Relationships Don’t Have to Be All or Nothing

Learning to find a middle ground with the people in your life

My dear mother has a hidden talent for getting along with everyone. I’m serious! I have friends, exes, and various people who have been in my life that she seemed to like, and then I come to find out years later when that relationship is over that she didn’t like them. I am always so shocked. She’s so social and easy to get along with even with people who have wronged her. It is really amazing to see. 

I have not been able to channel that skill in its entirety, but what I am good at is being cordial and kind with people who have not directly offended me, I just don’t happen to like them. Sometimes people find it strange. I’ve had people I’ve fallen out with wonder why I’m still speaking to them when I see them out and about at functions. I don’t want to make it odd if we still have mutual friendships or still share certain spaces. I don’t need us to be besties, but that doesn’t mean I can’t say hi. 

For some of us, once you rub us the wrong way that’s it, and I get that, but there are some experiences where we don’t have a choice, we have to be connected to people. This often happens because they are connected to people who are close to us. They may be our partner’s friend, our in-laws, or the parent of our child’s best friend. Constantly talking about how much you dislike them may alienate you from people you care about, and trying to isolate yourself from those folks may not be feasible.

When we dislike people, it may not be because that person has done anything to harm us. We all dislike people, and that often just stems from the fact that we have preferences. Our preferences are based on our:

• Experiences

• Values

• Beliefs

• Expectations

• Habits

• Likes 

• Dislikes

There doesn’t have to be anything particularly wrong with a person for us to dislike them. We may not want to be friends with someone we have observed being chronically late to meetings. They’re not a bad person because of that, but we may prefer to be in relationships with people who are punctual, and that’s fine. 

We live in an all-or-nothing culture that on the one hand says we should like everybody. We are made to feel bad for not liking people. Then on the other hand, we are made to feel that if we don’t like someone we need to let it be known. We need to shout it from the rooftops and scorch the earth. But in either of those scenarios, we need to ask ourselves:

• What is the benefit of me behaving this way?

• Does this support my peace?

• Does this support my growth?

We can share pleasantries with a person without being their friend. We can have cordial connections even when we’re not interested in anything deeper. 

Journal Prompt

How do you interact with people you don’t like?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Are You Confusing Stress for Anxiety? How to Tell & Why It’s Important, by David H. Rosmarin, Ph.D., on mindbodygreen.

• Reflections on a Porch and a Life, by Elisabeth Egan in The New York Times. 

• The Beanie Bubble. You can watch this show on AppleTV.

• What if You Had to Betray Your Family to Save Them on This is Actually Happening podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.