The Stories We Tell Ourselves

The importance of empowering ourselves with the narratives we create

I have had the privilege of studying people who are in a state of victimhood. I talk about this in my book Drama Free: a Guide to Managing Unhealthy Relationships. I share that, “Victims tend to believe they’re powerless, even in situations where they own absolute power. I once heard someone at forty years old say, “I’m never going to college, because my parents never talked to me about college.” She wasn’t in control of her ability to take charge of her life.

pumpkin patch

When we are in victim mode, we attribute every area of our lives to other people. We have this external locus of control. We tell ourselves that our world is entirely predicted by forces outside of us. This is a recipe for high anxiety, depression, and long-standing mental health issues, because we are not allowing ourselves any autonomy, agency, or power. 

Going back to the example in my book of the woman who said she couldn’t go to college because her parents never talked to her about it –this is a woman who now knows about college. However, that present knowledge is not enough for her to own the reality that no matter what happened in the past, here and now, she could enroll herself in a class. She has completely cut herself off from this possibility because she didn’t learn about it as a teenager. 

Sometimes people gravitate toward victimhood because:

• They don’t want to be responsible for their life. It is easier to say that things are happening to them rather than owning their part in creating the life they’re living 

• They like the attention that comes with pity. 

• Telling a story where they are the victim has become a habit.

I once talked to a person who had chronic employment issues. They would get a job and shortly thereafter get fired, and it was always for the same reason. Their attitude. They would have stand-offs with management, they would be verbally aggressive, but every time they would also have an impeccable story of someone at the job who had done something to provoke them. Now, it’s not impossible that everyone in the world has aligned to keep this person out of a job, but it’s improbable. When we notice a pattern like this, we have to take a step back and examine our part in creating the cycle. 

When we continue to own our victimhood we prevent ourselves from creating the life we actually want and we alienate ourselves from others. The people around us suffer from compassion fatigue and come to think of complaining as part of our personality. 

If we care about our relationships, with ourselves and others, it is important that we pay attention to the stories we are telling. 

Journal Prompt

What story are you telling yourself that needs to change?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Don’t Let Love Take Over Your Life, by Faith Hill, in The Atlantic.

• The Power. My friend recommended this show to me and it is so good. If you like girl-power, woman-empowerment kind of shows, you will love it. You can watch it on Prime Video.

• What If Your Husband Entered the Void, on the This Is Actually Happening podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.