They Hear You, They Just Don’t Care

Recognizing when you need to stop repeating yourself

The last significant relationship I ended came to a close when the other person admitted they had heard me express my boundaries but still had no intention of adhering to them. I was shocked because I had assumed their lack of respect stemmed from my failure to clearly communicate my boundaries.

I had tried to express my boundaries in every way I could think of—I acted them out, sang them (LOL), and went to great lengths to make myself understood. I even blamed myself, thinking, “Maybe because I stated the boundary on Tuesday but didn’t restate it on Thursday, they didn’t fully grasp it.” So when they told me they had heard me all along but chose to ignore my boundaries, I was stunned. I had been focusing on a supposed clarity issue, but the real problem was adherence.

From that moment, I realized there are some relationships where people hear us loud and clear, and there is nothing else for us to do. They hear us, but:

• They are not listening.

• They do not care.

• They have no interest in respecting the boundaries we’ve set.

• They have a different agenda.

The beauty of life is that we get to decide what to do with this information. In that particular case, I chose to end the relationship. However, in other relationships, I’ve decided to remain, which requires me to work on accepting that my boundaries might not always be adhered to. For example, as a parent, I feel like I ask my kids to clean their rooms at least five days a week. I’ve accepted that this is something I’ll likely continue to do as long as they live in my home—and I’m okay with that. I’ve come to terms with the fact that some boundaries can be navigated around.

It’s important to identify what is intolerable for us and to be clear with ourselves and others about those limits.

Sometimes, people act as though they don’t understand why a certain boundary exists. No matter how often we explain, they feign confusion every time the boundary is restated. They’ll claim they don’t understand why:

• We won’t let them watch our kids.

• They can’t go to a friend’s house.

• We won’t let them borrow our car.

• They can’t spend the weekend at our place.

If we find ourselves repeating the same thing to the same person or explaining the same boundary to someone who refuses to listen, we have to make a choice. We don’t need to keep repeating ourselves. Instead, we can say, “I’m not talking about this anymore.” For our peace of mind, we must recognize when someone simply isn’t going to listen.

This doesn’t always mean we need to end the relationship or label the person as “bad.” Similarly, it doesn’t make us terrible people when we fail to meet someone else’s expectations. For example, when I tell my kids I’ll take them outside to ride their bikes, I genuinely mean it at the time. But then I’ll look outside, see it’s cold, and decide to suggest a different activity instead. If my kids were to evaluate my track record, they’d realize I’m not consistent when it comes to bike riding. Should they stop asking me? Maybe. I’m not exactly honoring their request. Should they end their relationship with me? Of course not! I do plenty of other great things with them, but when it comes to bike riding, my availability is very weather-dependent.

There’s a time and place for repeating ourselves—and a time and place to stop.

Journal Prompt

What do you need to stop repeating?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• ​​5 Signs You’re Co-Ruminating With Your Partner (And How To Stop), by Nandini Maharaj in HuffPost. 

• ​​Here’s How to Truly Earn Someone’s Forgiveness After You’ve Hurt Them, by Jenna Ryu in SELF. 

• The Penguin. You can watch this show on Max.

• Missing You. You can watch this show on Netflix.