Liar, Liar Pants on Fire

Getting to the bottom of why people lie

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I had a situation the other day where someone did something that I asked them not to do. When I called them on it, they said, “You never told me that.” There were three different occasions where I relayed that message to them, and yet, they still insisted they hadn’t been told. They insisted on lying to me. 

I remember a girl in middle school who lied about the clothes she had. You would see someone walking down the hall and she would say, “I have a jacket like that.” When asked where the mystery jacket was, or another item of clothing no one had ever seen her in, she would say, “Oh, it’s over my dad’s house.” 

She lied about her clothes so much it became an inside joke. No one believed her, and I couldn’t understand why she kept making these claims, when she was clearly lying. But now that I think about it, I imagine that lying about having those things may have made her feel better. Having stuff, especially in middle school, can make us feel good about ourselves. 

Some of the other reasons people lie include:

1. We don’t want to get in trouble

2. We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings

3. To embellish or add character to our stories or situations

4. To protect someone

5. The truth seems scary

6. Out of habit

Understanding why people lie can help us to extend grace to those doing the lying, but when we are on the receiving end of a lie, it makes us question ourselves. We begin to go to great lengths to present the truth differently in the hopes that we will be heard, because the person who is lying insists they aren’t hearing us. A cycle is created where reality is distorted. 

It would be such a nice world if people would get into the habit of saying things like:

• I did say that about you and I didn’t want it to get back to you this way.

• I heard you say that, but it was really hard for me to change my behavior.

• I know it didn’t happen the way I’m describing, but the truth of the situation is painful for me. 

If we value our relationships with others, we need to tell the truth, even when it’s hard. It is important that we make an effort to be honest in our relationships because it:

• Builds trust

• Nurtures our relationships

• Demonstrates our level of integrity

• Creates connection through vulnerability 

Lying is something we all do, and lying may be something that is always a part of being human. Our work is to figure out why we lie, understand our relationship with it, and do what we can to become more honest with ourselves and those around us. 

Journal Prompts

What are some of the reasons you lie?

What was the last lie you told? Why did you lie?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• When Everything is Heavy, a Touch of Humor Can Help, by Carolyn Todd in The New York Times.

• Fantasy Football. You can watch the movie on Paramount Plus.

Setting Boundaries with Nedra Glover Tawwab on the iWeigh podcast hosted by Jameela Jamil. You can listen to this episode on Simplecast, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts. 

This year I read a lot of books. These were my favorites: 

The Giving Tree a children’s book with a wonderful message about not giving too much away 

The Housemaid riveting thriller 

Fair Play 

Undisputed Truth 

Black and Blue warning, the story is about domestic violence 

The Way of Integrity 

Whatever You Think, Think The Opposite 

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

Smart Brevity