I could give a course on how to hold space for someone who is grieving, but I'm usually the one doing the listening. Most of the time people just need their grief witnessed. Sounds easy enough, but Western cultures are not particularly comfortable with grief. We want it to go away as soon as possible so rather than listening and witnessing, we talk about ways to "fix" what we see as a problem. If you feel you absolutely must say something, try, "That f'ing sucks. I am so sorry that happened to you."
Your newsletters are so helpful and I look forward to them each week. I facilitate group therapy and often recommend your book on boundaries and your social media pages to my Patients, which I have found both to be very helpful as well. Keep doing what you're doing. It is making such a difference in people's lives, including myself!
As an Autistic + ADHD person (who was silenced most of my life), I'd like to add a layer of nuance:
With a disability that greatly affects communication, the way I relay understanding is by (aim: briefly) sharing similar experiences when (I think it's) appropriate—not to one-up, but to give even a morsel of detail so that my conversation partner knows I truly understand, that I can and do empathize (and sometimes as a glimmer of hope for them, depending on the subject: "I got through, and you're way smarter/stronger than I am! You've got this"-kind of encouragement). But, I did notice one, more walled-off friend, when I focus on pacing myself to offer space for them to share, they shared more.
But... this knowledge partnered with my neurology added to my hyper-vigilance over not cutting people off or "stealing their thunder" via sharing my own experience, even though my intentions with sharing is to show care. I end up spending so much time thinking, "Don't cut them off," "Don't overshare," that I can no longer hear or take in what they're saying.
The more neurodivergent people I speak with, the more I learn that this is common among us. Sharing our experiences is a way for us to connect and show empathy to others. But, there's always someone—or numerous someones—who ruin it for everyone.
Now, I'm self-conscious enough to apologize for interrupting people (more ADHD or Autistic special-interest driven) and/or explain why I shared something. And every conversation partner I've informed has said they appreciate that I try to empathize/sympathize, and they can tell the difference between someone who's essentially trying to one-up them and someone who's trying to provide an extra layer of care.
I understand that this advice isn't necessarily targeting me or people with similar neurologies. But, just as I feel a deep-seated need to empathize through sharing, I also can't help myself when it comes to adding neuro-different nuance, just in case there's someone out there who reads this and has never intended to steal attention, and only shares to feel (and be!) more connected with others, yet walks away feeling shame and guilt for trying their best.
Yeah many times we are sincerely trying to be relatable, but end up making the conversation about us because we took over the conversation. Great tips on how to show relatability without taking over. What's also true is that many times we don't like when others are the center of attention. So we do things to spotlight ourselves even jockeying to have the most painful experience. These conversations are not competitions.
Unfortunately I can’t have a relationship with my sister in law as she hijacks all the conversation and she’s a hypochondriac! She talks a mile a minute and my ears and head hurt after 10 minutes. She is very ADHD, neurotic and all about her. Once I told her I had a backache (I didn’t). She told me her back was hurting also. I then said I had a bad headache because of the weather (I didn’t). She said she has had migraines because of the weather. Her own children complain that she’s a hypochondriac. There are some people that I can’t be around as they affect my mental health. I still care about her and say hi when I see her but I don’t stick around for a long conversation to hear about her woes.
So true. For me, I consciously work at doing more listening with patience and compassion. When in person, a facial gesture can say a lot. I have to be deliberate with expressions of compassion and empathy when speaking with someone in distress. If not in distress, I ask lots of questions and let them answer even when my mind (ego) "thinks" it knows what they are talking about. I had to distance myself from interrupting the others because I "thought" I knew where they were going with the conversation. I work at being an illuminator not a diminisher.
Some folks have no one to talk to other than you. Therefore, their hijacking is symptomatic of loneliness. Knowing this may not make it easier to talk to them, but it certainly helps to have some understanding of the situation.
I have worked as a therapist for nearly 40 years, so listening is something I’ve been in tune with for a long time. I’ve often heard “if you’re talking, you’re not listening” so, even with friends, I try to listen deeply, offer that safe space to unload, then ask what they need from me. If they only need to vent, I validate, a lot. If they want advice, I’ll help explore options. I find I resort to “counselor mode” naturally.
I always ask questions, invite them to call and make time and space in my schedule for them. I'll ask to pray with them and how can I support you what do you need me to listen or give input? I do catch myself hijacking the conversation to share experience on the topic of discussion when others ask. And I catch myself in my tone of voice when I feel frustrated if they're asking my advice then shutting it down mid sentence due to pride. Granted I love people and conversations I think it's gives us power. But I see the challenges and consequences like the article mentioned too. "Be quick to listen and slow to speak"-is what I tell myself there is an art to listen empathetically
I have yet to find someone who does not grandstand when I go to them in distress, except for when I am paying them to listen to me (think therapist). I've start wondering why I am even reaching out for "emotional support" when there is google.com, which has suggestions on how to manage what I am dealing with.
I could give a course on how to hold space for someone who is grieving, but I'm usually the one doing the listening. Most of the time people just need their grief witnessed. Sounds easy enough, but Western cultures are not particularly comfortable with grief. We want it to go away as soon as possible so rather than listening and witnessing, we talk about ways to "fix" what we see as a problem. If you feel you absolutely must say something, try, "That f'ing sucks. I am so sorry that happened to you."
