There is No All-In-One Person

Recognizing that everything isn’t for everybody

Sometimes, we get upset with our friends and family when they don’t want to be our all-in-one person. But what is an all-in-one person? It’s someone who shares all our interests, loves everything we love, and wants to do all the things we enjoy. The truth is, finding someone who fits that role is rare—maybe even impossible.

Each of my friends speaks to a different part of who I am. There are certain things—sometimes multiple things—I love to do with each of them. But expecting them all to be involved in every single thing I do, much less enjoy those things, is simply unrealistic.

We may have different friends for:

• Going to the movies

• Talking about books

• Watching sports

• Comparing recipes

• Taking art classes

At my wedding, I had seven bridesmaids, and one of them had never been to a club. We had been friends throughout my clubbing days, but I never invited her because I knew it wasn’t her thing. But as part of her bridesmaid duties, she ended up at a club—and, wouldn’t you know it, she fell asleep right there. One of my other friends commented on it, and I told her to let it go. That just wasn’t her scene. She wasn’t a club person—she was a museum person. If you wanted to spend an afternoon enjoying art, she was the one to call.

As we invite people to do things with us, we need to be mindful of who we’re asking and what we’re asking them to do. Don’t lose friendships because someone doesn't want to go to Pilates with you. That doesn’t make them a bad friend—it just means they’re not your Pilates friend. Don’t be upset if they don’t want to go shopping. They still love you; they’re just not your shopping companion.

This is why it’s important to have multiple relationships. Sometimes, we put too much on our friends—or even our partners—expecting them to do everything with us. But that’s not fair to them.

I once had a tradition with a friend of attending a Kwanzaa celebration every year at the Charles H. Wright Museum in Detroit. Another friend got upset that I never invited her. To be honest, I didn’t think she would enjoy it—but against my better judgment, I invited her anyway. And, my goodness, the complaining that ensued! I should have stuck with my museum friend. Sometimes, people want to come along just because they want to spend time with us, but when that happens, we can offer them another opportunity to connect in a way that suits us both.

We don’t have to invite everyone to everything. We don’t have to share every single interest. Yes, it’s important that our values align, that we share core principles, but we don’t have to participate in all the same activities. We need to allow ourselves—and the people in our lives—the space and freedom to enjoy what we love, without expectation or pressure.

Journal Prompt

How do you make space for the people in your life to have different interests from you?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• If you haven’t listened, check out my check out my series with Ritual about friendship.

• The 6 Issues People-Pleasers Bring Up The Most In Therapy, by Jillian Wilson in HuffPost. 

• Confessions of a Ghost: Ten People Explain Why, Instead of Saying It’s Over, They Decided to Just Disappear, interviews by Stella Tan in The New York Times Magazine. 

• Flexible Thinking Helped Me Develop Self-Compassion—Here's How, by Poppy Jamie in mindbodygreen.