Parting Ways With Grace
Parting Ways With Grace
Finding the middle ground between ghosting and tellin’ it like it is
Ghosting is when we leave a relationship and the other person has no clue why. We cut off communication. We’re not answering phone calls, text messages, emails, nothing. Tellin’ it like it is, is aggressive. We’ve told the person everything we think they need to know about themselves, and probably told them some stuff they never needed to know. The middle ground between those two is graciously stepping away.
Ending relationships is not easy. Sometimes we overthink what needs to be said. We behave as though we need to provide people with an exit interview. We feel like we either have to say nothing, or tell the person all the reasons why we don’t want to be in a relationship with them, and offer suggestions for how they can improve in the future. I tried that with an ex once. He hung up on me.
When we are parting ways, it is enough to say:
I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.
I think our friendship has transitioned.
I don’t think we’re equally yoked.
The person that I was when we met is not who I am now.
I’m not in a space to be in this relationship right now.
There are so many creative ways we can let someone know that we want the relationship to end without giving them a powerpoint presentation of all the reasons why it’s not working. Furthermore, if we feel like we need to tell them all of that, we need to ask ourselves some questions:
Do I want to tell them all of this for my benefit or for theirs?
Is it helpful to this person to know all of this?
What is the intended outcome of sharing this with them?
When we are on the receiving end of a relationship ending, sometimes we wish we knew why, or what happened. Because we know how it feels, it compels us to want to give people reasons why. However, we have to remember how hard it is to accept the why that is given to us.
If we don’t want to be in a relationship with someone, we don’t have to be. We are not required to offer an explanation, and one may not be welcomed. What we think is valuable information may not be to someone else. We may think what we’re sharing is helpful, but that doesn’t mean it will be received that way.
We can’t control how people feel, or what information they think is important to share. Our work is to end things gracefully and deal with our own grief or relief, or whatever feelings may arise.
Journal Prompts
How do you end relationships?
When someone ends a relationship with you do you want to know why? Why or why not?
A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week
The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, by Deepak Chopra. You can find the book on Amazon and Bookshop.
The It’s Not Just You feature on mental health in America in The New York Times.
The Truth About Parasocial Relationships, by Barry Boyce on Mindful.
I ended a long term relationship. In the beginning i tried letting them know why and what went wrong but even though they wanted to know, they're unable to accept. I ended a friendship, he was constantly asking for reasons ,i gave some and stood on my stance with empathy, but had to block them due to clinginess and exaggeration. Thirdly, i gave two reasons after a date (i knew the person beforehand a bit) though they didn't ask for it , it was important as I felt that they were trying to place me under judgments and i didn't appreciate their ignorant behavior. I couldn't speak or communicate then and there due to anxiety and shutdown but later i had to advocate for myself and teach myself how to speak up for myself (which was my purpose of the date) and not just let it go by not reacting and holding onto it against them. They took it well though. I told what doesn't align with me and led it with respect and thanked them for the past help. Sometimes when the relationship is new, it gives clarity and possibility to change but yes processing our own emotions is the most important thing
I think the nature and extent of the conversation should also depend on how long you’ve been with the individual. I recently got out of a year and a half long relationship with someone. The first half or so of it was a magical, incredible relationship and complete perfection. In the second half, my former partner changed quite a bit. With the benefit of hindsight, I now know that he probably had wanted out for a while, but was simply unable or too afraid to gracefully bring up the subject. Unfortunately it led to a really painful end of the relationship. Because he couldn’t find the right words he ended up choosing to take actions that were so hurtful that they cornered me into a break up. Not only did he seem to feel he was “not required to offer an explanation”, but he took it to the extreme and acted so poorly. I feel that after being together as long as we had been, a much more grounded and mature conversation could have transpired. I really just wish there had been respectful and honest communication, after all we had shared together over almost two years of our lives together.