Not The Same

Navigating differences in relationship expectations

I have a friend who tells me I was popular in high school. Mind you, I went to a performing arts school with about 500 people in total. There were 100 students in my graduating class. So, in my mind, everybody was popular. It wasn’t that I was friends with everyone but I would speak to people when I saw them, whether they were older than me or younger than me, it didn’t matter. I like to talk to people. My daughter actually said to me the other day, “You just talk to everyone when we’re outside!” 

two things are true: i’m social and i enjoy alone time

Sometimes me being cordial and kind can give people the impression that I desire something deeper than I actually do. I’m a wonderful listener. I listen for a living, so because of the way I talk to people sometimes, they feel like I want to know more about them when in reality I just want to eat my sandwich. Through these experiences, I have come to realize that it is possible to attract people and not have the capacity to be in relationship with them. I can also now recognize that there have been times when I wanted to have a deeper relationship with a friend or co-worker and they didn’t have the capacity for that with me. 

It can be uncomfortable when our desires for a relationship don’t match up with the other person’s. This doesn’t always require a conversation, but it does require recognition. We have to make peace with the fact that what we desire is only as important as the other person desiring it. We can’t demand that a person call us once a week if they are not interested in communicating with us that often. We have to look at people’s behaviors and their interactions with us and see the information they are offering. 

Is this person not:

• Answering your calls?

• Responding to your text messages?

• Inviting you to social events?

• Confiding in you?

If this is happening, this person is telling us something. They are not making themselves available to us for a reason. Now, there are times when we may be in a close relationship where these things are happening, in which case a conversation is necessary, and then there are other times when people are just not as interested in us as we are in them. 

When we find ourselves misaligned with people we feel we’re close to, there are things it is important that we discuss rather than assume. And when we have these discussions, we have to make room for people not sharing our perspectives. Some of the questions we need to ask are:

• How often do you want to be in contact?

• What is your preferred mode of communication?

• What details about your life do you want to share?

• When do you share details about your lives? What priority do you take with one another?

My kids don’t have their own cell phones, but they have iPads and they can text on them as long as they’re at home. I have one child who, when I’m away, sends me texts asking me how I’m doing and what I’m up to. On the flip side, you will not hear from my other child. She might look at her texts once a month and when she does it’s at the most random times. She’ll be commenting on texts from her grandmother that came in two weeks ago. We have to let people have their own process. Even at her age. I don’t say anything to her when she doesn’t text me. It doesn’t bother me. The level of “I don’t have to communicate if I don’t want to,” that she has is inspirational. 

We have different communication needs and desires that correspond with how engaged we are. See your interactions with people as information. Perhaps the relationship isn’t where you thought it was. Perhaps you need to find people who are more aligned with your desires. 

The 2024 calendar is now available for purchase, and the deck is currently available for pre-order.

Journal Prompt

How do you communicate your expectations in relationships?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• Nothing Is Missing: A Memoir of Living Boldly, by Nicole Walters. You can find this book on Amazon and Bookshop.

• Overtalking May Signal a Mental Health Condition, by Katherine Kam in The Washington Post. 

• The Morning Show. You can watch it on AppleTV.

• Who Makes You Feel Held, on the This Morning Walk podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.