Letting Go is Hard to Do

Knowing when it’s time to pivot

I have gone out to a restaurant, received a bad meal, and eaten so much of the food on my plate that it would look ridiculous to send it back at that point. After that first bite I knew it wasn’t for me, but instead of asking what else they had on the menu, I just kept eating it. Sometimes we feel like because we ordered it, we should tolerate it. It might have too much cheese or be overcooked, but we’ll keep it, when really we should send it back as soon as we realize it’s not for us. This is true for a lot of things in life. 

Quote by Laurie Anderson taken during my visit to Hirshhorn Museum in Washington D.C.

When it comes to making decisions we love to tell one another to “sit with it,” but sometimes you don’t have to. Stand up. When something is not a life-altering decision, like a challenging moment in a marriage, or whether or not to move to a new city, we don’t have to sit with it. We can pivot the moment we realize it’s not for us. 

I have found that people will stick with decisions because they:

• Have told other people about it

• Have committed to it in their head, even if it doesn’t feel quite right in their heart

• Have some idea about what the outcome will be like and they can’t let it go

• Think it’s too late to back out

• Think if they doing something long enough they’ll eventually like it

• Feel like changing their mind means wasting the time they have invested

Many of us have been raised to believe that once we commit to something we have to stay committed to it, like sports and activities. We tell children, once you start this dance class, you have to stick to it for the next nine months. That’s a long commitment. If the child realizes in month one that the dance class is not for them, hanging in there another eight months is a lot. Parents think they’re teaching commitment, but sometimes what they’re really teaching is how to tolerate something you don’t like, and that lesson gets carried into adulthood. 

I talked about Green Eggs and Ham in Set Boundaries, Find Peace, because when I was reading that book as an adult, I was so floored by the message. When I got to the end of the story I just felt like, this can not be real. 50 pages of this man saying he will not eat the green eggs and ham, he does not like it, only for him to be worn down into trying it, and then he likes it. I didn’t like the message at all. It teaches us to just commit. It teaches us that if we just keep doing the thing, maybe we’ll eventually like it. It also teaches us that it’s ok for someone to not respect us saying no. I would have loved to get to the end of the book and he still didn’t like green eggs and ham. 

Now, all of that being said, everything is not a calling to give up. Sometimes we have to wade through some discomfort to grow. Sometimes discomfort is necessary. But, there is a difference between something that is uncomfortable and something that isn’t good for you. One way to discern this is to ask yourself, “What are the consequences of me releasing this commitment?” and “What are the benefits of me holding on to this commitment?” 

We lose a lot of time in life staying committed to things that are not working. It’s ok if something isn’t for you. It’s ok to pivot. 

Journal Prompt

What is something you need to let go of?

A Few Things That Caught My Attention This Week

• I always appreciate it when people I admire recommend my books. Take a look at this article!

• Leaving Mr. Mom Behind, by Kelly Marie Coyne in The New York Times.

• Your Life is Better Than You Think, by Tali Sharot and Cass R. Sunstein in Time.

• How to Apologize Like You Mean It, by Jancee Dunn in The New York Times. 

• Mr. & Mrs.Smith. You can watch this show on Prime Video.

• One Thing We Need for Making Tough Decisions on The Next Right Thing podcast with Emily P. Freeman. You can listen to this episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you stream podcasts.