Managing Quarter and Mid-Life Crises

Handling the self-imposed pressure that comes with getting older

As I get older, there is a new level of mental freedom that I feel. With each year that passes, I care less about what other people think about me. I can’t wait til I’m 60 or 70. The level of I don’t care is going to be so high. Last year for my birthday I made the decision to have a very small party with a friend (our birthdays are one day apart). We agreed to each invite a handful of people, because that’s how we wanted to celebrate. There was someone I did not invite and at an earlier age, I might have felt like I had to, but on this birthday I was released from that pressure. 

There are many people who care more, rather than less, as they get older. They experience crises at certain milestones in their lives as they transition from one phase of life to another. I have started to notice people in my practice between the ages of 25 and 30 going through quarter-life crises. 

At the quarter-life point people are asking themselves a lot of questions that center around their achievements as compared to other people their age. They ask themselves:

• Should I be married by now?

• Do I have the job that I want?

• Should I have purchased a house by now?

• Do I have enough friends?

• Am I in the city I want to be living in?

Midlife crises tend to happen when people are in their 40s and 50s. In this window a lot of people are making life changes. People start getting divorced or remarried. They undergo physical enhancement surgeries. They quit their jobs and try different careers. All of these changes circle back to the underlying question, “What will make me happy right now?” They are considering:

• What do I need to stop doing?

• What do I need to do more of?

• How do I want to look?

• How much money should I be making?

• Where should I be in my career?

When we have all of these milestone moments at 25, 30, 40, 60 and so on, they give us pause and prompt us to ask ourselves:

• Am I where I want to be?

• Is this the life I want to live?

• Is this the version of myself that I want to portray to the world?

• Is the way my life is currently set up enough for me?

It makes sense that we would reflect in this way, and it is normal for us to consider these things, but it can be challenging when those questions lead to dissatisfaction. There may be things that we want for ourselves that we are unable to tap into immediately and that can create some sadness and disappointment. We may feel that we are ready for certain things –a new car, a marriage, a promotion– but that may not be our reality just yet. That gap between what we want and what we think we should have can create some anxiety and even depressive episodes. 

When you are navigating your milestones and these feelings arise it is important that you:

1. Acknowledge what you are going through. 

How you are feeling is not about other people. It’s about you. Own your feelings. 

2. Determine if what you want for yourself is realistic. 

There may be things that you want or desire that are beyond your control. Recognize that your actions don’t necessarily guarantee certain outcomes. There are so many factors in life that fall outside of what you can reasonably prepare for. 

3. Try to come up with some answers to the questions you are asking yourself. 

Talk yourself through the process of what has happened in your life and why things have not turned out in the ways you may have hoped. 

4. Be gentle with yourself. 

You can’t judge prior decisions you made with your present awareness. You didn’t know then what you know now. Those decisions may have altered your life’s trajectory, and they may not be decisions you would make now, but recognize that you were making the best decision you could with the knowledge you had then. What’s more, we can’t go back in time. We made the decision we made then, and we have the life that we have now. 

5. Be patient.

Just because you’re not where you want to be right now, doesn’t mean you can’t get there. Stop comparing your journey to other people’s journey, and let your life play out in the way that it is meant to. Give yourself grace. 

We need to figure out what works for us based on who we are and where we are in our lives, not on how old we are and what we think that means we should be doing. 

Journal Prompt

Take some time to reflect on your core values. What principles are most important to you? How aligned are your daily actions with these values?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• The Two Choices That Keep a Midlife Crisis at Bay, by Arthur C. Brooks in The Atlantic.

• The Real Roots of Midlife Crisis, by Jonathan Rauch in The Atlantic.

• 3 Things to Do If You Can’t Stop Thinking About That Thing You Said, in Self Magazine.

• Dear Therapist: I Feel Tremendously Guilty for Not Taking Care of My Aging, Alcoholic Mother, by Lori Gottlieb in The Atlantic. 

• The Quarter Life Crisis on The goop Podcast. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts. 

• What Women Can Learn From Men About ‘Me Time,’ by Rachel Feintzeig in The Wall Street Journal.