All of this. Shame and I feel like old friends and I know shame has walked alongside for as long as I can remember. Even now, there are parts of my life and story I strategically keep to myself because it feels like 'no one will understand' and 'this is mine to carry'. Over the past few years, I found the professional support I needed and set about intentionally to do the work of confronting the stories first and foremost for myself, and secondly to begin the journey of disentangling identity and self-worth from shame. I remember reading about 'shame resilience' in Brene Brown's work and thought - THAT! that is my journey and I am here for the ride. My destiny is more than the shame handed to me.
Yes, I feel this. I'm estranged from my one remaining grandparent and low-contact with one parent. I've also made some unconventional life choices, like choosing to remain child-free. I tend to not talk about any of this stuff unless I'm directly asked because I'm aware other people's reactions can be offended or rude at worst and confused at best.
So good. I am estranged from members of my family of origin. For me it was finding "safe" people to share my story with. Reactions have been varied. I even had an eye roll from an older friend. Some have been understanding and some have been judgmental. My reasons are my reasons and I have come to live with them. The work of Dr Brene Brown has definitely been an eye opener.
Your last few sentences struck home with me today. I highly value vulnerability, and I also respect that everyone draws their own lines around what that means to them and with whom they choose to be vulnerable. What I know is that we can own what we name. We can't change what we don't give voice to in some way--whether on paper or through a song or poem or by painting or dancing or in therapy or to a trusted friend.
Great point to share with my friend. I recently had a difficult conversation with my friend who is struggling to have a romantic relationship because he feels unsafe to trust the woman he's still in love with and recently reconnected with after 10 years no contact and I shared with him proof as to why he can trust her and that what happened 11 years ago is no longer the woman he's still in love with because she's changed despite the fact she still loves him in hopes of marrying him but that his feelings matter but until he's ready to accept those facts of proof given he'll never get what he wants and I shared my experience with him and while it provided comfort and clarity it still showed him where he needs to look at himself internally to figure things out because he's in a lost space right now. Sharing helps carry burdens not loads. But it helps the healing process.
Thank you for confirming that we should set boundaries with behavior from parents. We don’t have to accept what elder family members think we should overlook.
Amen. I'm having a hard time combining my coping strategies that I use in most of life & the ones I use with my mum. I'm worried others are going to think I'm crazy of how I'm choosing to survive & how I'm being there for my mum. It's like walking down a thin tight rope, that is getting thicker as I get better at acceptance & non judgment. I hope i don't loose support & protection from others in my process
I loved your post. As a writer, I have been able to tell my truths through my characters which provided a layer of unburdening. As a teacher, I knew that my students were experiencing some of the issues I had grown up with: alcoholism, domestic violence and divorce. When I was open and honest with them about growing up with a father who was an alcoholic, well, the floodgates opened up as my students unburdened themselves with their own truths. Each time I presented them with text that presented yet another issue, such as incarceration or substance abuse, more students were able to make a connection and tell their truth as well. I have begun to open up more and tell my truths to others who are often surprised that I was carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I am a reader of Phil Stutz who writes that life is inherently characterized by pain, uncertainty, and constant work. Being able to unburden some of that pain by speaking our truths certainly helps. Thanks you for your post.
Hi Dr. Glover-Tawwab, it wasn't until reading this did I realize how much shame I carry. I labeled it guilt, resentment, or lying. My dad has been incarcerated for over twenty years. He was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole. Only my family and a few close friends knew this part of my life. My work colleagues would inquire about family as a normal part of getting to know me, but I would avoid it through distracting them or sometimes out right lying. What I thought was protection might actually be shame. I grew up in a time where I was told "what happens here, stays here". My dad had an addiction that lead him to committing a horrible crime. Yet, I carried the guilt and shame of it partly due to his manipulation (another story) and my on secret life. It's exhausting! Thank you for this article!
I can relate to this. I’m guarded because I have shame around different things and I’m afraid to let people see more of me.
