A few months ago, one of my dearest friends claimed she'd never seen me mad. I was at the beginning stages of separating from my husband on the grounds of domestic abuse, and she couldn't understand how I wasn't angry about the suffering he had caused me. Although I could easily remind her that she had seen me mad many times over the years, she insisted that I might not have been pleased, but I definitely wasn't mad. I jokingly brushed off the subject, telling her to drop it before she pissed me off.
After thinking about her argument, I had to admit that she was right. Anger isn't a common emotion for me to show; it never has been. For me to show the wrong emotion at the wrong time, or showing any emotion too strongly, was something I was punished for from the earliest I can remember. Anger was always forbidden.
A little bit of research on the subject suggested that flat affect of emotion is common among victims of childhood trauma. Since I am working on healing my own childhood trauma, I have been (tongue in cheek) "practicing" more colorful displays of emotion, especially when I notice anything similar to anger (when it won't have a negative impact). My boss seems to get a kick out of my little "temper fits," though, and we usually end up laughing about it.
Empathy goes a long way. Today I found myself in a supermarket queue behind someone who had picked out some obscure item without a code. This then meant the assistant had to break off go find a book, look something up etc resulting in a length delay.
I was becoming frustrated but as she showed me her own anxiety (repeated apologies and explanations, tense body language) I suddenly really felt for her and my own annoyance was taken down a peg. I said “it’s all done, ordeal over, hey? You’ve dealt with it, It’s all alright”, smiled at her and she smiled back and we were united in a moment of understanding.
Yes! I often have to remind my clients (and sometimes myself) that it’s not about getting rid of emotion, but containing it in a way where it is able to be felt fully without sweeping you up with it. It can be tricky to get there when we’re used to getting pummeled by the waves of emotion, but so liberating once you do. Glad to hear you’ve found your surf board :)
I too have been told that I have a calming energy. For the most part I always saw that as a good thing, but when a former boss told me that I was unflappable, her tone let me know she didn't like it; she wanted to see me riled up. I think she sees that as passion. And I think others make that erroneous assumption as well. They assume we don't care or that we don't have any problems. That used to bother me but I realized I would rather be calm than not calm. I don't deny how I feel and in the moments I am upset and anxious, I'm eager to find my way back to calm. I actually reflected on what I do to be calm and I wrote about it not too long ago. It's posted on my Substack, Harmonious Balance.
I love all your newsletters, everything you say is so insightful and interesting. But this one REALLY spoke to me, I have so much trouble with emotional regulation.
I've tried to rationalise and say that for how bad my negative emotions are, my positive ones are so good, and I light up a room when I'm happy and buoy other people all the time...
But I think I really need to focus on regulating better this year. I wouldn't have known quite how to go about it without reading this, so thankyou very much.
I find taking breaks, daily laughter, I read books, I have a fitbit that's my breathing accountability partner , I have a safety group that I learned about in therapy to have on my worst days so that consists of 2 people I love and trust to talk to and process feelings until calm, I Exercise, make sure my nutrition is right bc what we eat affects our anxiety and emotions. I have a book called food mood girls guide by Lindsey Smith, and my therapy program called able to goes directly into your nutrition habits and the therapist corrects them before you start talk therapy sessions, I remember to tell service reps that I'm not mad at them I'm mad at the problem and I ask them about their problems and make them laugh which gives me a more uplifting mood, i journal, do my spotify podcast InthekNOwbyBrittany, gifting, dancing ,music, prayer and additional hobbies. If out of state I go get my nails done , a massage or a long shower , walking. I know my limits with personality types so I don't get irked by people who get on my nerves. Like when I have my medical procedures I only deal with ppl who are peaceful that uplift and help me. I don't deal with drama and chaotic folks in those moments. I LIVE on DO NOT DISTURB on my phone. And realign with my values and what makes me ME and fulfilled.
My emotional regulation is almost too good. I think it's hurting me!
I am finishing up a DBT program. It's been helpful. I come from an emotionally dysregulated family, so I've just learned to grit my teeth...which haven't done well with it!
I am trying to learn to express my emotions and needs, and
The calendar is amazing and it reminded me of the self-care u did on Saturday that felt good.
I read your Nedra Nuggets this morning and I feel a new book coming from you “Emotional Regulation”. I could benefit from this. It’s tough to emotionally regulate with relatives that have hurt you.
It's been proving helpful in holding me accountable when I need to move something around. The daily reminders are doing a great job of keeping me focused. Today, I was compelled to ponder, "What does self-care actually mean?" For me, it meant sleeping in because the schools were closed, and there was no need to wake up early.
Lately, I've realized that when I am feeling drained and depleted, I need to rest. I now understand that taking a break or finding something that makes me laugh can help me emotionally regulate. It doesn't have to be complicated or intense. These simple things can be fulfilling and make a big difference.
Wow, this situation reminds me of a time (super recent, lol) when I was feeling really overwhelmed and emotional. After reading this, I can see how it wouldn't be helpful for someone else to match that energy, especially if I wasn't in a good place. It just seems like it would create more problems than it solves.
A few months ago, one of my dearest friends claimed she'd never seen me mad. I was at the beginning stages of separating from my husband on the grounds of domestic abuse, and she couldn't understand how I wasn't angry about the suffering he had caused me. Although I could easily remind her that she had seen me mad many times over the years, she insisted that I might not have been pleased, but I definitely wasn't mad. I jokingly brushed off the subject, telling her to drop it before she pissed me off.
