Take Them as They Are
Loving people even when you don’t like everything about them
Relationships that feel really easy can trick us into thinking that all relationships should feel effortless. We can start to feel like we should have a ton of things in common with everyone. We think there should be this natural flow and rhythm, but that's just not always the case.
There are relationships that pull on us in ways that can make us second guess whether we should actually be in them. Some folks may just be really different from us in ways that get on our nerves, or they may behave in ways we don’t understand. Loving people doesn’t mean we are alike in every way, or even in most ways. We have the autonomy to decide what our love looks like.
It is entirely possible to really love a person and not like what they like. Our work is to figure out the places where we can compromise. I remember watching an episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show years ago. Oprah and Gayle went on a road trip, but Oprah did not enjoy it at all. Gayle was there singing at the top of her lungs, as Oprah desperately wished she could just enjoy a quiet drive. Oprah went on that trip with Gayle because they’re best friends and she enjoys some aspects of Gayle’s company—just not the riding-in-the-car part.
Loving someone doesn’t mean liking everything about them either. We have to figure out the parts of the relationship we do like.
We have to ask ourselves:
What do I enjoy doing with this person?
What do I like talking about with this person?
Which activities do I not enjoy doing with this person?
Which topics would I prefer not to talk about with them?
Do I feel like I have to be in a relationship with this person, or do I feel that I’m choosing to be in a relationship with them?
Do I need to love this person from afar?
Sometimes we may feel we can't do or talk about certain things with someone. In these instances, we may need to love them from a distance.
There are ways we can love people while also remaining unattached. We can do this by:
Wishing them well without engaging with them
Saying prayers for them, if you’re a praying person
Meditating on them and sending them positive energy
Speaking positively of them when their name comes up in conversation
Finding ways to support them that don’t involve direct contact, like sending them a DoorDash gift card when they are going through a challenging time
Limiting conversations with them to a time frame that feels comfortable
We don’t always admit this, but often, we just want people to like what we like. We don’t always want to accept those parts of them that are different, but sometimes, that’s what love requires.
Journal Prompt
What is something you find challenging to do or talk about with someone you love?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
Here’s How to Truly Earn Someone’s Forgiveness After You’ve Hurt Them, by Jenna Ryu in SELF.
How to Strengthen Your Happiness Muscle, by Jenny Taitz in The New York Times.
How to Travel With Friends Without Coming Home as Enemies, by Andrea González-Ramírez in The Cut.
A Lot of Nothing still has me processing what I saw. You can watch it on Hulu.
This really hit home for me. I've often struggled with finding the balance between accepting someone for who they are and compromising on things that are important to me. It's a delicate dance, and I'm still learning how to navigate it gracefully. Sometimes, loving someone means loving them from a distance, and that's okay.
I always love your essays - they are so clear and practical and loving. This one was a particularly lovely reminder that loving people is much easier when you focus on what you love and play to those strengths.