Oie. How exhausting. One-uppers are like energy thieves. Grabbing our experience right from within us.
Your newsletters are so helpful and I look forward to them each week. I facilitate group therapy and often recommend your book on boundaries and your social media pages to my Patients, which I have found both to be very helpful as well. Keep doing what you're doing. It is making such a difference in people's lives, including myself!
We’ve all been the hijacker before but what do we do when we have to interact with a chronic hijacker (my mother…)?
I’ve had to severely restrict a friendship due to this…a mom may be a harder situation. Hope you can find a happy medium or talk with her about it
Nedra, Thank you for sharing thoughts on holding space. I needed that. D
As an Autistic + ADHD person (who was silenced most of my life), I'd like to add a layer of nuance:
With a disability that greatly affects communication, the way I relay understanding is by (aim: briefly) sharing similar experiences when (I think it's) appropriate—not to one-up, but to give even a morsel of detail so that my conversation partner knows I truly understand, that I can and do empathize (and sometimes as a glimmer of hope for them, depending on the subject: "I got through, and you're way smarter/stronger than I am! You've got this"-kind of encouragement). But, I did notice one, more walled-off friend, when I focus on pacing myself to offer space for them to share, they shared more.
But... this knowledge partnered with my neurology added to my hyper-vigilance over not cutting people off or "stealing their thunder" via sharing my own experience, even though my intentions with sharing is to show care. I end up spending so much time thinking, "Don't cut them off," "Don't overshare," that I can no longer hear or take in what they're saying.
The more neurodivergent people I speak with, the more I learn that this is common among us. Sharing our experiences is a way for us to connect and show empathy to others. But, there's always someone—or numerous someones—who ruin it for everyone.
Now, I'm self-conscious enough to apologize for interrupting people (more ADHD or Autistic special-interest driven) and/or explain why I shared something. And every conversation partner I've informed has said they appreciate that I try to empathize/sympathize, and they can tell the difference between someone who's essentially trying to one-up them and someone who's trying to provide an extra layer of care.
I understand that this advice isn't necessarily targeting me or people with similar neurologies. But, just as I feel a deep-seated need to empathize through sharing, I also can't help myself when it comes to adding neuro-different nuance, just in case there's someone out there who reads this and has never intended to steal attention, and only shares to feel (and be!) more connected with others, yet walks away feeling shame and guilt for trying their best.
Yeah many times we are sincerely trying to be relatable, but end up making the conversation about us because we took over the conversation. Great tips on how to show relatability without taking over. What's also true is that many times we don't like when others are the center of attention. So we do things to spotlight ourselves even jockeying to have the most painful experience. These conversations are not competitions.
Unfortunately I can’t have a relationship with my sister in law as she hijacks all the conversation and she’s a hypochondriac! She talks a mile a minute and my ears and head hurt after 10 minutes. She is very ADHD, neurotic and all about her. Once I told her I had a backache (I didn’t). She told me her back was hurting also. I then said I had a bad headache because of the weather (I didn’t). She said she has had migraines because of the weather. Her own children complain that she’s a hypochondriac. There are some people that I can’t be around as they affect my mental health. I still care about her and say hi when I see her but I don’t stick around for a long conversation to hear about her woes.
So true. For me, I consciously work at doing more listening with patience and compassion. When in person, a facial gesture can say a lot. I have to be deliberate with expressions of compassion and empathy when speaking with someone in distress. If not in distress, I ask lots of questions and let them answer even when my mind (ego) "thinks" it knows what they are talking about. I had to distance myself from interrupting the others because I "thought" I knew where they were going with the conversation. I work at being an illuminator not a diminisher.
Some folks have no one to talk to other than you. Therefore, their hijacking is symptomatic of loneliness. Knowing this may not make it easier to talk to them, but it certainly helps to have some understanding of the situation.
Good stuff. Thank you.
I have worked as a therapist for nearly 40 years, so listening is something I’ve been in tune with for a long time. I’ve often heard “if you’re talking, you’re not listening” so, even with friends, I try to listen deeply, offer that safe space to unload, then ask what they need from me. If they only need to vent, I validate, a lot. If they want advice, I’ll help explore options. I find I resort to “counselor mode” naturally.
I always ask questions, invite them to call and make time and space in my schedule for them. I'll ask to pray with them and how can I support you what do you need me to listen or give input? I do catch myself hijacking the conversation to share experience on the topic of discussion when others ask. And I catch myself in my tone of voice when I feel frustrated if they're asking my advice then shutting it down mid sentence due to pride. Granted I love people and conversations I think it's gives us power. But I see the challenges and consequences like the article mentioned too. "Be quick to listen and slow to speak"-is what I tell myself there is an art to listen empathetically
Reminds me of the iconic Kristen Wiig SNL character Penelope who always one ups, dominating the convo. Great piece as always ⚡️
https://youtu.be/W69nqO1X5yU?si=LTL_OaKb5QcAPUGm
I have yet to find someone who does not grandstand when I go to them in distress, except for when I am paying them to listen to me (think therapist). I've start wondering why I am even reaching out for "emotional support" when there is google.com, which has suggestions on how to manage what I am dealing with.