After thinking about her argument, I had to admit that she was right. Anger isn't a common emotion for me to show; it never has been. For me to show the wrong emotion at the wrong time, or showing any emotion too strongly, was something I was punished for from the earliest I can remember. Anger was always forbidden.
A little bit of research on the subject suggested that flat affect of emotion is common among victims of childhood trauma. Since I am working on healing my own childhood trauma, I have been (tongue in cheek) "practicing" more colorful displays of emotion, especially when I notice anything similar to anger (when it won't have a negative impact). My boss seems to get a kick out of my little "temper fits," though, and we usually end up laughing about it.
Empathy goes a long way. Today I found myself in a supermarket queue behind someone who had picked out some obscure item without a code. This then meant the assistant had to break off go find a book, look something up etc resulting in a length delay.
I was becoming frustrated but as she showed me her own anxiety (repeated apologies and explanations, tense body language) I suddenly really felt for her and my own annoyance was taken down a peg. I said “it’s all done, ordeal over, hey? You’ve dealt with it, It’s all alright”, smiled at her and she smiled back and we were united in a moment of understanding.
Thank you for showing the way. A small thing but so much power to help yourself and a fellow human.
Yes! I often have to remind my clients (and sometimes myself) that it’s not about getting rid of emotion, but containing it in a way where it is able to be felt fully without sweeping you up with it. It can be tricky to get there when we’re used to getting pummeled by the waves of emotion, but so liberating once you do. Glad to hear you’ve found your surf board :)
I too have been told that I have a calming energy. For the most part I always saw that as a good thing, but when a former boss told me that I was unflappable, her tone let me know she didn't like it; she wanted to see me riled up. I think she sees that as passion. And I think others make that erroneous assumption as well. They assume we don't care or that we don't have any problems. That used to bother me but I realized I would rather be calm than not calm. I don't deny how I feel and in the moments I am upset and anxious, I'm eager to find my way back to calm. I actually reflected on what I do to be calm and I wrote about it not too long ago. It's posted on my Substack, Harmonious Balance.
I love all your newsletters, everything you say is so insightful and interesting. But this one REALLY spoke to me, I have so much trouble with emotional regulation.
I've tried to rationalise and say that for how bad my negative emotions are, my positive ones are so good, and I light up a room when I'm happy and buoy other people all the time...
But I think I really need to focus on regulating better this year. I wouldn't have known quite how to go about it without reading this, so thankyou very much.
You're welcome! To practice regulation skills, google some free worksheets or grab a workbook on the topic.
I find taking breaks, daily laughter, I read books, I have a fitbit that's my breathing accountability partner , I have a safety group that I learned about in therapy to have on my worst days so that consists of 2 people I love and trust to talk to and process feelings until calm, I Exercise, make sure my nutrition is right bc what we eat affects our anxiety and emotions. I have a book called food mood girls guide by Lindsey Smith, and my therapy program called able to goes directly into your nutrition habits and the therapist corrects them before you start talk therapy sessions, I remember to tell service reps that I'm not mad at them I'm mad at the problem and I ask them about their problems and make them laugh which gives me a more uplifting mood, i journal, do my spotify podcast InthekNOwbyBrittany, gifting, dancing ,music, prayer and additional hobbies. If out of state I go get my nails done , a massage or a long shower , walking. I know my limits with personality types so I don't get irked by people who get on my nerves. Like when I have my medical procedures I only deal with ppl who are peaceful that uplift and help me. I don't deal with drama and chaotic folks in those moments. I LIVE on DO NOT DISTURB on my phone. And realign with my values and what makes me ME and fulfilled.
Well said Thankyou! For the insightful reminder!
My emotional regulation is almost too good. I think it's hurting me!
I am finishing up a DBT program. It's been helpful. I come from an emotionally dysregulated family, so I've just learned to grit my teeth...which haven't done well with it!
I am trying to learn to express my emotions and needs, and
Don't take anything personally
Don't assume
Do my best
Be careful with my words
*I
The calendar is amazing and it reminded me of the self-care u did on Saturday that felt good.
I read your Nedra Nuggets this morning and I feel a new book coming from you “Emotional Regulation”. I could benefit from this. It’s tough to emotionally regulate with relatives that have hurt you.
It's been proving helpful in holding me accountable when I need to move something around. The daily reminders are doing a great job of keeping me focused. Today, I was compelled to ponder, "What does self-care actually mean?" For me, it meant sleeping in because the schools were closed, and there was no need to wake up early.
Lately, I've realized that when I am feeling drained and depleted, I need to rest. I now understand that taking a break or finding something that makes me laugh can help me emotionally regulate. It doesn't have to be complicated or intense. These simple things can be fulfilling and make a big difference.
It can be hard to regulate emotions while watching a genocide take place in real time. I feel devastated all the time.
“Matching people’s energy when they are unregulated just creates chaos.” This just liberated me.
Wow, this situation reminds me of a time (super recent, lol) when I was feeling really overwhelmed and emotional. After reading this, I can see how it wouldn't be helpful for someone else to match that energy, especially if I wasn't in a good place. It just seems like it would create more problems than it solves.
I want the calendar!
I give myself time outs when my toddler frustrates me
Ouu how long
Just a couple of minutes