and others

Just because something is considered a normal part of human behavior and expression within the culture doesn’t automatically make it healthy. Some might say that in our

culture, it is normal to yell at people, and yet there is a point where yelling becomes abusive. So often we try to put normal and healthy in the same box rather than acknowledging that our behavior is unhealthy. 

I once heard a woman say she didn’t know her mother was an alcoholic until she was an adult. Her mother was an alcoholic her whole life. Because this woman grew up in an environment with parents who got drunk, upset, and ruined family gatherings, she thought it was normal. Yes it was normal inside her dysfunctional family dynamic, but that didn’t make it any less problematic. 

We will say things like “This is just the way that I am,” or even, “This is just the way they are,” as though that excuses any harmful behavior, but “the way that we/they are” may be dysfunctional, mean, untrustworthy, and a whole host of other attributes that others may find intolerable 87% of the time. Just because we’ve fallen into certain patterns, and normalized certain behaviors does not mean they are healthy. 

Normalizing becomes a way for us to deflect from the real issue. Normalizing is minimizing the impact and effect of behaviors and actions because we want to continue to engage in those ways of being. We don’t want to do the work to change. We would prefer to convince everyone (ourselves included) that a behavior is normal, rather than admit it’s not good for us. 

It can be hard to see a situation for what it is, to recognize the duality of wanting to do something we know is not healthy for us. If we notice that we are engaging in problematic behavior, it makes us feel like we have to do something about it, but we may not be ready for that yet. Maybe we can just be in the noticing phase, and that can be enough for a while. 

In order to notice that you have normalized problematic behavior you may have to:

• Step outside of the environment that supports that behavior

• Talk to people that you trust

• Reflect on what you are consuming (reading, watching, and listening to)

• Think deeply about how you want to show up in the world

Take notice of what you are dealing with–  what you are tolerating from yourself and other people. Take notice of what you’re normalizing and decide if you would like a new normal. 

Journal Prompt

What is something you feel is normal that you can also recognize is unhealthy?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• During My Divorce, Close Friends Became a Parachute, by Maggie Smith in The New York Times. 

• Harvard Trained Psychologist: If You Use Any of These 9 Phrases Every Day, ‘You’re More Emotionally Secure Than Most,’ by Dr. Cortney Warren in CNBC Make It. 

• Semi-Retirees Know the Key to Work-Life Balance, by Kate Cray in The Atlantic. 

• Blended Family Dynamics are ‘Why Second Marriages Often Fail,’ Says Therapist – 4 Tips to Build a Successful One, by Aditi Shrikant in CNBC Make It. 

• Jelly Roll: Save Me. You can watch this show on Hulu.