Sometimes Less is More

Recognizing when a relationship doesn’t need to end, it just needs to shift

There are times when we are in relationships and we don’t want them to end, but we need something about the dynamic to shift. In these instances we can utilize strategies to salvage the relationship that don't involve leaving. By this point, everyone knows what a fan I am of boundaries, so we can of course, share those. However, if we’ve already set boundaries, and the person still isn’t getting it, we can try to shift the relationship in a way that allows for less. We may want less:

• Conflict

• Gossiping

• Physical interaction

• Time spent

• Energy usage

Wanting less and pulling back from a relationship is not about being mean or spiteful, it’s really about showing up as our best selves. It’s much better to have a workout where you feel good and your body is rested, than one where you didn’t sleep well, your mind’s all over the place, and you can barely lift your arms. Likewise, pulling back from a relationship can allow us to be more fully present when we do show up for that person. Doing less can be loving. 

It is important to know that it is possible to move forward with less while still maintaining a relationship. We can truly love a person and still need to find ways to be in relationship with them, while also preserving ourselves. For starters, we can examine the way we are spending our time inside of that relationship, as well as the amount of time we are spending outside the relationship. 

• Every time this person calls, do we answer the phone, or do we allow a day or two (or three) to pass?

• Are we going to every single event they invite us to, or popping in every once in a while?

Shifting the amount of time we spend with someone can be really helpful, but that may be easier to do inside of some relationships than others. For instance, if we need a shift in our relationship with a spouse, we may not be able to only answer their calls every few days, or scale back on how often we see them, but we can start to center our own activities and interests. We can also tell them that we need to spend some time looking inward, and  we may not be as present. 

Where we are in our lives and on our journeys changes and evolves, and that may mean that some things that once worked for us are, energetically, are no longer a good fit. We may have been in the same place as someone when we met, two months ago, or even last week, but that doesn’t mean that’s where we are now. We may once have had time to talk to someone everyday, or twice a day, but that may not be sustainable forever. Once we decide to make an internal change that requires us to shift how we show up in relationships with other people, and we are open about that with the people around us, it can be problematic to still be surrounded by the spirit of what we once were. 

As we explore ways to shift the way we show up in our relationships, we can ask ourselves:

• Can I shift from talking on the phone to texting?

• Can I shift from going over this person’s house once a week, to not visiting unless there’s an event at their house?

• What would make me feel more comfortable in this relationship?

• What am I doing to facilitate a relationship that I would be more comfortable with?

We have to advocate for the relationships we want. When we don’t change the way we show up inside our relationships, or voice our unease, we send the message that we are fine with the way things are. 

Journal Prompt

What could you use less of?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• You Need To Hear This. You can listen to last week’s episode, Accept an Unknown Ending

• It’s Never Too Late to Travel the World With Your Best Friend, by Jennifer Harlan in The New York Times. 

• What Women Can Learn From Men About ‘Me Time,’ by Rachel Feintzeig in The Wall Street Journal. 

• A Thousand And One. You can watch this movie on Peacock.

• Siblinghood on the Death, Sex & Money podcast with Anna Sale. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.