All of this. Shame and I feel like old friends and I know shame has walked alongside for as long as I can remember. Even now, there are parts of my life and story I strategically keep to myself because it feels like 'no one will understand' and 'this is mine to carry'. Over the past few years, I found the professional support I needed and set about intentionally to do the work of confronting the stories first and foremost for myself, and secondly to begin the journey of disentangling identity and self-worth from shame. I remember reading about 'shame resilience' in Brene Brown's work and thought - THAT! that is my journey and I am here for the ride. My destiny is more than the shame handed to me.
Yes, I feel this. I'm estranged from my one remaining grandparent and low-contact with one parent. I've also made some unconventional life choices, like choosing to remain child-free. I tend to not talk about any of this stuff unless I'm directly asked because I'm aware other people's reactions can be offended or rude at worst and confused at best.
Just beautifully written
So good. I am estranged from members of my family of origin. For me it was finding "safe" people to share my story with. Reactions have been varied. I even had an eye roll from an older friend. Some have been understanding and some have been judgmental. My reasons are my reasons and I have come to live with them. The work of Dr Brene Brown has definitely been an eye opener.
Scammer👿
Thank you, Nedra.
Your last few sentences struck home with me today. I highly value vulnerability, and I also respect that everyone draws their own lines around what that means to them and with whom they choose to be vulnerable. What I know is that we can own what we name. We can't change what we don't give voice to in some way--whether on paper or through a song or poem or by painting or dancing or in therapy or to a trusted friend.
Great point to share with my friend. I recently had a difficult conversation with my friend who is struggling to have a romantic relationship because he feels unsafe to trust the woman he's still in love with and recently reconnected with after 10 years no contact and I shared with him proof as to why he can trust her and that what happened 11 years ago is no longer the woman he's still in love with because she's changed despite the fact she still loves him in hopes of marrying him but that his feelings matter but until he's ready to accept those facts of proof given he'll never get what he wants and I shared my experience with him and while it provided comfort and clarity it still showed him where he needs to look at himself internally to figure things out because he's in a lost space right now. Sharing helps carry burdens not loads. But it helps the healing process.
Thank you for confirming that we should set boundaries with behavior from parents. We don’t have to accept what elder family members think we should overlook.
Amen. I'm having a hard time combining my coping strategies that I use in most of life & the ones I use with my mum. I'm worried others are going to think I'm crazy of how I'm choosing to survive & how I'm being there for my mum. It's like walking down a thin tight rope, that is getting thicker as I get better at acceptance & non judgment. I hope i don't loose support & protection from others in my process
I loved your post. As a writer, I have been able to tell my truths through my characters which provided a layer of unburdening. As a teacher, I knew that my students were experiencing some of the issues I had grown up with: alcoholism, domestic violence and divorce. When I was open and honest with them about growing up with a father who was an alcoholic, well, the floodgates opened up as my students unburdened themselves with their own truths. Each time I presented them with text that presented yet another issue, such as incarceration or substance abuse, more students were able to make a connection and tell their truth as well. I have begun to open up more and tell my truths to others who are often surprised that I was carrying a lot of emotional baggage. I am a reader of Phil Stutz who writes that life is inherently characterized by pain, uncertainty, and constant work. Being able to unburden some of that pain by speaking our truths certainly helps. Thanks you for your post.
Hi Dr. Glover-Tawwab, it wasn't until reading this did I realize how much shame I carry. I labeled it guilt, resentment, or lying. My dad has been incarcerated for over twenty years. He was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole. Only my family and a few close friends knew this part of my life. My work colleagues would inquire about family as a normal part of getting to know me, but I would avoid it through distracting them or sometimes out right lying. What I thought was protection might actually be shame. I grew up in a time where I was told "what happens here, stays here". My dad had an addiction that lead him to committing a horrible crime. Yet, I carried the guilt and shame of it partly due to his manipulation (another story) and my on secret life. It's exhausting! Thank you for this article!